Four Minutes

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel 5×9

Rose: And by the way, they say that children who lie become violent criminals. ... Does this not concern you?
Midge: Not particularly.
Rose: Hmm. I thought, as their mother, you might want to do something about it.
Midge: Like what?
Rose: How should I know?
Midge: And there you have it. I learned from the best.

Midge: I'm going on the show tonight. And I'm in work clothes. I need show clothes. Very different clothes.
Alvin: How?
Midge: I could explain it to you, but there will be terms like "side darts" and "ruching" bandied about.

Midge: He was pissed.
Susie: Why?
Midge: Why do you think? She asked him. I think she asked him.
Susie: Well, I'll be damned...
Midge: I don't think he liked us going around him.
Susie: Tough shit. That's what you do when a big dead moose is lying in the middle of the road. You roll the fuck over him, hack him up and make a stew.

Shirley: Moishe's gonna retire.
Joel: What? Really?
Moishe: Selling the business. Everything goes.
Joel: Just like that?
Moishe: Sometimes it takes falling in the shower for everything to become very clear. Life is precious. And it's not all about you. You have to think about the other people in your life.
Joel: What about the workers?
Moishe: Fuck 'em.

Abe: I got a call from Miriam. She is going to be on The Gordon Ford Show tonight. She's going to do her act!
Rose: Oh. Well, good for her.

Rose: Why are you whispering?
Zelda: Janusz does not want me talking to you people anymore. He says you are vampires sucking the lifeblood out of us.

Abe: I offered this man money and services.
Rose: I offered that one my wedding ring, nothing.
Abe: And still he... wait, what?
Rose: He looked at me like I was insane.
Abe: How could you offer him your wedding ring? That belonged to my great-grandmother.
Rose: Abe, don't try to change the subject.
Abe: What? That was an heirloom. It was priceless. She wouldn't even wear it. She sewed it into her wig, so no one would steal it.

Abe: Miriam, I found your mother!

Mike: I can feel your eyes burning a hole through my head.
Susie: You're lucky I'm not staring at your balls.

Abe: Miriam, I have to say, though not a word of any note has come out of your mouth, it is still very exciting to see you sitting on that stool.
Midge: Thank you, Papa.

Rose: Miriam.
Midge: You know you can get pregnant squatting like that.
Rose: I told you that one time, and you've never let me forget it.
Midge: Because it was a doozy.

Rose: I just want you to know, I'm very touched that you had so many people ask me to come here tonight.

Midge: I'm thinking about doing something, Susie, something reckless that could go very badly for both of us.
Susie: Yeah?
Midge: It could ruin us. Definitely me and you by extension.
Susie: Okay.

Susie: Look, you started your career by getting up on a stage that no one told you to get up on, saying a bunch of shit that no one wanted you to say, so... tits up.
Midge: Tits up.

Susie: Buckle up, Mikey...

Midge: My kids, God, I promise their names will come to me. I think it's inevitable that they will hate me when they grow up. Like every other parent, I spend sleepless nights imagining what my kids are gonna say about me to their psychiatrists.

Midge: ... That's the kind of fame I want. Where I never have to know who I am or where I'm going. Where one day Bob Hope walks up to me at a restaurant and says, "Hi, I'm Bob Hope. You probably don't remember meeting me," and I say, "Of course I do. I'll have the chicken."

Midge: I want a big life. I want to experience everything. I want to break every single rule there is. They say ambition is an unattractive trait in a woman. Maybe. But you know what's really unattractive? Waiting around for something to happen. Staring out a window, thinking the life you should be living is out there somewhere but not being willing to open the door and go get it. Even if someone tells you you can't. Being a coward is only cute in The Wizard of Oz.

Gordon Ford: I have to say, I agree with you. You are definitely not a writer.
Midge: That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

Gordon Ford: Ladies and gentlemen, making her first but definitely not last appearance on The Gordon Ford Show, may I present the magnificent, the magical, the marvelous Mrs. Maisel.
Abe: There she is. That's my daughter.
Joel: That's my ex-wife.
Archie: That's my best friend's ex-wife.
Joel: That's my ex-wife!

Gordon Ford: You're fired.

Midge: I hope you're right because I don't have a plan B. All my eggs are in one big basket.
Lenny Bruce: Mm, allow me...
Midge: God, I love a man who steals my food.
Lenny Bruce: "A spotlight waits for you center stage. All you have to do is step up and claim it."
Midge: Wow.
Lenny Bruce: "Once you do, everyone will know who you are. They will know your wit, your intellect, your smile. Your great, expressive eyes." "They will be helpless to your charms."
Midge: That must be some very small writing.
Lenny Bruce: "They will fall at your feet and worship at the altar of you and your show corset."

Midge: Can I see that fortune?
Lenny Bruce: Oh, no. If someone sees you can read, they'll never let you be famous.
Midge: "Your lucky numbers are 46, 24, 11, six and five."
Lenny Bruce: It's all how you read it.

--
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The End

The Princess and the Plea

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel 5×8

Joel: Well?
Moishe: This, my son, is a girl you do not let go of.
Joel: This, Pop... is forever.

Midge: ... But they're your friends.
Joel: I just need you. That's all.
Midge: Took you a while to figure that out.

Rose: Is there candy in the book?
Abe: No, there's no candy in the book. Why would there be candy in the book?
Rose: Well, if you're waiting for her to go over to that book, I assumed you put some candy in the book. Hard candy, that's what she likes.
Abe: I don't want to feed her hard candy, Rose, I want to see if she'll go over to the book and not because she thinks there's candy.
Rose: What's the book?
Abe: It's Being and Nothingness by Sartre.
Rose: Are there pictures?
Abe: In Being and Nothingness?! No, there's no pictures.
Rose: Then you should probably put some candy in the book. Even one piece could make a difference.
Abe: Rose, I just want to see if she's curious about the text in the book. I have to see if my granddaughter is the grandson I've been waiting for.

Rose: She's not going to know what Being and Nothingness is, even if she's curious about the text.
Abe: No one knows what Being and Nothingness is, Sartre doesn't even know. Even I'm just pretending to read it.
Rose: Pretending?
Abe: For the experiment.

Midge: Bye. Cleanliness is next to godliness. Holy shit, what am I, 80?

Midge: Hey, guys. Here again, huh?
Shirley: One of the writers said we were such good laughers, he gave us an open invite to the show. So we plan to be here every night.

Hedy Ford: I understand you wrote the weather report bit.
Midge: I came up with the concept. The boys helped make it funny.
Hedy Ford: Don't.
Midge: What?
Hedy Ford: Don't.
Midge: Okay.
Hedy Ford: If the credit's yours, take it. If it's not, take it. That's what the boys do.

Midge: You've worked your ass off, Susie, and I've done everything you said. I-I've stayed sharp. I've been a good soldier, I bat a thousand at work every day, and he notices. It would make so much sense for him to give me a shot, but he will not be moved. That fucking brick wall keeps hitting us both smack in the face. It's two steps forward, three steps back, and I'm tired of it.
Susie: So am I. But what do you do about the Gordons and the Petes and all the fucking men that run the fucking world?
Midge: You go around them. You use whatever you can and you stop at nothing. Guess who taught me that!

