Louis CK: There's lots of kinds of confidence. There's personal confidence. I don't have much of that. That's... Personal confidence is like a man wearing white pants. That takes, you know... tremendous confidence and optimism, really... to leave the house in white pants like it's gonna be a great day. There's gonna be no puddles or pizza, nothing.
Louis CK: Here's another kind-- moral confidence. Moral confidence. That means knowing that you would do the right thing, knowing that you wouldn't do something wrong. Moral confidence. You can have that in your daily life because a lot of your days are the same. But what if you were in another time? Like, I would love to believe, I feel confident that I would not have had slaves. I wouldn't have done it. I wouldn't have done it. I wouldn't have had any. Even if I lived in 17-whatever in Virginia and all my neighbors had slaves, I would have been like, "You guys are dicks." I can say that. But it's easy to say that now because you can't get no slaves. You just can't-- You can't get any. That's why you don't have slaves. It's not because you're better than back-then people. It's because they're not available. That's a huge contributing factor. It's not a decision you need to make every day, like you're carrying your groceries.
Louis CK: It's not like they have slaves at Home Depot. I mean, they kind of do, but, yeah... there are some forms of kind of slavery.
Louis CK: How early did we come up with this? Like, from the beginning of human existence, we evolved, you know, through ideas. We were a scared, naked ape, and then we were like, "Make a fire. That's a good idea. Kill an animal and take his fur. That's a good idea. Plant things and then wait. That's a good idea." But really quickly we came up with, "Just make them fucking do it. I'm not doing anything. I'm doing nothing. Make them fucking do it." That was, like, our third thing we did on Earth.
Louis CK: It's true. It said, "Auschwitz" with a blue check. So it was like, "Oh, cool. It's really them," you know? And they tweeted like, "That's not funny." Why is the death camp tweeting? Who's running the social accounts at Auschwitz?
Louis CK: You know what I was thinking about today? I was thinking about Jesus... I was. Today. I was thinking about Jesus. And after I came... I... I thought, "Well, I feel sorry for Jesus." That's how I feel.
Louis CK: This is a book about Jesus. Actually, only this much is about Jesus. Only that-- just that part. The rest of it is just the Jews going like, "And then we walked for 50 years in the desert. And we only had a little bit of oil. It was difficult." It's just... It's fucking verbose. Just Jews. It just goes on and on. "And then Jacob bought a goat, and... And Abraham lived to be 800."
Louis CK: The Jews in the early chapters are all, like, 800 years old. And then God was like, "I can't with these fucking Jews for 800 years. Heart disease starts today."
Louis CK: So that's them. And that's Jesus. This little part's Jesus. And the weird part is, it's not all-- Like, it's all the same story over and over again. They tell the same story about Jesus' life over. First Matthew tells it, and then Mark is like, "Dude, that's not what-- You're fucking drunk. Here's what happened. I'll tell you what happened. Hey, Paul. You weren't even here. Shut the fuck up."
Louis CK: Nothing's true in here. But... I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I don't fucking know. What do I know? I wasn't there. I'm just trying to make it clear that I didn't make it up. They did.
Louis CK: Okay, here's the story. This is Mark Chapter 11. It's when Mark went broke...
Louis CK: That's really what happened. He got a little shitty. A little big, you know. He went to Jerusalem. That's a big town for a boy from Galilee. And he didn't just walk into Jerusalem. He walked in, and his friends were like, "King of the Jews, y'all! King of the motherfucking Jews!" The Jews didn't like that. The Jews were like, "Not my president. Whatever," you know. So they nailed him to a cross. This is what they did.
Louis CK: God doesn't hate you 'cause you're gay. God made you gay 'cause he hates you... No. I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. There's no God.
Louis CK: But you know who I feel sorry for? Who I really feel sorry for is a gay man's sperm. Just think about that... That's a tough destiny. Being a sperm inside of a gay man, that's hard luck. 'Cause if you're gay, that's great. But your sperm is not gay...
Louis CK: Why? What the fuck for, the long life? You can live too long, I think. You can live too long. Some people are 100. Get the fuck out of here! Nobody knows you.
Louis CK: There's always an oldest person. And sometimes you read about them because the other one just died. That's when they tell you that there's a new oldest person. Last one I read about was 114. 114! He's a teenager after 100. You know what that means? That means he's got a kid who's like, 92... who's like, "Please fucking die. I'm just hanging around so I can have one week without you in it."
Louis CK: Here's the bad news-- You're gonna die. Here's the good news-- When you get closer, you're gonna want to fucking die. It doesn't keep being good. You don't get to keep your life the way it is. Like, I'm 55. Both hands hurt. Both hands. Both my hips hurt. I'm lucky I have only one asshole. The whole fucking body hurts.
Louis CK: There are signs that your time is coming to an end, you know? Like-- Like they don't make my shampoo anymore. They don't make it. It's like, why'd you stop? Like, you're the only one. Nobody fucking cares about you.
Louis CK: I decided to stop exercising. That's what I decided this year. I'm just not doing it anymore. I made it to 55. If I stop exercising now, it just means I might make 75 instead of 78. It's not that big a fucking deal. I'm just not gonna do it.
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+ Quotes on the IMDb
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