Skins 2x3

Sid

& Mark, Sid’s Dad: It’s one of those things, shit happens.
    Sid: Is that the best you’ve got, Dad?
    Mark: You always get my best, son.

& Sid: I know who she is. She stalked Maxxie, she got our drama teacher wrongly fired for sexual abuse and she tried to poison Michelle.
    Anwar: She’s sorry. Boy, she’s sorry. Thing is, Sid, sex hasn’t been invented yet round at my place. Tricky with 2,000 years of religious tradition.

& Anwar: So me and Sketch were wondering if we could...
    Sid: Come on. My whole family’s gonna be here in an hour.
    Anwar: It won’t take long.
    Sketch: It never takes long.

& Anwar: Oh, God. Godfather. The Godfather Part Two. Apocalypse Now. The Conversation... It’s not working.
    Sketch: You gotta get some staying power. Don’t you dare, boyo. I am far, far from satisfied.
    Anwar: OK. Oh... shit. Oh, fucking hell. ... Hello, Mrs Jenkins.

& Alex, Sid’s Grandpa: Liza!
    Liz, Sid’s Mom: How are you, Alex?
    Alex: Och, embracing adversity* as ever, my dear. But borne aloft* by the sight of you, lassie*.

& Sid: Subjects? Um, English, drama and psychology...
    Sandy, Sid’s Uncle: Psychology? It’s piss easy. No need o’ psychology, staring doon the sights o’ a Stinger missile, ken, aye?
    Alex: Maybe Sidney is gonna be a... strategic analyst like his father.

---

& Sid: So... Do you wanna go on the swing? Slide? Spliff? No? Say anything you like doing. Anything at all.
    Lex, Sid’s cousin: Fitba.
    Sid: You what?
    Ally, Sid’s cousin: Fitba!

& Sid: Alex, Sandy, Lex, Ally. Kinda weird. They’re all called Alexander.

& Mark: I’ll probably never change that much...
    Liz: Don’t talk. Just do something.
    Mark: I want you to do some...
    Liz: Oh, ja... ist gut...!
    Mark: What?!
    Liz: Nothing.

& Manfred: I vant my baby! And vat I vant, I take!
    Mark: Stop!
    Manfred: But, he is ein plinker! You are saying, he is ein plinker!
    Liz: Plonker*.
    Manfred: Right...

& Sid: I think I dumped Cassie. She’s with some guy.
    Mark: They’re always with some guy. If they’re special, you just have to make sure that that guy... is you.

& Chris: Nah. Angie’s coming back today. I’m a bit...
    Jal: Chris. She’s your psychology teacher. It was just a fling.
    Chris: No, it wasn’t. OK? She needed her space. Right, and now I really need her naked, buffed, gagging and slippy in my bed, because... You know, four months without sex, that ain’t funny.

& Chris: You probably wouldn’t understand that... You don’t have sex at all, do you? You have clarinet lessons.
    Jal: I do... I mean, I have had...
    Chris: Look, we’re not counting fapping here, Jal, right, cos if we were, I’d have had sex 14 times in two days.

& Tony: I haven’t had sex for... A long time.
    Chris: Right. OK, in summary then, we all need some pussy action.

Morning! All right. First of all, I’ve had a word with the Imam at Redcliffe Mosque about the school musical last month. I explained that it was all meant to be ironic and he was very understanding. He’s not exactly sure who imposed the fatwa, but it wasn’t him. Probably somebody in Iran. So — what a relief.

& Tony: Everyone says you looked after me when I was... iconic. Intimate. Fuck! Fuck! Ill... I mean, ill. I just can’t remember you.

& Tony: What’s happened?
    Sid: I can’t say it.


-- Dict:
adversity — несчастья
borne — нести; иметь
aloft — наверх
lassie — милочка
Plonker — dope, idiot, moron, wally, pillock, dunderhead, dimwit

On Imdb.

Skins 2x2

Sketch

Season 2, Episode 2

& # Once I was a lonely banker
    # All I cared for were margins and accounts
    # I’d pass you on the phone each morning
    # I knew one day that love would sprout
    # Then came the day Osama blew us away
    # Osama blew them away
    # And now I know how I feel.
    # Then came the day Osama blew us away
    # Osama blew them away
    # Then came the day Osama blew us away
    # Osama blew them away
    # Then came the day...

& Bruce: Do you know what this is? This is my script and I’m burning it! And do you know why? Becau... Because... You know I’ve burnt my... Thing... Because you made it shit!

& Bruce: Do you know what we’re doing here? Do you?.. This is an opportunity, a real opportunity, to tell the tragedy of my people.
    Michelle: You’re American?
    Bruce: Yes, I am. Metaphorically.

& Sid: Not everyone’s as desperate for sex as you, Anwar.
    Maxxie: Sid!
    Anwar: No, he’s right. See these hands, fucking friction burns, man! My sisters are getting suspicious about their disappearing hand cream.

& Sid: How many films have you seen, Chris?
    Chris: Counting porn?.. One. Driving Miss Daisy. It’s a classic. Interestingly, they did make a porn version of the film — it was called Fisting Miss Daisy. It’s a really good film. Really stood up to the original. Phenomenal.

& Anwar: You think either of them’s actually seen Star Wars? You reckon they know Luke’s her brother?

& Lucy: Mr Gelpart. {...} I want to act.
    Bruce: Yeah, well who doesn’t? {...} Oh, my dear... Acting is about truth. Truth is about beauty. Ugly people lack believability. Now, how can I put this kindly? You look like a liar.