Abe: Oh, God, I'm sorry. I've been such a drip. ... I'm...
Gabe: Abe?
Abe: It's just the whole goddamn world. You know?
Henry: Only that?
Abe: Ah, I'm getting maudlin.
Gabe: What about the world, Abe?
Abe: I've just turned 64. And at a time when I should be comfortable, settled in body, in mind... I'm not. At all. I suddenly find myself at a crossroads. And everything feels upside down.
Arthur: That's because everything is changing at such an ungodly pace, Abe. Especially for men our age.
Abe: Men our age...
Arthur: We were born in the 1800s. A different century. Before phones, before radio. My parents' house had no electricity till I was seven. One can't keep up.
Henry: Yes, and it's physiological as much it is psychological. Homo sapiens crawled along, playing the same roles for tens and tens of thousands of years, and now, suddenly, we're forced to adapt to this rapid-fire change. More change in a year than our predecessors experienced in a lifetime, in a millennium. Think about it. Change, to our predecessors, were sudden exogenous events: earthquakes, floods, an eclipse, a saber-toothed tiger lunging at you out of nowhere. They were things to be dealt with, in the moment. Then things naturally reverted back to the norm. But now... change happens over you. Change itself is the flood, change itself is the saber-toothed. Change itself is the norm.

Abe: My fear, though, is that the world is as it always was, and I just didn't see it. That a lot of us didn't see it. Us men.
Gabe: I had a feeling we'd get gender-specific.
Abe: I'm serious. We can't blame exogenous events. It's too easy. Our collective blindness has caused a lot of harm. We controlled so much, meddled so much, and to what end?

Abe: I'm having one of your moments, Arthur. I'm seeing the piles of my life, and they're foreign to me.
Gabe: This is about your family, right? You tried to help. You tried to guide. Mistakes were made. Everybody makes mistakes.
Abe: Everything I thought about the roles of men and women I think is completely wrong. I have done exactly the wrong thing for both my children... You know... my daughter owns the apartment I'm living in?
Gabe: I thought you bought it. Didn't you say that?
Abe: My wife came up with that, our cover story. No, my daughter bought it. My daughter... My daughter was dumped by her husband, out of nowhere. That was her saber-toothed. Instead of collapsing from the weight, she emerged stronger. A new person, so I thought. But now I think... perhaps that was who she was all along. I never really took her seriously. My son Noah I took seriously. I would take him to Columbia with me every week so he could dream of what he could be. I don't remember if I ever did that for Miriam. I don't think it ever occurred to me. And as unfathomable as this career choice of hers is, she's doing it on her own. With no help from me or her mother. Where did this come from? This strength, this fearlessness that... that I never had. That my poor son never had. What could she have been if I had helped her and not ignored her, ignored who she really is?

Abe: My daughter is a remarkable person, and I don't think I've ever said that to her.

--
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A House Full of Extremely Lame Horses

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel 5×7

Shirley: Oh, she wants a place to throw a party for those sad, lonely women who pay her for a husband. May I just say, thank God we didn't have a girl.
Moishe: We sure dodged a bullet there, boy.

Zelda: The pilot's out.
Rose: What? Miriam, the pilot's out! Abe, the pilot's out!
Zelda: It's fine. Easy to fix.
Rose: Miriam, it's easy to fix! Abe, Zelda's here! She says it's easy to fix!
Midge: What?!
Rose: Zelda's gonna fix the stove.
Midge: Well, what's wrong with the stove?!
Zelda: The pilot light is out, Mr. Weissman.
Abe: Zelda? What are you doing here?
Rose: She's fixing the stove.
Abe: Oh. Okay.

Zelda: So, like I showed you last time, all you have to do is light a match, see? Then you hold it here, turn the knob, and then it's lit.
Rose: My goodness. So complicated.
Zelda: Not complicated at all. I showed you before many, many times. Did you look in the book?
Rose: The book?
Zelda: The book I made you, remember? All labeled, and there's pictures... See, right here under "No flame in stove for tea" is "How to fix no flame in stove for tea." Very easy. A picture of teacup and everything.
Rose: Yes, well, luckily it's working now.
Zelda: Maybe you could try for next time?
Rose: Oh, please, if I did that, I'd blow the entire building up.
Midge: Did she fix it yet?
Rose: She did. She's a genius.
Midge: Shoot, I wanted to see her do it. For next time.
Zelda: It's all in the book I made you.
Midge: Where'd that come from?
Rose: I have no idea.
Zelda: It comes from me! I made the book!
Midge: Oh, look, it has pictures. Fun.

Abe: I was a tenured professor at Columbia University. I worked at Bell Labs. I have 12 patents pending. That is my grandson. He's a Weissman. There is no possible way he's happy.

Danny Stevens: ... Finally, my parents get to Ellis Island where they were immediately quarantined for two months.
Gordon Ford: Why?
Danny Stevens: They were sick. They had everything. Typhoid, pneumonia, malaria. They were so sick, the immigration agent changed their name to... I can't go by that name in show business. Too Jewish. Finally get out, move to a tenement on Delancey, and proceed to have nine children.
Gordon Ford: Ooh.
Danny Stevens: Because, as my mother said, "Even if you can't afford the movies, Saturday night is still going to happen. You got to do something."

Danny Stevens: Gordon, this woman here is like a brave explorer, daring to find what no one has found before. A bit that works.
Midge: I think you're exaggerating.
Danny Stevens: You're Amerigo Vespucci, Sir Walter Raleigh, Amelia Earhart... if she'd made it.

Abe: They give every child in his school an aptitude test at the beginning of the year.
Midge: Oh, how'd he do?
Abe: He failed! They say he has the potential for nothing but happiness.
Midge: Is that bad?
Abe: Ethan is a first-born Weissman male. A first-born Weissman male is expected to excel. They are not expected to be happy.
Midge: I'm sorry, just because he's happy doesn't mean he won't excel.
Abe: Of course it does! Not one person who has ever accomplished anything of worth in life has ever been happy.
Midge: That can't be true.
Abe: Name me one cheerful man of science. One sunny artist of worth. One giddy Founding Father.
Midge: Benjamin Franklin. Didn't he get laid a lot?
Abe: Yes, he did, but given all his great accomplishments, I guarantee you, he didn't enjoy it.

Mike: You're getting a raise. ..... You didn't know?
Midge: I didn't know.
Mike: It's a big one, too. You'll be making as much as the men.
Midge: Jiminy Crickets! ..... Well, this is very serious. I mean, if this gets out, every working woman will want to get paid just as much as a man to do the exact same job, and our entire civilization will collapse.
Mike: Exactly!

--
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The Testi-Roastial

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel 5×6

Stewart Jones: Her big break came...
Susie: Bring me some food.
Stewart Jones: ... when she discovered the comedian whose name we shall not utter tonight at the long-defunct Gaslight Café on MacDougal.

Aaron Lebowitz: Susie's like anybody else, really. She has her bad side and her good side. There's the ruthlessness, the vindictiveness, the profane bile that spews from her mouth like Satan's lava. Then, on the bad side...

Mike: So, who is Susie Myerson? She's the only person in America whose life was made better by Arthur 2. She's the only woman who ever told Tom Cruise that he's "unfuckably short." And she's the only person I know who would get into a screaming fight with Sidney Lumet at Anne Bancroft's birthday party. Susie and I met on Gordon Ford...

Susie: These douchebags that never open letters, but they all have letter openers. I truly despise that.

