A House Full of Extremely Lame Horses

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel 5×7

Shirley: Oh, she wants a place to throw a party for those sad, lonely women who pay her for a husband. May I just say, thank God we didn't have a girl.
Moishe: We sure dodged a bullet there, boy.

Zelda: The pilot's out.
Rose: What? Miriam, the pilot's out! Abe, the pilot's out!
Zelda: It's fine. Easy to fix.
Rose: Miriam, it's easy to fix! Abe, Zelda's here! She says it's easy to fix!
Midge: What?!
Rose: Zelda's gonna fix the stove.
Midge: Well, what's wrong with the stove?!
Zelda: The pilot light is out, Mr. Weissman.
Abe: Zelda? What are you doing here?
Rose: She's fixing the stove.
Abe: Oh. Okay.

Zelda: So, like I showed you last time, all you have to do is light a match, see? Then you hold it here, turn the knob, and then it's lit.
Rose: My goodness. So complicated.
Zelda: Not complicated at all. I showed you before many, many times. Did you look in the book?
Rose: The book?
Zelda: The book I made you, remember? All labeled, and there's pictures... See, right here under "No flame in stove for tea" is "How to fix no flame in stove for tea." Very easy. A picture of teacup and everything.
Rose: Yes, well, luckily it's working now.
Zelda: Maybe you could try for next time?
Rose: Oh, please, if I did that, I'd blow the entire building up.
Midge: Did she fix it yet?
Rose: She did. She's a genius.
Midge: Shoot, I wanted to see her do it. For next time.
Zelda: It's all in the book I made you.
Midge: Where'd that come from?
Rose: I have no idea.
Zelda: It comes from me! I made the book!
Midge: Oh, look, it has pictures. Fun.

Abe: I was a tenured professor at Columbia University. I worked at Bell Labs. I have 12 patents pending. That is my grandson. He's a Weissman. There is no possible way he's happy.

Danny Stevens: ... Finally, my parents get to Ellis Island where they were immediately quarantined for two months.
Gordon Ford: Why?
Danny Stevens: They were sick. They had everything. Typhoid, pneumonia, malaria. They were so sick, the immigration agent changed their name to... I can't go by that name in show business. Too Jewish. Finally get out, move to a tenement on Delancey, and proceed to have nine children.
Gordon Ford: Ooh.
Danny Stevens: Because, as my mother said, "Even if you can't afford the movies, Saturday night is still going to happen. You got to do something."

Danny Stevens: Gordon, this woman here is like a brave explorer, daring to find what no one has found before. A bit that works.
Midge: I think you're exaggerating.
Danny Stevens: You're Amerigo Vespucci, Sir Walter Raleigh, Amelia Earhart... if she'd made it.

Abe: They give every child in his school an aptitude test at the beginning of the year.
Midge: Oh, how'd he do?
Abe: He failed! They say he has the potential for nothing but happiness.
Midge: Is that bad?
Abe: Ethan is a first-born Weissman male. A first-born Weissman male is expected to excel. They are not expected to be happy.
Midge: I'm sorry, just because he's happy doesn't mean he won't excel.
Abe: Of course it does! Not one person who has ever accomplished anything of worth in life has ever been happy.
Midge: That can't be true.
Abe: Name me one cheerful man of science. One sunny artist of worth. One giddy Founding Father.
Midge: Benjamin Franklin. Didn't he get laid a lot?
Abe: Yes, he did, but given all his great accomplishments, I guarantee you, he didn't enjoy it.

Mike: You're getting a raise. ..... You didn't know?
Midge: I didn't know.
Mike: It's a big one, too. You'll be making as much as the men.
Midge: Jiminy Crickets! ..... Well, this is very serious. I mean, if this gets out, every working woman will want to get paid just as much as a man to do the exact same job, and our entire civilization will collapse.
Mike: Exactly!

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