---

& Anwar: Come on, Bruce. Where the goodies at? Whoa! Shit! If Bruce can get laid, anyone can.
    Maxxie: What’s the plan then, Rambo?
    Anwar: It’s an ancient dating strategy for getting laid. Mark yourself out of ten, and then aim two points below. An eight, goes for a six. That way, guaranteed success. Look, a poodle doesn’t get nothing with a labrador, but if he aims for a chihuahua?.. Woof!

& Maxxie: So what number are you then, hound-dog?
    Anwar: A seven. ... A six?! ... I’m not a five! Am I a five?
    Maxxie: Mate. You’re a seven. Course you are.
    Anwar: Yeah, baby! So we need to find me a five, yeah?

& Maxxie: What do you say, dance with my mate, Anwar? He’s seventh heaven.
    Lucy: Anwar?!
    Anwar: Yeah. Anwar, baby. 007. And you, my Chanel No 5.

& Tony: Doctors told me some things would take a while to come back.
    Michelle: OK, then. Let’s bring you back.

& Lucy: I mean, he... didn’t make me touch him or put his anything near me. Just kissed me on the cheek... and kept kissing me and rubbing his hands over me. And he said I was great... because I had little tits. “Almost like a boy,” he said. And that was it. He didn’t even touch any other part of me. Just my cheek... and my tits.

& Anwar: ... I heard he got his cock out and there’s a tattoo of Harry Potter, and he started shouting at Sketch “Kiss Harry to make him magic”.
    Chris: Drama teachers, man... “Pretend to be a tree”. “But I’m not a tree”. “Well, pretend”. Fucking perverts, the lot of ’em!

& Lucy: It’s for your own good. Crawling out of bed isn’t good for you. I will not... let you fuck up my life, Mum.

& Michelle: Oh, God. On a scale of one to... Oh, fuck scales, I’m shitting it!
    Lucy: You’re gonna be so good.
    Michelle: I’m under-rehearsed and shit!
    Lucy: Do you want something to get you through it?.. Pills of my mum’s. You need to take three to get a decent hit. Anti-anxieties. They’ll chill you out. Go on, I'd love to help you out.

& Chris: We’re over ten minutes late now. It’s time for action. If Rome won’t go to Mohammed, then Mohammed will clap until it does. ... Works every time.

& Maxxie: Who the fuck are you?!
    Lucy: Do you believe in magic, Maxxie? When we kiss... When we kiss...
    Maxxie: I’m gay! Do you understand that?!
    Lucy: Look at me! I’m as close to a boy as you can get! You could love me. We could love each other.

& Lucy: That’s not how it goes! It’s not! It’s not!
    Maxxie: You think you can fuck my life up and I’ll start fancying you? Look at yourself... Stay out of my life!
    ................
    Chris: Now that’s an ending!

& Lucy: Can I come in?
    Anwar: Well, um... Maxxie says you’re a psycho.
    Lucy: He thinks I fancy him. I don’t. I fancy you. I wanna have sex with you. But I can’t do it from out here, can I?
    Anwar: Shit, man. Biology revision here I come!

& Lucy: I’m a virgin.
    Anwar: Oh. Congratulations.

& Anwar: You mind if I list the complete filmography of Hugh Grant since’92? Slow things down.
    Bitter Moon.
    Remains of the Day.
    Sirens.
    Four Weddings.
    An Awfully Big Adventure — that one was rubbish.
    The Englishman Who Came... Came Up A Hill... And Went Down A Mountain.
    Nine Months.
    Sense... And Sensibility...
    Restoration.
    Extreme Measures.
    Ah... Notting Hill.
    Mickey Blue Eyes.
    Small Time Crooks.
    Bridget Jones! Ah! Bridget... Jones! Ah! ...
    I never get as far as About A Boy.


+ on Imdb.

__ Soundtrack's just perfect. 'Osama: The Musical' is splendid.

Skins 2x1

Tony and Maxxie

Season 2, Episode 1

& Girl-1: What’s up with you?
    Tony: I had a traumatic subdural haematoma with motor and perceptional complications.
    Girl-2: Are you mental?
    Tony: Yes.
    Girl-1: I’d still give you one.
    Girl-3: Totally. He’s well fit. Yeah, Queenie?
    Queenie: Yeah. He’s buff.

& Girls: See you Maxxie! Bye!
    Girl-1: I wanna give Maxxie one.
    Girl-4: You can’t. He’s homosexual.
    Girl-1: Bummer.

& Walter, Maxxie’s Dad: You’re getting qualifications and you’re coming to me on the building.
    Maxxie: But how’s a history A-level gonna help me be a builder?
    Walter: You’ll be an educated builder.

& Maxxie’s Mom: Oh, bloody hell, Tone! You always did make me laugh.
    Tony: You’re making me miss.

& Maxxie’s Mom: Just finished seeing to Tony.
    Chris: Yeah. She was... seeing to him...
    Walter: Great. How are you, lad?
    Tony: Better, thanks. She’s got warm hands.
    Walter: Oh, they’re lovely and warm. Always say that.

& Cassie: Rory’s going to let me blow his chanter later.
    Rory: It’s easy. Ye just need to learn tae finger it.
    Cassie: And I’ve already been beating Lachlan’s bodhran.
    Lachlan: Magic! Aye!

& Sid: Mighty fucking Scotland.

---

& Walter: How’s the wife?
    Bandy: Oh, not bad. They gave her early release. Still gotta wear the electronic tag, of course.
    Walter: Bummer.
    Bandy: And they’ve banned her for life from operating a concrete mixer or a cattle prod.
    Walter: It’s probably for the best.