Midge: It's not him. Philip is great. He really is, but there's love and then there's love, you know. And then there's love. And I don't have that right kind of love-love for him, you know? I am gonna beat you with a pineapple.

Midge: Who owns you now, Susie, today?

Midge: This is how I'm gonna remember you, Susie. Small.

Susie: Wow. Over 30 years in the business, and this is who shows up to celebrate me. It's a real who's who of who gives a fuck. I mean, I haven't been this uninterested in what a group of people had to say since that time I went to an AA meeting.

--
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The Pirate Queen

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel 5×5

Rose: Abe, are we losing Zelda?
Abe: "Never having to work another day" is pretty cut-and-dry. We're work.
Rose: We're not just work, we're family!
Abe: This is how she tells us?
Rose: And what did he mean, "without burden"? Have we been a burden to Zelda all these years?

Rose: Apparently our Zelda thinks we're a burden, that includes you.
Midge: What? No, it doesn't.
Abe: Most of her day is spent taking care of your children.
Midge: Yes, she loves them. They're like family.
Abe: Are you sure about that?
Midge: My children are not the burden. He was talking about you guys.
Abe: Either way, you're losing your childcare.
Midge: ... Oh.

Abe: Excuse me, guys, Father Piotr, but is it too late to make an objection?

Abe: Excuse me, guys, Father Piotr, but is it too late to make an objection?
Rose: Well, not an objection, per se.
Abe: A r-request for clarification, really. I'm just wondering, when you say the bride will "finally enjoy" her life, uh, when exactly will she start enjoying it? Are we thinking end of the year? Through the summer?

Zelda: You just find the dirty spot on the carpet, and you push forward, then you pull back. You push forward, then pull back.
Rose: For how long?
Zelda: Till the dirt is gone.
Rose: How will I know?
Abe: Rose, stop monopolizing her. Now, Zelda, can you please explain the exact mechanicals of the suction function?
Zelda: No!
Abe: And what do we do when it's full... buy a new one?
Zelda: You empty it, Mr. Weissman.

Dinah: So, what now?
Susie: Mm. We wait. Then we throw up. And then we wait.

Midge: Well... I was arrested by the coast guard.
Susie: They can arrest people? Are we free anywhere in this country?

Midge: Since the guy's wallet was in his jacket and there was money in his wallet and on a boat, money is considered treasure... I technically committed an act of piracy.
Susie: Fuck me. You're a pirate?

James Howard: Susie, can I ask you one question?
Susie: Shoot.
James Howard: What are you gonna wear when I take you to the Oscars?
Susie: Oh, I'll be ready for you.

Midge: If I'm sleeping with you, when I get on the show... I'll never really know if I got on because I deserved it or if I got on because I'm sleeping with you.

--
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Susan

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel 5×4

Frank: We need a favor...

Frank: Susie, this is me asking you for a favor. You understand "favor"?
Susie: Yeah, I understand "favor."
Frank: See, in a relationship like ours, based partly on mutual respect and partly on the fact that I did a lot of fucking favors for you... The office...
Nicky: The furniture.
Frank: ...the not killing you that time.
Susie: That was a good favor.
Frank: But, see, this, when we come to you, hat in hand, asking for a favor, this is how you reciprocate. This is how payback works.
Susie: So, I do this, it's payback?
Frank: It is, and very nice of you.
Susie: And this counts as payback.
Frank: Definitely counts.

Susie: Can you stop your brain for one second and take in all the information before you speak?

Midge: And what is this thing, again?
Susie: Oh, the thing I saw was cute. Oh, they had tulips dancing around. Girly shit. You love girly shit.
Midge: And what about my day job?
Susie: Tell 'em you're sick. Lady troubles.
Midge: I am not telling them I have lady troubles.
Susie: It's a great excuse. It could mean anything, and I can guarantee you not one guy is gonna ask you to clarify.

Susie: So, uh, tits up, if you got tits in there.

Midge: People think happiness is such a difficult thing to attain, when in reality it all comes down to the little things in life: family, friends, smiles and private demolition and waste management. The truth is right in front of your face, or on the sole of your shoe.

Gabe: But seriously, Abe, you liked this play tonight?
Abe: I did. I thought his contemplation on God and religion, the parallels between marriage and death and madness... Though a little heavy-handed... Was extremely thoughtful.
Rose: My goodness. When did all of that happen?
Abe: That's what the play was about.
Rose: Really? I thought it was about a little boy who loses his dog. ...
Abe: No, that was just a device he used to talk about the man's confusion with his sexuality and his tortured relationship with Jesus.
Rose: When did they mention Jesus?
Abe: They didn't have to mention it. Jesus was all over the place... His wife's name was Mary. He wore sandals, the wine...

Abe: That wasn't what the play was about at all, Rose. But I agree with you about the dog.
Rose: They never mention Jesus or his confusion with his sexuality.
Abe: They don't have to mention it.
Rose: Well, it would certainly help. Anyhow, that's not the play I saw.
Abe: Art is there for your interpretation, Rose.
Rose: No, it's not. You don't just decide the story is whatever you want it to be.
Abe: I didn't decide anything.
Rose: I watched a boy and his dog who died.
Abe: But it wasn't about that.
Rose: How do you know?
Abe: I am a theater critic. I'm paid to know. It's fine if you didn't get it. It's not Guys and Dolls...

Rose: Is it possible, Abe, that you're wrong? That the play tonight was not actually a deep meditation on Jesus and latent homosexuality but instead a sweet, simple play about a boy who lost his dog?
Abe: No.
Rose: It's not possible? Under any circumstances?
Abe: No, Rose, and I don't know why you're getting so upset over this.
Rose: Because you're calling me an idiot.
Abe: I am not calling you an idiot. I simply said you don't understand the play, at all. That's fine.
Rose: Because I'm an idiot.
Gabe: Retreat, retreat, retreat.
Abe: Rose, just because you can't grasp a complex thematic piece like this is not some reflection on your intelligence. I don't understand anything that you do. Does that make me an idiot?

Midge: I just had a bad day, that's all.
Joel: Why? Problems at work?
Midge: Well...
Esther: Ah! Too much talking!
Midge: Boy, are you in the wrong family, kid.

Midge: Just... some days are harder than others, you know?

--
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Typos and Torsos

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel 5×3

Midge: They act like they've never seen a Jewish mother before.
Ethan: Well, it's Israel, Mama. Helicopters suddenly appearing in the sky make people very nervous.
Midge: Who's gonna invade a lettuce farm... Health-conscious anti-Semites who want a salad?

Midge: Ethan, walk Mommy to her helicopter?

Joel: It's weak to go to a therapist.
Midge: Yes, your opinion has been stated, loud and clear.
Joel: And don't you dare talk about any of this in your act!

Midge: Anything wrong, Papa?
Abe: I spelled Carol Channing's name wrong.
Midge: Oh. How did you spell it?
Abe: Wrong! Does it matter? I did it and the paper had to issue a correction. A correction for everyone to read.
Midge: Does anyone really read corrections?
Abe: Of course they do! I start every paper reading the corrections. That's how you know who the idiots are.

Rose: Susie, you're the angriest person I know.
Susie: All right.
Rose: And you associate with angry people. There's always a frightening, terrible energy coming from you.
Susie: Where you going with this, Rose?
Rose: Well, I was wondering if you could help me get a gun.

