Four Minutes

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel 5×9

Rose: And by the way, they say that children who lie become violent criminals. ... Does this not concern you?
Midge: Not particularly.
Rose: Hmm. I thought, as their mother, you might want to do something about it.
Midge: Like what?
Rose: How should I know?
Midge: And there you have it. I learned from the best.

Midge: I'm going on the show tonight. And I'm in work clothes. I need show clothes. Very different clothes.
Alvin: How?
Midge: I could explain it to you, but there will be terms like "side darts" and "ruching" bandied about.

Midge: He was pissed.
Susie: Why?
Midge: Why do you think? She asked him. I think she asked him.
Susie: Well, I'll be damned...
Midge: I don't think he liked us going around him.
Susie: Tough shit. That's what you do when a big dead moose is lying in the middle of the road. You roll the fuck over him, hack him up and make a stew.

Shirley: Moishe's gonna retire.
Joel: What? Really?
Moishe: Selling the business. Everything goes.
Joel: Just like that?
Moishe: Sometimes it takes falling in the shower for everything to become very clear. Life is precious. And it's not all about you. You have to think about the other people in your life.
Joel: What about the workers?
Moishe: Fuck 'em.

Abe: I got a call from Miriam. She is going to be on The Gordon Ford Show tonight. She's going to do her act!
Rose: Oh. Well, good for her.

Rose: Why are you whispering?
Zelda: Janusz does not want me talking to you people anymore. He says you are vampires sucking the lifeblood out of us.

Abe: I offered this man money and services.
Rose: I offered that one my wedding ring, nothing.
Abe: And still he... wait, what?
Rose: He looked at me like I was insane.
Abe: How could you offer him your wedding ring? That belonged to my great-grandmother.
Rose: Abe, don't try to change the subject.
Abe: What? That was an heirloom. It was priceless. She wouldn't even wear it. She sewed it into her wig, so no one would steal it.

Abe: Miriam, I found your mother!

Mike: I can feel your eyes burning a hole through my head.
Susie: You're lucky I'm not staring at your balls.

Abe: Miriam, I have to say, though not a word of any note has come out of your mouth, it is still very exciting to see you sitting on that stool.
Midge: Thank you, Papa.

Rose: Miriam.
Midge: You know you can get pregnant squatting like that.
Rose: I told you that one time, and you've never let me forget it.
Midge: Because it was a doozy.

Rose: I just want you to know, I'm very touched that you had so many people ask me to come here tonight.

Midge: I'm thinking about doing something, Susie, something reckless that could go very badly for both of us.
Susie: Yeah?
Midge: It could ruin us. Definitely me and you by extension.
Susie: Okay.

Susie: Look, you started your career by getting up on a stage that no one told you to get up on, saying a bunch of shit that no one wanted you to say, so... tits up.
Midge: Tits up.

Susie: Buckle up, Mikey...

Midge: My kids, God, I promise their names will come to me. I think it's inevitable that they will hate me when they grow up. Like every other parent, I spend sleepless nights imagining what my kids are gonna say about me to their psychiatrists.

Midge: ... That's the kind of fame I want. Where I never have to know who I am or where I'm going. Where one day Bob Hope walks up to me at a restaurant and says, "Hi, I'm Bob Hope. You probably don't remember meeting me," and I say, "Of course I do. I'll have the chicken."

Midge: I want a big life. I want to experience everything. I want to break every single rule there is. They say ambition is an unattractive trait in a woman. Maybe. But you know what's really unattractive? Waiting around for something to happen. Staring out a window, thinking the life you should be living is out there somewhere but not being willing to open the door and go get it. Even if someone tells you you can't. Being a coward is only cute in The Wizard of Oz.

Gordon Ford: I have to say, I agree with you. You are definitely not a writer.
Midge: That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

Gordon Ford: Ladies and gentlemen, making her first but definitely not last appearance on The Gordon Ford Show, may I present the magnificent, the magical, the marvelous Mrs. Maisel.
Abe: There she is. That's my daughter.
Joel: That's my ex-wife.
Archie: That's my best friend's ex-wife.
Joel: That's my ex-wife!

Gordon Ford: You're fired.

Midge: I hope you're right because I don't have a plan B. All my eggs are in one big basket.
Lenny Bruce: Mm, allow me...
Midge: God, I love a man who steals my food.
Lenny Bruce: "A spotlight waits for you center stage. All you have to do is step up and claim it."
Midge: Wow.
Lenny Bruce: "Once you do, everyone will know who you are. They will know your wit, your intellect, your smile. Your great, expressive eyes." "They will be helpless to your charms."
Midge: That must be some very small writing.
Lenny Bruce: "They will fall at your feet and worship at the altar of you and your show corset."

Midge: Can I see that fortune?
Lenny Bruce: Oh, no. If someone sees you can read, they'll never let you be famous.
Midge: "Your lucky numbers are 46, 24, 11, six and five."
Lenny Bruce: It's all how you read it.

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