& Tony: Do I know you?
    Abigail: Tony! You do... You know me really rather well. Remember? You were a very naughty boy. But I forgive you... Is it all still working, yah?
    Tony: Sorry. Can’t place you.
    Abigail: You remember, Tony. How you said I was like your total dream shag?
    Tony: Said that?
    Abigail: Because Michelle had the funny tits, and was so boring, and you wanted to go out with me cos I had the longest tongue you ever...
    Effy: He can’t... place you. Come on, Tone. ... Tongue?
    Tony: Oh, yeah.

& Walter: Jim? What’s wrong?
    Jim, Tony’s Dad: Sorry it’s so late... I’ve lost Tony. He doesn’t answer his phone. I don’t even know if he can. I can’t keep him in. But... He’s not right.
    Walter: Who is? Everything’s mental. This competition last week. Fucking break-dancing chihuahua. I mean, what’s it come to?
    Jim: ... Right.

& Jim: And now I don’t know where he is. Something happens, suddenly you’ve lost them.
    Walter: His friends’ll look after him.

& Sid: You’re avoiding me.
    Michelle: You make me think about him.
    Sid: You’re not the only one, Chelle.

& Michelle: Oh, Jesus! Tony?!
    Tony: Hello.
    Sid: Wait, I’ll go back with you.
    Tony: Effy’s taking me. I will remember everything.

& Walter: Lovely bit of cake, that. Young Dale’s got the magic touch.
    Maxxie: He’s got that all right.
    Walter: You’re good enough.
    Maxxie: Yeah. I am. I’m bloody good.

& Maxxie: I’m never gonna be a builder, Dad.
    Walter: You’ll understand this one day, kid. You’re everything I’ve got to show for my life. And I’m not ready for you to go, because I fucking love you too much. I’m an idiot, I know.
    Maxxie: I love you too, Dad.
    Walter: So if you’re not coming building, back to college. Give me the last year. And then it’s game on. All right?

& Walter: Taz. On your bed. At least the sodding dog does what he’s told.


On Imdb.

! Soundtracks're ideal.

Skins 1x10

Secret Party

Season 1, Episode 10

& Sid: I think I’m depressed.
Jal: You’re not depressed, you’re bored.
Sid: I’m not bored, I’m depressed.


& Chris: Seriously, in history... Like 600 years ago, whatever. There was these people called the diggers. They had no money, but they said “Fuck that, fuck money. Fuck tax, fuck... Cromwell.” Yeah? “Why don’t we all just live here, on this hill, and do some digging.”


& Lord: Hello?
Chris: Hello. Who are you?
Lord: I am the lord of the manor.
Chris: Yeah, right. I made you up.
Lord: Am I better than you imagined?
Chris: You’re naked.
Lord: Sorry, does that offend you?
Chris: No, no, it’s cool.
Lord: Splendid.

---

& Chris: Tell me about your parties.
Lord: Ah, my parties... They made history... Digger parties... Foam parties... Naked orgy parties... I had them all.
Chris: Wow, man.
Lord: And on that very four-poster bed there, Napoleon himself sucked Brigitte Bardot’s toes.
Chris: Fuck off!
Lord: Language!


& Lord: So, what kind of party would you like to throw?

Skins 1x9

Finale

Season 1, Episode 9

& Anwar: You fucked up my dream, Max.
    Maxxie: What was it?
    Anwar: Oh, the usual. Russian virgins.
    Maxxie: Good Muslim boys don’t dream about virgins.
    Anwar: That’s where you’re wrong, Max. That’s all we dream of.


& Anwar: Will you come to my birthday party, Max?
    Maxxie: Will you tell your mum and dad I’m gay?
    Anwar: I dunno.
    Maxxie: I can’t unless you do. 17. It’s the year of telling the truth. OK?


& Anwar’s Mom: Happy birthday, little boy!
    Anwar: I’m 17, Mum. I’m not a little boy any more.
    Mom: So it would seem.


& Anwar’s Dad: Is Maxxie here yet?
    Anwar: Um... no.
    Dad: We don’t see him these days.
    Anwar: We had a fight.
    Dad: A fight? You fight with your friends? What would you fight Maxxie about? He’s a good boy. Always well turned out, respectful. The best type.


& Chris: Are you gonna tell me who the fuck you are?
    Mervin: I’m the fiance.
    Chris: No, you’re not.
    Mervin: Yes, I am.
    Chris: Since when?
    Mervin: Since she asked me to marry her.
    Chris: Where the fuck did you come from?
    Mervin: I’m Mervin. She gave me genital herpes. I’m the love of her life. I’m back. You don’t stand a chance, kid, not even with that beautiful little cock of yours.
    Chris: What, she told you?!


& Mervin: How old are you?
    Chris: 17.
    Mervin: You haven’t got a soul yet. With luck you haven’t got herpes, either. Quit while you’re ahead. And with that, I bid you good day.


& Tony: You’re gonna be famous.
    Michelle: But if you’re famous you have to have, like, huge boobs and blonde hair and I have neither of them.

---

& Tony: Answer. You know you want to.
    Michelle: ’Hi. This is Michelle. Leave a message, except if you’re Tony, because Tony can fuck off!’