Archie: Remember when we opened the club, how we discussed exactly what we wanted it to be?
Joel: Yes.
Archie: Good music, hip clientele?
Joel: Yes, I remember.
Archie: Especially the hip clientele. We felt very strongly that a certain element would, say, dampen the festive atmosphere of the place?
Joel: Shit, the Mormons came back?
Archie: Oh, I wish...
Shirley: Some people say you don't salt your veal till the very end, but what are they waiting for? The roof could cave in. Outer-space men could land in your backyard, zap you right in the tuchus, then you're dead with unsalted veal.

Abe: There are wars, floods, sometimes tigers escape from the zoo. Lightning can strike you, even on a sunny day. You could eat bad clams and be evacuating from every orifice in your body for a week.
Ethan: But I hate clams.
Abe: Hating clams won't keep you safe, Ethan. Y-You could fall down a well that you never knew was there. Go flying through a windshield when your daddy stops too fast. You could accidentally spell Carol Channing's name wrong and instantly become a man who must be apologized for... in print.

Abe: It's time you learn to live with fear. To accept it's there, and there is not enough tape in the world to keep you safe. And though your mommy and your daddy and possibly even your therapist mean well by making you think that sleeping on the floor is a mark of being a big brave boy, your grandpa is here to tell you death comes for all of us, even the brave. Now, would you like me to read you a bedtime story?

--
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It's a Man, Man, Man, Man World

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel 5×2

Midge: Okay, so, I thought I'd picked out the perfect first day outfit for Gordon Ford. I mean, I spent hours thinking about it, sorting through multiple color combinations, but around 5:00 this morning, something struck me.
Susie: Was it a blunt object?

Susie: So, to review, you called me at four-fucking-fifty-fucking-six in the morning, after hours of thought and excessive consideration about color combinations, because you suddenly realized that this job would involve sitting?

George Toledano: I know it's disappointing, gang, but ours is not to reason why, ours is but to write new jokes or die.

Gabe: Abe, you okay?
Abe: I've got a question, and be honest because I don't know all the intricacies of New York theater customs...
Gabe: Okay.
Abe: Is this sexual?...
Gabe: So many thoughts running through my mind right now, Abe.

Abe: I don't get it. It was lunch.
Gabe: So?
Abe: Nothing sexual happens before 7:00 in the evening, 6:30 at the earliest. Never at 1:42 in the afternoon on a Monday.
Gabe: I am learning a lot about you today...

Rose: Abe. What is this?
Abe: A fondly intentioned sexualized gesture.
Rose: Oh... Well, it is past 7:00. Am I supposed to do something in return?
Abe: I think it's optional.
Rose: Okay.

--
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Go Forward

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel 5×1

Susie: Ugh, Zelda, what smells like donkey balls?
Zelda: Special Polish fish head soup. It wards off evil spirits. Makes your hair shiny, too.
Susie: Okay. Well, when you are done driving down the neighbors' property values, make some coffee, strong coffee.

Susie: That thing is a goner. It's like she was in a war, an old one. ... You know, I can't unsee that toe now, Rose. You understand that? I may never fucking close my eyes again.

Susie: Listen to me, tomorrow this will all be a funny bit you can use in your act.

Astrid: Wait, Shirley, did you just say you potty train a baby by dangling them over a stove?
Shirley: It warms their tush, that reminds them of what their tush is for. I got Joely trained in an hour and a half.

Joel: You and Ma have to work this out.
Moishe: Not gonna happen, Joely. We tried. We talked.
Shirley: And then Moishe said something to me that I never thought I would ever hear my husband say, and he can't unsay it.
Moishe: And in response Shirley said something to me I never thought another human being, let alone my wife of 34 years, would say to me, and she can't unsay it.

Midge: It's easy to see a diamond once it's in the window at Tiffany's. It's a little harder when it's throwing up in a bucket in your office. Susie is one of a kind. You'll never find another Susie. You just remember that.

Gordon Ford: Want to come write for me?
Midge: I'm sorry?
Gordon Ford: Susie Myerson and Associates here has been talking you up. Says you could be my woman. Writers' room-wise.

--
On the IMDb
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How Do You Get to Carnegie Hall?

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel 4×8

Joel: I killed him. I killed my father.
Midge: Joel, no.
Joel: Yes. Yes, I'm like that guy, uh... Who was it?
Midge: Who was who?
Joel: The guy in the Bible that killed his father.
Midge: I don't know. Uh, Abraham?
Joel: No. He was the one who almost killed his son.
Midge: Absalom?
Joel: No. It didn't start with an "A." Uh, Oedipus?
Midge: That's not the Bible.
Joel: But he killed his father.
Midge: And married his mother.
Joel: Well, other than that, I'm that guy.

Midge: What did you say?
Joel: I was nervous, so I-I just blurted shit out, and I think I kind of mushed "Chinese" and "pregnant" together. I should've let one sink in, then hit him with the other.

Imogene: I had nothing to do with this, so I'll just be the person who pats people's arms.

Shirley: What are you gonna do if Rose goes first?
Abe: What? Oh, no. I-I'm definitely going first.
Shirley: I think God is a cruel god. Don't you?
Abe: Well, I actually think God is more of a brilliant marketing ploy.
Shirley: It's cruel that people know they're going to die. It's like someone telling you the end of a movie before you've seen it. I mean, how much fun is it sitting through Casablanca if you already know Ingrid Bergman isn't ending up with Humphrey Bogart? No tap dancing, no dwarves. One song, and Bogart walks off with the guy who hangs out with Nazis.
Abe: It is a very overrated movie.

Shirley: Anyhow, before we got him back, when my grandmother thought he was gone for good, she said, "He's lucky. He died with all his teeth." That's the best you can hope for in life, that you die with all your teeth.

Abe: "What's he known for?" he kept saying. "What's he known for?" As if a-a man's life is measured by how many people have heard of him? Mickey Mouse, a known anti-Semite, can get an obituary in The New York Times, but Moishe Maisel cannot?!

Midge: It's hard seeing the men in your life scared. And with the men out of commission, the women are left to keep things going. Now, this is not totally unusual, right? I mean, women could be bleeding from the head, and they'd host a dinner party if the invitations were already sent out. But we never think about it like that. We just assume we're supporting the real leaders.

Midge: Are women more important than God?... Hmm. What if we discover one day that we were always the ones in charge? Just, no one told us.

Lenny Bruce: It's always the pretty ones who try to kill you.

Abe: ..... Uh, well, after the 13 Jews, I-I do a long run about whether or not God exists.

Moishe: He does.
Abe: Well, that's been the debate.
Moishe: There's no debate. He does.
Abe: Okay, I know you feel like that, but...
Moishe: Abe, I'm lying in a hospital bed. Give me this.
Abe: God exists. For now. .....

Abe: You... were a very good man. And I... I miss you very much. But you're not dead, so...

Moishe: You love her. You're going to marry her, have a family, another grandchild. That's a mitzvah. That, we celebrate.
Joel: Thank you, Pop.
Moishe: However, she has to be Jewish by the time you tell your mother.
Joel: What?!
Moishe: It's easy. She meets a rabbi, reads a book, takes a bath.
Joel: Pop.
Moishe: I'm getting very weak, Joel. Try not to upset me.

Midge: Lenny. Little tip: the nicer the lady looks, the worse her shoes are.

