Joan Is Awful

Black Mirror 6×1

Joan: I... I feel like I'm not the main character in my own life story.
Dr Atkinson: And would you like that to change?

Joan: Mmm... Amazing... Is that salt?

Krish: Uh... Oh my God. Uh... What?
Joan: "New drama. Joan Is Awful." Is that Salma Hayek?

Joan: That's not my hair.
Krish: Well, it's a lot like your hair. And she's even called Joan.

Joan: I think we should turn this off.
Krish: What? Well, actually, I wanna keep watching.
Joan: No. No...

Salma Hayek: Is that Cate Blanchett?

Joan: Did you see it?
Eric: Everybody saw it. It's all anyone can talk about.
Joan: How'd it come across?... Fair.

Joan's Lawyer: ...you assigned them the right to exploit all of that.
Joan: What? When?
Joan's Lawyer: Terms and conditions.
Joan: I have never seen this before.
Joan's Lawyer: You have. You just haven't seen it printed out before. All of that would have popped up on your phone or whatever when you first signed up to Streamberry. And you clicked "accept."
Joan: What? I mean, I had... I had no... How was I supposed to know this?
Joan's Lawyer: I know. But you did accept it, and so they're in the clear.

Joan: No, no. No, no, no. They can't... they can't do this to me.
Joan's Lawyer: There are only so many ways for me to tell you they absolutely can.

Joan: But how do they... how do they even know what I'm doing? It's the same... it's the same day. Joan's Lawyer: Well, you know when you got your phone face down on the table, and you're in your kitchen, and you're talking to your friend about, I don't know, shoe deodorizers, and then, you know, you go on your computer and what pops up? A shoe deodorizing ad. Then you get an email, and it's all about shoe deodorizing. Then you're walking down the street, shoe deodorizing. You can't escape it. And it's...
Joan: Yeah, so?
Joan's Lawyer: Uh, that's how they know.

Joan: Fuck!
Joan's Lawyer: I agree. Uh, I hate to say it, but this thing is... is watertight.
Joan: Oh my God.
Joan's Lawyer: They got you every which way and then some. My advice is to try and ignore it.
Joan: What the fuck kind of advice is that?
Joan's Lawyer: It's the only kind I got.

Mac: It's, um... It's... This is so public.
Joan: What do you mean?
Mac: This is gonna be on the show.
Joan: Okay, but it's not us. It's... it's computer people. It's Salma Hayek and...
Mac: Well, yeah, I know. So, I mean, like, I'm gonna be the guy who can't get it up for Salma Hayek?

Mac: You know, it's one thing to not be able to get it up for, like, you, but Salma Hayek? I mean, look, people are gonna laugh at me.
Joan: The show is called fucking Joan Is Awful! How do you think I feel?

Joan: Have you not seen Joan Is Awful?
Male Cop: No, but it's on my list.
Joan: Just wait till episode four. I hear it's gonna be a blast.

Salma Hayek: I am Roman Catholic. My grandmother Rosa was going to be a nun. She might die when she sees this. What right do they have to kill my abuela with this deepfake heretic abomination?
Salma's Lawyer: Uh, page 39, paragraph eight.
Salma Hayek: Paragraph eight can suck my dick! I don't even know what it says anyway.
Salma's Lawyer: Uh, your image rights agreement with Streamberry. It's page 39, paragraph eight.

Salma Hayek: You know I don't read this crap. I am a dyslexic, talented actress with questionable English. That's why I overpay you to protect me. Joan: Please don't kill me, Salma Hayek.
Salma Hayek: You're lucky I'm a humanitarian. Let's have a talk.

Fatima Klaas: Why that particular woman? What's so special about her?
Mona Javadi: Absolutely nothing. We were looking for a totally average, nobody person, just... just to test the system. The point is, Joan Is Awful is just the beginning. The aim here is to launch unique, tailored content to each individual in our database, all 800 million of them, created on the fly by our system. The most relatable content imaginable. Actually, there's one for you... I couldn't resist.

Fatima Klaas: Uh, why "awful"? Why is it all so negative?
Mona Javadi: Yeah. No, that's a great question, Fatima. Um, we did try more affirmative content in the test cell, but we found that, um, our subjects just didn't buy it. It didn't chime with their neurotic view of themselves. What we found instead was when we focused on their more weak or selfish or craven moments, it confirmed their innermost fears and put them in a state of mesmerized horror. Which really drives engagement. They literally can't look away.

Salma Hayek: Let's kill this quam-puta.

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