& Anwar: Mum, why does Uncle Muneer have to do the disco again?
    Anwar’s Mom: Why on Earth not?! Are you hearing this? He doesn’t want my own brother’s gift of music.
    Anwar’s Dad: Do what your mother says, ungrateful wretch!
    Anwar: But, Dad...
    Dad: Your uncle knows what’s respectable. Your English friends have no restraint. They don’t wear enough clothes. They drink, shout, fornicate*. They puke in the back of cabs. We have proper, tuneful music, so the English don’t burn the place down and get me arrested. That’s why your mother is right in all things. Now say no more about it. No more!
    Mom: Thank you, Istiak. Thank you very much. Come on, you three, now. Is the buffet going to do itself?
    Dad: Muneer’s an arsehole.
    Anwar: What did you just?..
    Dad: A complete tosser. At least he can’t grope the women up there.

& Angie: Merve went away on a field trip to Alaska for six months. Climate change.
    Chris: What? He doesn’t like hot weather?
    Angie: No. Climate change! The fucking icebergs are melting, OK?
    Chris: Oh...
    Angie: Christ! Did you ever pay any attention in college, Chris? We’re trying to fucking educate you!
    Chris: Well, cheers, Angie. Appreciate it.


& Muneer: Welcome, everybody, and a happy birthday to Anwar! He’s the apple of my sister’s eye, a great God-fearing lad. So we’ve thrown a party to celebrate his birthday and... his marriage to his cousin who’s just flown in from Pakistan! .......... Aaaah! Got you! Had you going! Didn’t I? Didn’t I?


& Sid: I love her.
    Tony: Oh... well. Then we’d better attend to that need with due dispatch, my friend.
    Sid: Tony, you’re my best friend, but I really don’t know what the fuck you’re on about most of the time. Do you think that matters?


& Maxxie: Hi, Mr Kharral.
    Dad: You’re just in time for the food.
    Anwar: Dad... Maxxie’s gay!
    Dad: We’ve got a fantastic lamb bhuna. My wife made it because she knows...
    Anwar: Dad. Did you hear me?
    Dad: And the spices are just so hot, you know. Not too much, not too little...
    Maxxie: I’m gay, Mr Kharral. I always have been.
    Dad: It’s a fucking stupid, messed-up world. I’ve got my God. He speaks to me every day. Some things I just can’t work out. So I leave them be. OK? Even if I think they’re wrong. Because I know one day He’ll make me understand. I’ve got that trust. It’s called belief. I’m a lucky man. Right?
    Anwar: Yes, Dad.
    Dad: Come, Maxxie. The food’s ready.


& Chris: Jesus, Anwar! Who’s the DJ? That’s Starship. Even I think that’s wank!


& Muneer: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a happy event! A very happy event! Everyone, whoo! {...}
    Chris: Yeah. She loves me.

Cat Stevens - Wild World

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

Now that I’ve lost everything to you
You say you wanna start something new
And it’s breakin’ my heart you’re leavin’
Baby, I’m grievin’
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you have a lot of nice things to wear
But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there

Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world
It’s hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world
I’ll always remember you like a child, girl

..........................

-- Dict:
fornicate — блудить; вступать во внебрачную связь


+ on Imdb.

__ And this was Finale, and the

End of Season 1

Skins 1x8

Effy

Season 1, Episode 8

& Tony: Fuck! Come on, Sid.
    Sid: Looks a bit... spooky.
    Tony: You’re not still afraid of the dark?.. You still sleep with that night light on, don’t you?!
    Sid: It’s not a night light! It’s a glow-in-the-dark Batman. It’s retro.


& Effy: Sometimes I think I was born backwards, you know? Come out of my mum the wrong way. I hear words go past me backwards. The people I should love I hate. And the people I hate...


& Cassie: Do you want to kiss me, Sid? ... OK. So this is where you lean in. ... Cool.
    Sid: Yeah... I’m sorry, I’m usually better than that. It’s...
    Cassie: No, it was lovely.
    Sid: No, my rhythm was out and my teeth, they kept getting in the way. Could I... try again?
    Cassie: Only if you don’t ask.

---

I don’t know why I couldn’t feel it before.
Faith in a world I can’t believe in any more.
I’m tired of being here,
I’m tired of being wrong.
The universe keeps turning.
Where do I belong?
You don’t remember me
But I remember you.
I lie awake, trying not to think of you.
The way I let you down,
The way I did you wrong.
The universe keeps turning
Where do I belong?

& Sid: Hang on. That’s enough. He loves Effy. Don’t you think this is hard enough?
    Tony’s Dad: And who the fuck are you?
    Sid: I’m his best friend!
    Tony’s Dad: And I’m his fucking father!
    Sid: I know what you are.


+ on Imdb.

Skins 1x7

Michelle

Season 1, Episode 7

& Michelle: Oh, God, I love him so much! And I made him go away. Look... He’s so lovely.
    Angie: Speak to him. Always best to talk. ... Communication, that’s the key.
    Michelle: Fuck off, you wanker! No, you listen to me, tosser! Leave me alone. Leave me alone! For the last time, fucking leave me alone!


& Chris: I know you want me.
    Angie: I don’t want you.
    Chris: It makes perfect sense.
    Angie: None of this makes sense. I’m your fucking psychology teacher, OK?


& Angie: Anyway, who’s presenting?
    Tony: It’s me.
    Angie: OK, well, get on with it.
    Tony: “The role of sex in power relationships.”
    Angie: I asked you to write that?
    Tony: Yeah. “Power is the single most important force in the universe. Money and looks mean nothing except for the power they give us. The second most important is sex. So sex plus power equals fun.” ...
    Angie: Whatever you did that Michelle’s too upset to talk about, I hope you’re ashamed of yourself.
    Maxxie: It was all my fault. I got off with Tony on the Russia trip. ... I only did it because I fell out with Anwar when he said he hated gays, so I got upset, and Tony said he’d give me head, to cheer me up, you know, and I didn’t mean anything, but I lost my head and then he gave me head, and then we got deported from Russia. And I’m really, really sorry for being a slut, OK?