Lenny Bruce: I'm not the stand-up messiah. This is what I want. This is what I have worked for. Don't you want this? Don't you want to be here? Don't you want to know a thousand mental patients braved a fucking snowstorm to see you? That should be the goal.
Midge: How do you know it's not?
Lenny Bruce: Because you're not gonna get here hiding yourself away in a club that technically doesn't exist.
Midge: I'm not hiding.
Lenny Bruce: You sure as fuck are hiding. So what you got dumped by Baldwin? Who gives a shit? Go get another gig. And another and another.
Midge: So I'm just supposed to get fired from one job after another?
Lenny Bruce: Yes! If that's what it takes.

Lenny Bruce: Listen to me. I have made a lot of mistakes and I am gonna keep making a lot of mistakes, but one thing is crystal clear in my mind and it's what the endgame is.

--
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Ethan... Esther... Chaim

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel 4×7

Gitta: Good morning, sir. Are you enjoying your day?
Abe: Very much. Thank you.
Gitta: And there's more days you'd like to enjoy?
Abe: I beg your pardon?
Gitta: I insist on feeding my family. So when my livelihood is threatened, I threaten back.
Abe: That's understandable.
Gitta: There's a line in the Torah: "fuck with me and you die." Have a think on this.

Molly: Oh, do you have a moment? I'd like to discuss matchmaking.
Abe: Oh. Sure. It's got quite the lively history. The first matches date back to 14th century China. They dipped pine sticks in sulfur...
Molly: I meant the kind your bony wife is engaged in.
Abe: My...
Molly: You're Abe Weissman, aren't you? Husband of Rose, father to Miriam, grandfather to Ethan, Esther and Chaim...

Abe: Oh, you know, I have nothing to do with what my wife does.
Molly: But you have influence. You're the man, aren't you?
Abe: I suppose.
Molly: Unless we take your manhood from you.

Rose: Your coat is ripped. Did they hurt you?
Abe: No. But I was afraid they would follow me from the store, so I did everything I could to shake them. I serpentined my way through streets, ran into random shops, dove between cars.
Rose: Oh, my God!
Abe: Then I...
Rose: Abe?
Abe: I...
Rose: You what?
Abe: I ducked into a Catholic church, thinking sanctuary, at least from the Irish one. I thought it would be empty, but they were in the middle of mass. The only sound in the room was this windy pipe organ. There was a long line of people headed up the aisle, so I joined it. I had no idea what it was for. I just moved along with it. Blend in... that was the strategy. When I got to the front, everyone was kneeling. So I knelt, too. That's when I saw him. He was holding this silver cup. And in order not to look suspicious...
Rose: Abe, you didn't.
Abe: I took communion.
Rose: Oh, my God!
Abe: I think the priest was suspicious. Especially when he said, "The body of Christ" and I answered, "Mazel tov."
Rose: My head is spinning.
Abe: So, there I was, with a mouthful of Christ, wondering what the hell to do. I left immediately and took it out. And now... what do I do with it?
Rose: Wrap it up in something. Set it aside. We've got bigger worries.

Midge: You dress yourself completely on the top, then do the bottom?
Susie: Yes.
Midge: And not, like, start with underwear on top and bottom and then move on to outerwear?
Susie: No.

Midge: This again?
Rose: Yes, this again. What you do affects me. And your father, everyone around you. We're connected, Miriam. Now tell me what I said in there!
Abe: First of all, it's more than every couple of months!

Midge: So, lunch tomorrow, Dinah told me 1:30, but is that what time lunch is, or is that an hour before the actual lunch because she figures I'll be an hour late?
Susie: Well, if she thinks you'll be an hour late, that means we're meeting at 2:30. And she told me 12:45. And she knows I won't be more than 15 minutes late 'cause I'm coming from the Upper East Side, so that doesn't make sense.
Midge: And I know she schedules these things around my being late, so I'm already adjusting to that, so is she adjusting to my adjustment?

Midge: And I'll have a little something for you, too. Susie: A little something? What little something?
Midge: Besides a cupcake that Ethel Kennedy touched, which makes it special, I'm bringing your cut of the gig.
Susie: What gig?
Midge: A gig. I picked up a gig.
Susie: I didn't get you a gig.
Midge: Well, it was just a money gig I did. It falls into the money category. I'm all dolled up.
Susie: Okay, I have to go, but tomorrow I'll be very interested in hearing about what this gig was that you did that I didn't book for you.

--
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Maisel vs. Lennon: The Cut Contest

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel 4×6

Lenny Bruce: We're comics. Creatures of the night. We discuss debauchery and pornography. We make jokes about dictators coming over for dinner. Ten minutes on how Stalin likes his steak. We don't wear aprons and discuss potty training.

Rose: Miriam, guess what. I have been invited to the Small Business Women's Council annual luncheon in Brighton Beach.
Midge: Really?
Rose: That's right. Your mother's now officially known as a small businesswoman. No, wait. A small women's business. No, I'm the owner of a business, and it's small, and I'm a woman, so... Well, I'm getting a free lunch.

Midge: Why? Why? Because I hate you. Hate! With the burning hate of a thousand suns. It's a lot of hate, Sophie. It starts here, boils here, brews here. It is a seething, writhing, lava-spewing volcano of hate. I really hate you.

--
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How to Chew Quietly and Influence People

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel 4×5

Midge: It's been weeks. You have to stop fighting.
Abe: Who's fighting? I'm simply recalibrating my entire relationship with your mother based on information she previously chose to keep secret for 35 years.

Solomon Melamid: Horses are easy. You throw them together, a little noise, maybe a stall door needs repairing, and that's that. If only it were as simple with daughters...

Solomon Melamid: I need to be able to bring my daughters' husbands into the family business. They can't be idiots, or obvious idiots.
Rose: Well, Mr. Melamid, I assure you I can find some very nice men who are not obviously idiots and will make Norma and Lorraine very happy.
Solomon Melamid: Oh, yes. Happy, that would be good, too. Not a deal breaker, but a nice bonus... Mrs. Weissman, I am appointing you director of the nearly bankrupt division of Melamid Industries known as my daughters' marital prospects.

Susie: You're late.
Sophie Lennon: It's my chauffeur. He fired himself. I had to take a cab.
Susie: Okay, so...
Sophie Lennon: Did you hear what I said? A taxicab. Susie... I'm exhausted. I had to hail it myself. I had to put my arm up in the air, I had to leave it there until the cab pulled over. I had to open my own door. I had to duck down...

Susie: Let me see your eyes. Well, at least they're spinning in the same direction. Did you take your meds, or stop taking them, whichever makes you less nuts?
Sophie Lennon: Yes, both.

Susie: These are delicious.
Midge: What are they?
Susie: I don't even know. A little ball of something that teaches you what pleasure is even if you've been half-dead your whole fucking life.

Moishe: You know that the key to a great relationship with your employees is respect. In order for them to be productive, they got to think you trust them unconditionally.
Joel: Absolutely.
Moishe: But every one of them's a thief, so don't trust a single one.

Moishe: You like her. That's all I know. That's all I need to know. But keep in mind your mother is very excited about Rachel-Rebecca-Ruth, and when she gets excited about something and that something disappoints her, our house gets very small and loud.

Rose: I'll get it.
Abe: But you'll miss the show... There should be a way to pause this. Like, you have a separate box recording the picture and sound simultaneously. It should be able to rewind, too.

