Secret Santa

The Office 6×13

Pam Beesly: Is... Is it fake?
Jim Halpert: Pam.
Dwight Schrute: Yes! We are unveiling an artificial tree that will never die.
Jim Halpert: Yes.
Dwight Schrute: Like the spirit of Christmas.
Stanley Hudson: And we're supposed to applaud you for taking a giant diaper off a fake tree?

Phyllis Lapin: I have been wanting to be Santa for years. I believe I have the right temperament and the figure to do the job well. I slipped a note to Jim 11 weeks ago, and he said I could do it. It's been a long journey. But I'm Santa Claus!

Michael Scott: If this were Russia, yeah, sure, everybody would go to one Santa, and there would be a line around the block, and once you sat on her lap and she asked you what you wanted, you would say, probably, freedom, at which point the KGB would arrest you and send you to Siberia. It's a good thing Russia doesn't exist anymore.

Michael Scott: You know what, Jim? With two Santas in the room, things get ruthless. Do you understand? You forced my hand.

Jim Halpert: Michael, it's Phyllis. We want Phyllis as Santa.
Michael Scott: Do we? Do we? Is that what we want? Why don't we take a vote on it?

Michael Scott: I don't ask for much for Christmas. I really don't. It's not like I am begging people to buy me diamonds and broach pendants. Oh! "Buy me something expensive, or I'm gonna kill myself." That's not... I don't care about that!

Michael Scott: All I want to be is Santa. And you want to take that away from me, fine. Go ahead. But when you need my help because I am ruining everything, don't look at me!

Michael Scott: Behold, Jesus Christ. And I bring to you glad Christmas tidings.

Pam Beesly: They're the only two gay guys I know. But they should be together.

Angela Martin: All right, I just got out of the restroom, and it stinks. The warehouse needs to go.
Jim Halpert: Okay, wait. How do you know it's someone from the warehouse who stunk up the bathroom?
Angela Martin: They stink up the bathroom with their smelly poos, because they don't eat as quality food as us 'cause they're poor. It's science.

Michael Scott: David, guess who I am sitting here dressed as.
David Wallace: I'm not going to guess. You can tell me, or I will hang up.
Michael Scott: I will give you a hint. His last name is Christ. He has the power of flight. He can heal leopards.
David Wallace: Michael...
Michael Scott: I am Jesus, David, and you know why?

Michael Scott: You know what? Christmas isn't about Santa or Jesus. It's about the workplace.
Jim Halpert: The exact opposite of what you just said is true.
Michael Scott: See, that's exactly something that Jim would say, and I love him for it.

Michael Scott: All of you feel like my family. Ryan, you are my son, and Pam, you're my wife, and Jim... And Angela and Phyllis, you are my grandmas. And Oscar, you just moved in next door because of urban renewal. And Stanley, you're our mailman. And I can't help but look at all of your wonderful, beautiful faces and think, "How could they do this to us?"
Jim Halpert: What?
Pam Beesly: How could we do what to you?

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