Sleep Station Brothers - Goodnight To The Moon

So say goodnight
To the fallen truth
Say goodnight to the anger
that swells inside you
Say good night to the stars
That are following you
And say good night to the moon.

---

& Cassie: ’Hi, this is Cass. Don’t bother leaving a message because I’m not listening.’


& Sid: Wait. What are we?
    Michelle: It’s now, Sid. It’s now, OK?


& Sid: Chelle! I’ve dreamt of this twice a night for the past eight years, to be exact... and three times on birthdays.
    Michelle: Wow! Was I good?
    Sid: Oh, yeah, yeah. But this feels funny, you know?
    Michelle: My tits feel funny?
    Sid: No! No. You’ve got a lovely handful. But the thing is, you’re Michelle. My friend Michelle.


& Sid’s Dad: Sid, have you got a razor I could borrow?
    Sid: It’s OK, Dad. Michelle’s just a bit upset.
    Dad: Finally! Liz?.. Yeah. Hey, listen. It’s conclusive*! He’s not gay!


& Cassie: You want to stroke my pussy?


& Sid: I realized something. I’ve been an idiot.
    Cassie: Yes.
    Sid: And I was hoping maybe you’d give me another chance?
    Cassie: Oh, wow, Sid! Cool. You’re so lovely. Wow!
    Sid: Great.
    Cassie: If I wasn’t seeing Simon, that’d be amazing.
    Sid: Simon?!
    Simon: That’s me.
    Cassie: We’ve got so much in common. Depression, self-Ioathing. He knows we can’t have a physical thing, I don’t do that now.
    Simon: I’m still hoping you’ll change your mind.
    Cassie: I won’t. So you see, it’s all so exciting.
    Sid: Right.
    Cassie: He wants me.
    Simon: I do.
    Cassie: And he can never have me.
    Simon: I’m hopeful.
    Cassie: It’s just perfect. Isn’t it?



-- Dict:
conclusive — убедительный; окончательный; решающий; неоспоримый


+ on Imdb.

Skins 1x6

Maxxie and Anwar

Season 1, Episode 6

& Maxxie: You gonna be this horny the whole trip?
    Anwar: Just wait till we get there. Oh, man. Those Russian peasant babes will do anything for some Levi’s and a Big Mac!


& Tom: We’re gonna work hard, understanding the culture and history of Mokshovkov in the Mordovian Republic of the Russian Federation. OK? We’re gonna see the real Russia, yeah? The wild and desolate land that Napoleon and Hitler failed to tame. This is adventure, yeah? This is living, breathing history. Who’s with me? ... Thank you, sir. I was addressing history students only.


& Anwar: Now what?
    Angie: Just walk on.
    Anwar: I’m trying — they just look so disappointed I’m not a terrorist.
    Tony: Well, you’re a very dull Muslim, Anwar. Very dull indeed.


& Tom: Dobry den. Ya, Tom Barkley. And you are...
    Kovskaya: Irene Kovskaya. Translator. Come! I lock you in!


& Anwar: Wank or tell group? Wank or tell group? Ah, tell group!


& Maxxie: What the fuck?
    Anwar: What?
    Maxxie: “Bad mood — comfy jim jams”?
    Anwar: What? You try arguing with a 45-year-old Pakistani woman, then...


& Maxxie: We’re going out on the pull.
    Anwar: Make sure you don’t bring anyone back.
    Maxxie: Huh?
    Anwar: We are sharing a room Max, yeah. I don’t wanna have to pretend to be asleep while you’re doing whatever you do with some big Cossack guy.


& Maxxie: Well, have you ever tried being with a man?
    Anwar: No! Don’t be sick.
    Maxxie: You calling me sick?
    Anwar: No! I dunno what I think, yeah. I’m just a Muslim. Gay’s... just wrong.

---

& Maxxie: You fucking prick. I can’t believe you’re putting that Muslim bullshit on me!
    Anwar: What?
    Maxxie: I’m against God? You’re the fucking worst Muslim!
    Anwar: I pray five times a day.
    Maxxie: For what?.. More pork chops? Fuck it. Let’s get a drink. Of course Allah wants you doing Class As from Sid’s arse!
    Anwar: You’re talking about my religion!
    Maxxie: How was I ever friends with a fucking hypocrite? Happy fucking Ramadan.
    Anwar: It’s not Ramadan!


& Mrs. Rynkowski: What is problem?
    Maxxie: You won’t understand. I mean, you can’t even speak English.
    Mrs. Rynkowski: No problem! Vodka! Now, you tell me problem. We drink and problem kaput, da? Na zdoroviye!


& Angie: Chris, this... was a one-off. I don’t have sex with my 17-year-old students.
    Chris: How old are they normally?


& Anwar: Ummm... me... name... Anwar.
    Anka: Me... name... Anka.
    Anwar: If only you knew the things I’d love to do to you... Rub my fingers through your hair... Kiss your lips... Kiss your neck. Come on your tits.
    Anka: Sounds like fun.
    Anwar: You speak English?!?!
    Anka: Ya-hah!


& Anwar: You were right, Max. I am a hypocrite.
    Maxxie: Go on.
    Anwar: No. I can’t. It’s not right.
    Maxxie: It’s religion, Anwar. It’s just stuff. You don’t have to believe in it.
    Anwar: Then where does that leave me, Max? I’m a Muslim boy. I don’t get to choose.
    Maxxie: But where does that leave us?