--
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Interesting People on Christopher Street

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel 4×4

Midge: We always talk about me and my relationships. What about you? I haven't seen you with anybody since we've been together.
Susie: So?
Midge: Just curious about your life.
Susie: My life is you. That's it. Thinking about you. Talking about you. Waiting for you, rescuing you from bullshit dates. I don't have time for anything else.

Susie: Maybe I've been hanging out with you for too long, but I actually do think you wore the wrong hat.

Mei: You don't have bowls? Don't you eat soup?
Joel: I don't trust soup. It tells you it's food, but you eat it, and you're never full. Feels like a scam.

Joel: Look, I know my parents. You being Chinese... Yes, it will be a surprise. But trust me, it will not be their biggest problem.
Mei: No?
Joel: You not being Jewish, that's gonna wake the neighbors.
Mei: Right. They don't want you with a gentile. And a Chinese girl is like a double gentile. Triple gentile! More!

Midge: You-you had an intermission?
Rose: We broke up for a while.
Midge: You did?
Abe: I made a young man's mistake and told your mother I couldn't see her because I needed to focus on my PhD.

Frank: Try to look beyond the dirt. It's got nice northern exposure, a classic view.
Nicky: Nine subway lines right below us, so the commute's easy from anywhere.
Frank: Good people on this floor, too. When they see something, they don't talk.

Asher: Goodbye, Abe. Last word of advice, writer to writer. You over-use "quite," and "thusly" is a stupid word. Fuck you, don't call me again. And please throw out that weird chalk of yours.

--
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Everything is Bellmore

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel 4×3

Midge: We confused them.
Boise: Look, as long as some girl's out there shaking her chichis, those guys don't care how the fuck they're dressed.
Midge: I disagree. With Sapphira the Harem Girl, they're anticipating sultry, mysterious chichis, not the bippity-boppity chichis of the Roaring '20s girl.
Boise: Look, no one's confused 'cause no one's hardly listening to you.
Midge: I take offense at that.
Boise: You all do.

Midge: Maybe we should have a safety meeting. In the Catskills, I was frequently voted safety monitor for various activities: water sports, backpacking. We were hiking once, and the rabbi thought for sure he got bit by a snake. I sucked on that man till he almost passed out. On his ankle, that is. Turned out to just be a couple of mosquito bites, but people sure got a laugh out of it.

Midge: Does this necklace work?
Rose: If you have to ask...
Midge: Changing the necklace.

Midge: Guys, it's rock paper scissors. Each thing beats something else. It's a kid's game for God's sake.
Rose: But what if I chose heat? Heat would melt the scissors.
Abe: And burn the paper.
Rose: So heat would beat everything but rock.
Midge: Heat is not an option.
Abe: Water would rust the scissors and ruin the paper.
Rose: Are the scissors brass or steel?
Midge: How about we just flip a coin, hmm?

Rose: I promise you, Amelia, we will find you the perfect mate.
Amelia: You think so?
Rose: I do. I really do.
Amelia: Because every time I meet a man, I never know what to say.
Rose: It doesn't matter what you say. The man's not listening to you anyhow.

Susie: What's this?
Rose: I ordered it for you.
Susie: For me? The whole thing?
Rose: Yes.
Susie: And it's just whipped cream?
Rose: And a spoon.
Susie: And I can just eat it? It doesn't have to go on anything?
Rose: That's right.
Susie: Rose Weissman, I would follow you into hell.
Rose: That won't be necessary.

Susie: Uh, hi. Guess I'm Susie.

Rabbi Huebsche: What's more important, Abraham, your public or your people?
Pauly: Yeah! We escaped the jaws of Hitler for this?

Abe: There is something you all need to know going forward. You are the frog. I am the scorpion. I sting because it is my nature... Damn, I wish I had my cape!

Susie: To Jackie. A man who didn't suffer fools gladly and thought everyone was a fool. A man whose love of ocarinas summed up his total lack of musical taste. A man who borrowed ten bucks from me the day before he died, because somehow he knew. A man who knew how to drive me crazier than any person in this fucking world, except you. A man who was... my friend. To Jackie.
Midge: To Jackie.

--
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Billy Jones and the Orgy Lamps

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel 4×2

Midge: Who says it has to be arranged exactly the way Joel and I had it even though it made sense. Joel and I made sense, and we all know how that ended up.

Midge: I want to walk into this bedroom and feel like this is my bedroom. I don't want to feel like this is where Joel and I kind of often... you know.

Abe: You never should have bought this place back, Miriam. I mean, what man is going to want a woman who owns her own apartment?
Rose: He does have a point there. It does make you less feminine.

Midge: So I did all of this for you, and you want to tell the whole world that you did it for me? That's not right. Abe: I didn't realize this was a contest. Midge: It's not. Abe: I thought this was just an altruistic thing you were doing for us.
Rose: Then we're agreed.
Midge: It is. On what?
Rose: That you're moving in here with us. Right, Abe?.. It's done.

Susie: I got ten Broadway investors threatening to sue me.
Harry Drake: Oh, piss in a pot. What week am I not being sued? Look, this is the most goddamn litigious business in the most goddamn litigious city in the most goddamn litigious country in the world. It's America.

Susie: Where you going?
Midge: To grab a hat.
Susie: No, don't, 'cause it won't be just a hat.
Midge: Yes, it will.
Susie: Do not change your wardrobe. It's fine!
Midge: Just a hat!
Susie: It's never just a hat!

Joel: I am not gonna date a pregnant woman.
Shirley: Oh, God, no, there is no time to date.
Joel: I'll tell her I'm sick. And that you're nuts.
Shirley: Joel, you're a divorced man with two young children. You own a nightclub in Chinatown, which is impossible to explain. You can hardly afford to be choosy.

Abe: You know what the irony is about this whole thing?
Midge: Mm.
Abe: The job. It's great. I mean... it's really great. I like these people. They're different. Smart but... looser. And it's the funniest thing.
Midge: Yeah?
Abe: They seem to like me.

Midge: Okay, Papa, I know this is a shock, but look at it this way. You are doing something that you love... The both of us. Pursuing our art. Although one of us pursuing banking would've been smart.

--
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Rumble on the Wonder Wheel

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel 4×1

Midge: Revenge... You know how there are times in your life when things seem to be going great? And then suddenly, out of nowhere, you round the corner, and bam, someone steps in and fucks it the fuck up? And you never saw it coming because you were too busy being happy. And I know, that's life. Shit happens. You should be a bigger man and just let it go. Well, I'm a woman, so fuck that. I want my fucking pound of flesh. I want my revenge.

Midge: I'm talking real revenge, not the "Hey, I got you a lifetime subscription to The Watchtower" kind of revenge, but Shakespearean, blood-soaked, painful, soul-crushing revenge. I will dig out my high school clarinet and play klezmer music next door to you 24 hours a day. I will sneak into your basement, and I will fry fish. I will befriend your only daughter, and I will introduce her to a poet, and I will sit at their wedding and I will laugh. I'm talking Medea-level revenge.

Susie: ... and then you would've bombed in Prague.
Midge: What? Why?
Susie: Those people don't laugh.
Midge: I could've made Prague people laugh.
Susie: You've never been to Prague. What the fuck would you talk about?
Midge: I'd find something. "Hello, Prague. Remember Jews?"