+ on Imdb.

Skins 1x5

Sid

Season 1, Episode 5

& Teacher Tom: So... 2,000 words on Lech Walesa, Solidarity and the collapse of Soviet power. You’ve got two days. Get your head down.
    Mark, Sid’s father: Jesus Christ! You better fucking believe he’s getting his head down. You can say goodbye to sunshine, Sunshine. You are grounded. Oh, yes, my boy! We’re going to do this my way now! You hear me? The gravy train has terminated! Terminated! You lazy little fucker.


& Cassie: Hi. Wow, Maxxie, you look all horny.
    Maxxie: You can tell?


& Mark: Right, you have been warned! Oh, yes, I warned you! This is what happens. No telly. No stereo. No... Asian Fanny Fun. That should be enough to help you concentrate. Is it?!


& Sid: Ah, yeah. That’s better. Oh, yeah. Ah, yeah.
    Tony: ...... I’m just gonna go out and come back in again. OK?


& Tony: Hello. It’s Tony! All right, Sid? Thought you might need a hand. With your coursework. Shall we let some air in here? ... That’s better. Is that a picture of my girlfriend?


& Mark: ...look, actually, er, Sid’s got some work to do now, so...
    Tony: OK. Hope to see you very soon, Sid. Nice to see you, Mark. Bye, Liz! Bye, Tony!
    Sid: What?
    Mark: Why could you not be like... Why did I?..

Yeah Yeah Yeahs — Date With The Night

---

& Chris: Where’s Tony?
    Michelle: I don’t know. Fuck! We’d better be at the right concert.
    Sid: No, it’s definitely here.


& Chris: Beach Boys, man. Fucking top!


& Michelle: What the fuck?
    Tony: Hi. Just checking Abi’s diaphragm contractions.


& Abi: Well... Michelle. I’m just wondering why you’re overreacting like this.
    Michelle: Overreacting?! Right in my face, you whore!
    Abi: You know, typically, episodes of paranoia might be symptomatic of a wide range of emotional and mental issues. Maybe, you know, you need some help with the outbursts. My mother’s a psychologist, she could... Oh! Ow! I’ll kill you, you fucking flat-chested cocksucking spastic horse-fucker!
    Sid: Woah, good swearing.


& Tony: Go after her.
    Sid: What?
    Tony: Life throws up so few opportunities...
    Sid: But she’s your girlfriend.
    Tony: ...who you love. Change. It’s a wonderful thing. Look, you know how subatomic particles don’t obey physical laws? They act according to chance, chaos, coincidence... They run into each other in the middle of the universe, and, bang! Energy. We’re the same as that. That’s the great thing about the universe. Unpredictable. That’s why it’s so much fun.
    Sid: ........ I’m... just gonna go see if she’s OK, all right?
    Tony: Sid. Bang!


& Sid: Michelle would never... never fuck a horse.


& Mark: Where the fuck have you been!!?
    Sid: Dad, I just nipped to the shops.
    Mark: For three hours?
    Sid: I got lost.


& Mark: Did you think we wouldn’t know? Did you actually think that we wouldn’t know?!
    Sid: Dad, you’re such a...
    Mark: Such a what? Such a... Such a what? Such a fucking what? Such a fucking what?!
    Sid: Dildo.


& Cassie: It’s your choice, Sid. Everything is your choice. Wake up, Sid.
    Sid: Bollocks.


& Sid’s Mom: I want you to make more of an effort with your dad in general. He’s a good guy.
    Sid: He doesn’t act like one.
    Mom: Not recently, no.

The New York Fund — The Guns Of Camden Town

& Chris: Yo! Last night, man. Cool. Total blast. Everything you could want from an evening. Songs, choirgirls, colourful costumes, fellatio... Rabbits...


& Tom: Sooo... Coursework? ... Sid, there are people here you can talk to. I am here for you. We can sort this out. I’m all ears. Come on.
    Sid: What? We can sort out the fact that my best mate wants me to make move on his girlfriend, who I love, even though she still loves him and now actually hates me? My Dad thinks I’m a complete fuck-up, and can’t stop acting like a fuck-up and no matter what I try, I can’t stop pissing everyone off? We can sort that out, can we?
    Tom: OK. OK, yeah. Give me a moment to, um... Life, Sid. There are lots of ups and downs, OK? It is like a... It’s like a... bird, flying. Find your wings, Sid. Right. And do your fucking coursework. Otherwise you’re fucked.
    Sid: Yeah. Thanks, Tom. That sorts it.
    Tom: Pas de probleme, Sidney. So see you tomorrow.


& Tony: Your mistake, my friend, was making your move too quickly.
    Sid: What?
    Tony: Yes, grasshopper. Sensei say that boy must wait 12 hours before he approach girl on rebound.


& Sid: I love you.
    Michelle: Huh?
    Sid: Nothing.


& Doctor: You need to be relatives. Are you family?
    Sid: No.
    Jal: Yes, I’m her sister.
    Sid: Right. Is he your brother?
    Jal: No. He’s not.


+ on Imdb.


! Drop dead OST.

Skins 1x4

Chris

Season 1, Episode 4

& Sid 2 some [very] drunk girl: See, I reckon life's about living in the moment, you know... finding, you know, happiness, pleasure... You know?.. Whoa. Steady!* I'm not going to lie to you, I'm in love with someone else. But why should I love you? We don't know each other at all... And I've got this physical need thing, and I was hoping... maybe you have too. ... I thought - maybe I'm wrong - we should get to know each other first. I'II... call you tomorrow. What's your... What's your number?