Mei: They just assumed your club would fail.
Joel: Why?
Mei: 'Cause you're a Jewish ex-plastics salesman who suddenly opened a club in Chinatown with an English to Chinese dictionary from the 1800s.

Abe: You know, when I was a boy, I had a sock. That was my toy. Stuck my hand in it and said, "Where did my fingers go?" That was the game. The end... And nobody cares.

Tess: Susie, I'm not really good at reading certain situations, but this seems a little...
Susie: Fucked-up.

Mr. Bartosiewicz: I didn't mean to scare you.
Susie: Oh, we're not scared. We love secret rooms with no handles on the door.

Midge: You know what's great about me?
Susie: Your humility?
Midge: No. It's when I'm me. So, why would I wait until I finally have enough power to say to them, "I want to be me"? What if they never let me be me?
Susie: They will.
Midge: I want to be me every time I walk out on that stage.

Midge: I will only do gigs where I can say what I want.
Susie: Midge...
Midge: That's what Lenny would do.
Susie: That's different. He's Lenny Bruce.
Midge: Well, then make me Lenny Bruce. Make me a headliner.
Susie: How am I supposed to do that if I can't even book you?
Midge: I don't know. You're my manager. Manage me.

--
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A Jewish Girl Walks Into the Apollo...

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel 3×8

Joel: It might be time to get serious about trying, though. I mean really trying. I could stay home from work all next week and try a lot. Every ten to 15 minutes if you want.
Midge: Talk about chutzpah...
Joel: And we will try till we get it right. And I am nothing if not a perfectionist.

Joel: Where are you in the fall? Let me see... Dusseldorf, Frankfurt, Zurich, Stockholm.

Midge: Joel, our children cannot go to school in Queens!
Joel: Why?
Midge: Because... Queens.

Abe: What, Moishe?
Moishe: Oh, nothing. I know you said the written word can change the world. Well, I just looked outside, and so far, it's exactly the same.

Moishe: [my father] was convinced goats were the future. We lived in a tenement on Rivington... 12 people, two rooms... and yet this man wanted goats. He pushed a cart. He sold pickles. But he wanted goats... In the end, the man dies out on a sidewalk, pickle in his hand, nothing in his pocket. No goats.

Rose: Is there a point, Moishe? ...
Moishe: Sometimes what you want, what you get... two very different things. Don't worry, though. I am on the lookout. The minute I see that the world is changing, you'll be the first to know. But for now, your goat is a pickle.

Abe: I've made a decision, Rose. I am going to tutor.
Rose: Tutor what?
Abe: Idiots. The city's teeming with them. Toss a rock, hit an idiot. I'll tutor, I'll coach, I'll substitute teach. Anything. This stops now.

Moishe: It's 7:39 in the evening, and the world is still exactly the same!

Joel: I missed you.
Mei: Well, remember that next time you're an idiot.

Midge: So, you're the girlfriend...
Mei: And you're the wife... I'm going to be a doctor.
Midge: I'm gonna play the Apollo.

Midge: It's so hard to raise kids when you're married. It's really hard to raise kids when you're divorced. But it's not that hard to raise them when their dad's a great guy... But, Joel, there's no fucking way our kids are going to school in Queens! I'll burn this fucking place to the ground!

Midge: Have a great time, everybody. And drink up. All proceeds go to Collegiate!

Susie: It's just the beginning, pal. You'll see. There is no one like her in the world. She's like my dirty, sparkly, good fucking fairy.
Reggie: Uh-oh. You really believe in this girl.
Susie: Aren't I supposed to?
Reggie: Smells like trouble.
Susie: Why?
Reggie: Just means you can't be objective.
Susie: Oh, believe me, I can be objective. I know when she sucks. I know when she's an asshole, or dressed like a mental patient. She's incredibly high maintenance. ... She's always late. You got to feed her every two hours like a fucking parking meter.

---

Reggie: It's a strange job, managing another person's career... You think you're so important, and then suddenly, you're running around Utah looking for the kind of toothpaste Shy likes.

Reggie: It's nice when they shine. You get to share in that, shine a little yourself. But then when they do bad things, and then you do bad things...
Susie: What bad things?
Reggie: Things you don't want to do. But you have to... You hate it. You do it. And then you get paid.

Reggie: Nothing beats fear when it comes to gambling.

Rose: Miriam doesn't have to be the last girl for you. I was right once. I can be right again.

Rose: Don't wait too long to be happy.

Rose: What on earth?.. What happened to you?!
Abe: The most wonderful thing.
Rose: Wonderful? Your nose is bleeding!
Abe: A man threw a tomato at me.

Abe: Moishe was wrong. His father should have opened that goat farm. And the written word... it's going to change the world!

Abe: Here we go, Rosie... Moishe! Buy a goat! The world is changing!

Susie: I'm only gonna say this once, so pay attention... thank you!

Susie: You're gonna be great.
Midge: There is no other option.
Susie: You bet your ass. Tits up?
Midge: Tits up.

Marcus: It's not right. Who the hell is this little white girl anyhow?
Moms Mabley: Oh, Marcus, you back off now. That audience out there is gonna give her a tough enough time without you in her face... It was nice meeting you, Mrs. Maisel. Welcome to the Apollo.

Midge: Mmm. Unbelievable. Fried in oil? Ah.
— Lard!
Midge: You ever use schmaltz? Same heart attack, different afterlife. Mmm.

Susie: It's okay. We're gonna be okay.

--
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Marvelous Radio

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel 3×7

Midge: I'm coming, Susie, I'm coming!

Shirley: Susie? Who would name a boy Susie?

Midge: "Paramus Ford has the best deals in town. They're so good that even I can understand the savings... and I'm a woman!"
Dickie: Perfecto. Next.
Midge: "With its natural mildness and gorgeous aftertaste, more expectant mothers prefer Pall Mall cigarettes over any other brand".
Susie: Can they prove that?
Dickie: No idea. Next.
Midge: "Run to buy hosiery that never runs, at B. Altman's nylon sale. Ends Thursday". I used to work at B. Altman!
Dickie: Don't care. Next.

Dickie: Sign here... Got another housewife spot at 12:30, you interested?
Susie: We'll take it... Five bucks, we can retire now.

Midge: "...Ladies, stay fit and trim the easy way, with amphetamines, the pleasantest way to reduce".

Susie: This week we're on par to make about what we made last week, 35 bucks or so.
recording studio Dickie:

Moishe: Well, it's a masterpiece!
Abe: I'm sure it's a piece of something.

Abe: I don't need your money because I just completed my Abe and Rose "End of Days" calculations... It's quite simple: I've added up our projected pension and social security payments, matched them to our expenses, adjusted for inflation, and calculated the numbers of years your mother and I get to live.
Midge: Get to live?
Abe: For me, it's the age of 67.
Midge: But you're 62, so...
Abe: I have to die in five years.

Abe: ... Either which way, I need to be dead by 1965.

Sophie Lennon: I'm excited... Not as excited as I was for that ménage à trois with Vincent Price and Ethel Merman, but close.

Sophie Lennon: I'll see you at the opening, and we'll take that bow together. And by "we", I mean me.

Abe: Teaching is an act of generosity, and I was miserly. But I can't say that I haven't missed the joy of Socratic debate with you all. The pleasure one gets in witnessing young minds striving for truth, the singular wonder of it, the joy of personal discovery, with freedom to make mistakes and learn from them...