& Chris: No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. Angie, Angie, look, look, it's not like that, all right? I dropped a couple of them Viagra by mistake and it's been like that all day. It's been like a second leg, fucking third leg. It's... It's just Viagra!
Old Man: You see? That's Viagra for you. More trouble than it's worth.
Old Woman: Speak for yourself, Casa-never.

---

& Chris: Hey, do you... do you wanna hear about the best day of my life?



-- Dict:
Whoa. Steady! = Calm down!

On Imdb.

Skins 1x3

Jal

Season 1, Episode 3

& Claire: No! Mezzo. Fucking mezzo for fuck's sake! ... Jesus Christ, Kevin. Lose the sodding chewing gum, you twat! ... Trumpets, fucking keep up. ... Shit! Wank! You useless frigging tosser. See me after. Now accelerando. Fucking accelerando. ... And one, two, three, one, two... Yes, and hold it, hold the phrase. Yeah! Fuck my donkey, that's good!


& Sid: Is, uh, Tony in?
    Jal: Pretty much in.


& Jal: Zip.
    Sid: It's... in your... arse, Jal.
    Jal: For Christ's sakes, are you gonna help me here or not?


& Jal: You really know how to talk to a girl, Sid.
    Sid: Do I?
    Jal: No.


& Jal: What's that noise. Is he?..
    Michelle: You know, he's just... h-hanging out.
    Jal: Yeah. Ring me back when you aren't actually being penetrated, OK?

---

& Alicia: Um, Jal. I thought maybe I could use your flute on one of my tracks...
    Jal: Where you going, sister? I ain't no choong*.


& Michelle: For fuck's sake. It's brown.
    Jal: It's not. It's green. I suit green.


& Jal: Jesus, 'Chelle. I can't wear that stuff.
    Michelle: Shut up. You, girl, need to learn a few tricks.
    Jal: Like what?
    Michelle: Like looking good. It's what I do.
    Jal: It isn't all you do.
    Michelle: Yeah, it is. You play clarinet and I look shaggable. It's talent, girl. Pure talent.


& Jal: For Christ's sake. Stop looking at them.
    Maxxie: Sorry Jal. They're a bit... Well, they're out, aren't they?
    Jal: You're gay, for Christ sakes.
    Maxxie: Yeah... I mean, yeah, of course.
    Jal: And you're supposed to respect women's bodies, Muslim boy.
    Anwar: I'm respecting. Believe me, I'm respecting.
    Chris: Are those?.. I mean, what's keeping it all up? Is that...
    Jal: Don't touch!
    Chris: But I wanna touch. Honestly, I'll die if I don't touch.



-- Dict:
choong = some one who looks good and is buff


+ on Imdb.

Skins 1x2

Cassie

Season 1, Episode 2

& Anwar: I'm trying to pray to my god here, Cass.
    Cassie: Oh... wow... Is he listening?
    Anwar: I hope not. Otherwise he knows about all those pills I necked last night.
    Cassie: Sing more quietly.
    Anwar: Yup... Allahu Akbar.


& — 880 grams each.
    Cassie: Neat*.
    — That's over one-and-a-half kilos, right?
    Cassie: 1,760.
    — Sorted.


& Cassie: Oh, it was fun. Throwing all that food around. Just like, throwing it everywhere. Wow. Wow!


& Sid: How do you do it?
    Cassie: What?
    Sid: Come on, Cass. I mean you never eat anything. Your parents must notice or something.
    Cassie: I dunno. I like you, Sid.
    Sid: Oh... OK.
    Cassie: So I'm going to show you. You have to do a lot of talking. I'm good at talking. You do that while you're cutting things up a lot. Then, questions. Where's your Student Card?
    Sid: Sorry?

---

& Cassie: ... There you go. Job done.
    Sid: That's impressive.
    Cassie: Cheers.
    Sid: But aren't you kind of, you know... lying to everyone?
    Cassie: I'm so better. I got discharged from the clinic.
    Sid: Seems a bit fucked up*.
    Cassie: What?
    Sid: I said just seems a bit fucked up, that's all.
    Cassie: Oh, wow. But you see... It's like nobody's fucking business. And it's not exactly like anybody cares, so...
    Sid: I care.


& Tony: Don't you ever wash?
    Sid: That's like lipstick.
    Tony: Yeah, man, the essence of woman. Well, one at least.


& Sid: I didn't have time.
    Tony: Time? I've been home, showered, done my Chi, had a wank,
subtly undermined my dad, put new clothes on and here I am. With my English coursework.
    Sid: English coursework. Oh, fuck!
    Tony: Sometimes I wonder why you even bother to get up in the morning. You're such a complete fucking waste of time and... Ahh, shit!
    Cassie: Wow, Tony. Bummer*. It looks like you pissed yourself.


& Angie: Tony! This is a room for female staff.
    Tony: Yeah. The drier's broken in ours...
    Sid: Ah, there you are. Jesus, we're in trouble! That crazy fucking dealer found us, Tony. Hi, Angie. We gotta do something. I mean, you could talk to him and... Oh, fuck!
    Chris: Oh, you wankers. That was well funny, man. But someone's gonna have to apologize cos Kenneth's crying now so... Oh, Jesus Christ, Holy Mary, Mother of God! That's Angie! Don't look! Get out!
    Angie: For fuck's sake! Fuck off! ... You still got it.