Abe: I think this change of pace was good for you men. I see now that this isn't where I belong. It's where you belong. Besides him, him, him, him, him, and him. I'll leave you to it, Professor. I'll leave you to it.

---

Susie: Does it pay? And not in tampons or corn syrup?

Rose: Miriam was just not the right girl for you. She was weird, yes, but there's weird and there's weird. And I thought I knew which weird she was, but apparently I didn't.

Rose: Have a very good life, Benjamin. Will you do that?

Rose: Benjamin, did you really buy a townhouse for the two of you?
Benjamin: Yes, but don't worry, I'm very rich.
Rose: That isn't helping.

Abe: You don't know me, but I have a piece published in today's New York Times. Please take one. The written word can change the world.

Joel: We'll round up some Jews for you, Rabbi.
Moishe: Don't say, "Round up Jews".
Joel: I know. It sounded wrong.

Astrid: There's nothing to be nervous about. Almost all boys are circumcised... Anyhow, the only difference is, this just isn't in a hospital, so the instruments aren't necessarily sterile, and the doctor is a man called a "mohel", who has no medical training, nope. But it's all right because they give the baby wine, so it's drunk. Oh, and you know what's funny? I had a dream last night that I was slicing carrots, and I cut off the tip of my finger, and it just bled and bled and bled and bled. And then I woke up, and it was fine, so...

Rabbi Krinsky: And how did you pick the name, Astrid?
Astrid: Well, first name "Chaim" for Abe's father, middle name "Christian" for my grandfather.
Rabbi Krinsky: It's unusual. The combination.

Abe: Phyllis Schlafly?
Midge: Yeah. She's a woman. She's running for something or other.
Abe: Congress. In Illinois.
Midge: You know her?
Abe: Of course I do. I've been published in The New York Times. This is not a good woman.
Midge: How so?
Abe: She's a right-wing nutjob. She's come out against Nixon.
Midge: Great. We don't like Nixon.
Abe: Because she thinks he's too left-wing.
Midge: That doesn't sound real.
Abe: She also said that Eisenhower only got in office because of "secret kingmakers" in New York. I'm not sure if you know what ethnicity she's referring to with the words "kingmakers" and "New York", but one of them just got part of his penis cut off.
Midge: Well, then she's an idiot.
Abe: She's not. That's what makes her dangerous.

Abe: If you're going to have a voice, you'd better be careful what that voice says.

Midge: I can't do this. This woman, this Schlafly woman... she's awful. I stopped by the library. I looked her up. She is racist and sexist and she uses way too much hairspray. I don't want to speak for her.

Midge: Susie, do you have any idea how horrible this woman is?
Susie: I think everybody's horrible.
Midge: Not as horrible as her.
Susie: But she's paying you, which makes me like her.

Midge: Is she supposed to be so quiet?
Susie: No, you're supposed to be able to hear it.

Susie: I can't watch. I can't watch.
Midge: I can't not.

Susie: You're a star, for now, but she is gonna be a goddamn legend!

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Kind of Bleu

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel 3×6

Abe: Done with breakfast? Why would we ever be done with breakfast? I'll be done with breakfast when I'm starting lunch.

Midge: I slept on a lounge chair for you two.
Rose: What does that mean?
Abe: That's jazz slang. "Slept on a lounge chair". Like, "Hey, man, it's cool. I slept on a lounge chair for you".

Rose: I don't have anything to wear to meet Shy Baldwin.

Midge: We have to go to the Catskills. I've gone every year of my life. Our identity as a family depends on showing up. What will people think?

Bernie Zucker: The investors are here... They came to see a full run-through of the showand they expect to be wowed... Wowed in a good way, not in a "Wow, we gave you all that money for this?" way. That "this" was in a horrified tone. Did you get that?
Susie: Bernie, shut up, she's fine. I promise, you will not have to blow these guys for money again.

Susie: Just spread the word. Sophie Lennon can act, and it's gonna work!

Susie: Listen, I can't thank you guys enough.
Frank: You can, actually, and will, eventually.

Susie: Well, thanks again, boys. You've saved my life.
Frank: No problem, Susie. Break a leg.
Nicky: Or call us, we'll do it for you.
Susie: You guys kill me.
Frank: One day.

Shy Baldwin: What about you, Mrs. Maisel? Are you actually a Mrs. Maisel?
Midge: Yes, and no, and yes again, though, eventually, no.
Shy Baldwin: I've had a lot of champagne. Translate, please.

Shy Baldwin: You still love him?
Midge: Oh, now, Shy, you never ask a girl "How old are you?" or "How much do you weigh?" or "Do you love your ex-husband?"

Sophie Lennon: Susie?
Susie: Yes, Sophie?
Sophie Lennon: My Jell-O was disappointing.
Susie: Okay, Sophie, you have to take a deep breath. Now listen to me very closely... This is what you wanted, to be on Broadway and prove you are a serious actress. This is what you came to me for. So now you have to take the cork out of your ass, you have to open your fucking ears, swallow the disappointing Jell-O, and go out there and do the work. You show those assholes you are right and they are wrong, and then you can go to the Tonys and completely forget to thank me in your acceptance speech.
Sophie Lennon: I will forget to thank you.

---

Susie: Look, Gavin, her craziness, if that's what you call it...
Gavin Hawk: It is exactly what I call it.
Susie: Her craziness is also her brilliance, and her brilliance manifests itself in craziness. And the real problem here is that her brilliance mixed with your brilliance, well, it's almost too much brilliance for one production! Almost. But there is an even bigger chance that the brilliance of you causing the brilliance of her will stun New York audiences, bringing them to their knees, and make your performance one of those performances people talk about forever, like Gielgud's Hamlet.

Susie: Keep calm and carry on, pal.

Susie: I don't like you on a boat... Boats sink... They get torpedoed. They hit icebergs. No boats. No bikes. I don't want you riding on or in anything. Just sit quietly and read a Bible, and no New Testament.

Midge: 1960. An interesting time to be a woman...

Midge: So, 1960. Change is coming. And I believe that someday a next-generation suffragette will wear pink and ride horses, and an unmarried woman will take the pill so she can have as much sex as she wants and not get pregnant, and a married woman will just have a headache and call it a night!

Abe: I'm a city dweller. So images in the ocean all come from monster movies. Squid from outer space with lasers for eyes. Godzilla and Nazi U-boats... Oh, yes, I am particularly gullible.

Abe: You know, I always had a hard time picturing you here.
Asher: Why?
Abe: You're so New York. A man of the city.
Asher: I wouldn't survive in that city for five minutes now. Look at what I have here: sun, surf, freedom! I open when I want; I close when I want. I haven't put on socks in weeks, and every night there's a beautiful sunset, and I never miss it. It's paradise.

Asher: I gave the theater all I have, and it sent me away... I was one of the most successful playwrights on Broadway. Every one of my shows made money. I won the Pulitzer Prize. The critics hailed me as the American Chekhov. And then one schmuck calls me a communist, and poof, over! My friends... gone. My agent, my producer... gone. 20 years to build a life; two months to watch it go.

Midge: If there's one thing a Jewish girl knows, it's when to see a doctor.

Shy Baldwin: I can't go to your hotel.
Midge: What do you mean, my hotel?
Shy Baldwin: This is Florida. We don't stay in your hotels. In Florida, we stay in Overtown.

Midge: Hold still. I will fix you up.

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