& Angie: You shouldn't go into the staff showers, Sid!
    Sid: I know, I know. It was a crisis.
    Angie: Well, it's just a bit embarrassing that's all. Actually, I'm pretty confident about my body...
    Sid: No, I'm having a crisis.
    Angie: Oh. Well, sometimes adult bodies can be a little overwhelming.
    Sid: Oh, for Christ's sake, Angie, I don't care about your tits! I'm in deep, deep, deep shit.


& Angie: Well look, when it comes to debt, the best thing to do is to face up to it before it gets out of hand. All you have to do is go to the person you owe money to and calmly ask them to reschedule the payments.
    Sid: Reschedule payments? So that's one ball now and then the balance next week.
    Angie: Believe me, Sid, I'm a responsible adult.
    Sid: I know. OK?
    Angie: Now what was it, a phone or something?
    Sid: Actually, Angie, it was three ounces of prime hydroponic skunk.
    Angie: Shit!
    Sid: Yeah, shit.
    Angie: Go to the police?
    Sid: They'll arrest me.
    Angie: Give it back?
    Sid: I lost it in the harbor.
    Angie: Keep your head down?
    Sid: He's got my student ID card.
    Angie: Right. Right. OK.
    Sid: Basically, I'm fucked, aren't I?
    Angie: Yep.
    Sid: Well, thanks, Angie, I feel a lot better now, yeah.
    Angie: Look, give me a moment. I'm sure I can come up with something... No, sorry. Chris!
    Chris: Mm-hm.
    Angie: You've come to apologize, right?
    Chris: Huh?
    Angie: To say sorry.
    Chris: Oh, yes. Erm, yes, I'm sorry. Sorry I saw your boobs. Sorry I saw your bum. Erm, sorry I saw your...
    Angie: Apology accepted, Chris.


& Cassie: Sid. Are you OK?
    Sid: Bit fucked up as it goes.



-- Dict:
Neat — четко; точно; отлично
fucked up = damaged in some way.
Bummer — неприятное происшествие; разочарование; лодырь


+ on Imdb.


_ У-жос.

Skins 1x1

Tony

Season 1, Episode 1

& Jim, Tony's Dad: Every fucking morning!


& Tony: Anyway, it's not that much to ask, Nips*. Sid's almost 17. He's gotta get laid before his birthday otherwise he can't be my friend, obviously.
    Jal: What the fuck are you talking about?!
    Tony: Sorry, Jal. Wrong call. Can you hold?
    Jal: No.
    Tony: Perhaps you could help out with Sid's cherry.
    Jal: I don't think so! You need someone deaf, blind and stupid for that.


& Tony: Party tonight. Sid's getting de-cherried*.
    Anwar: Chris promised Maxxie we're gonna go to his big gay night out.
    Tony: Is Chris gay?
    Anwar: No.
    Tony: Are you gay?
    Anwar: No. But Maxxie says there's gonna be lots of hot women there... desperate because there's nobody to shag - except for me and Chris.
    Tony: Anwar, you dippy twat. Sid's flying solo down the tunnel of love and he needs support, yeah?
    Anwar: Could we watch?
    Tony: Oh, Jesus!


& Tony: Alright, who's stupid enough to fuck Sid?
    Michelle: Cassie?


& Sid: Are we getting me laid or shall I just start filming and take it back for private time?

---

& Chris: What you been doing in Poshville Towers, eh?
    Tony: Broadening my horizons.
    Chris: Those girls do not do fickety fick with town scum like you. It doesn't matter what you can do with your muscles.
    Tony: 'I say this world extends way beyond this field of dreams. And I want to see that world.'
    Chris: What the fuck's he on about?
    Jal: He's quoting. It's a literary reference.
    Chris: What? You mean Shakespeare and shit?
    Jal: Dawson's Creek.


& Mad Twat 2 Sid: Three ounces... That's three hundred pounds of easy credit, so you've got 48 hours to pay me. ... Have you got balls? ... Yeah... I'm just checking, because your balls are your collateral*. You got me?


& Chris: Angie's phone... Stop ringing her, or you'll have me to deal with.
    Angie: Let me have it.
    Chris: Yep, Chris Miles here... Angie's friend. ... She's got friends, you know what I'm saying, you tosser*. ... Right. Yeah, yeah, I'll have the coursework in by Thursday. Are you saying I can have an extension?.. Yeah. And don't ring her again... bellend*! Sorted him out!


& Chris: Jesus. As big gay nights go... It's not that big.
    Maxxie: I'm sorry, guys. I just wanted to show you my world, you know.
    Chris: I'm definitely not turning gay.
    Anwar: Me neither. Nope.
    Maxxie: It can be a lot of fun. We had the Pontypool Mounted Police Formation Dance Team in last week... Hey, where you going?
    Chris: To find that party. All the boys are gay.
    Maxxie: Yeah? Are the girls gay too?
    Chris: Look, everyone's gay. Right, let's get the fuck out of here.


& Cassie: You fancy me?
    Sid: I... Sure, I...
    Cassie: But you really love Michelle.
    Sid: It shows?
    Cassie: Fucking right it shows. Anyway, she told me.


& Sid: Tony.
    Tony: Yes, Sid.
    Sid: Chris and that Polish girl... They got out of the car at the hospital, right?.. I mean, they got out before the harbour, yeah?..



-- Dict:
Nips = Hard nipples, visable through the shirt.
cherry = an inexperienced person; a novice
collateral — залог
tosser = another name for a Wanker (one who suffers from chronic masturbation)
bellend = British slang for the glans penis, or penis head


+ on Imdb.