A Jewish Girl Walks Into the Apollo...

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel 3×8

Joel: It might be time to get serious about trying, though. I mean really trying. I could stay home from work all next week and try a lot. Every ten to 15 minutes if you want.
Midge: Talk about chutzpah...
Joel: And we will try till we get it right. And I am nothing if not a perfectionist.

Joel: Where are you in the fall? Let me see... Dusseldorf, Frankfurt, Zurich, Stockholm.

Midge: Joel, our children cannot go to school in Queens!
Joel: Why?
Midge: Because... Queens.

Abe: What, Moishe?
Moishe: Oh, nothing. I know you said the written word can change the world. Well, I just looked outside, and so far, it's exactly the same.

Moishe: [my father] was convinced goats were the future. We lived in a tenement on Rivington... 12 people, two rooms... and yet this man wanted goats. He pushed a cart. He sold pickles. But he wanted goats... In the end, the man dies out on a sidewalk, pickle in his hand, nothing in his pocket. No goats.

Rose: Is there a point, Moishe? ...
Moishe: Sometimes what you want, what you get... two very different things. Don't worry, though. I am on the lookout. The minute I see that the world is changing, you'll be the first to know. But for now, your goat is a pickle.

Abe: I've made a decision, Rose. I am going to tutor.
Rose: Tutor what?
Abe: Idiots. The city's teeming with them. Toss a rock, hit an idiot. I'll tutor, I'll coach, I'll substitute teach. Anything. This stops now.

Moishe: It's 7:39 in the evening, and the world is still exactly the same!

Joel: I missed you.
Mei: Well, remember that next time you're an idiot.

Midge: So, you're the girlfriend...
Mei: And you're the wife... I'm going to be a doctor.
Midge: I'm gonna play the Apollo.

Midge: It's so hard to raise kids when you're married. It's really hard to raise kids when you're divorced. But it's not that hard to raise them when their dad's a great guy... But, Joel, there's no fucking way our kids are going to school in Queens! I'll burn this fucking place to the ground!

Midge: Have a great time, everybody. And drink up. All proceeds go to Collegiate!

Susie: It's just the beginning, pal. You'll see. There is no one like her in the world. She's like my dirty, sparkly, good fucking fairy.
Reggie: Uh-oh. You really believe in this girl.
Susie: Aren't I supposed to?
Reggie: Smells like trouble.
Susie: Why?
Reggie: Just means you can't be objective.
Susie: Oh, believe me, I can be objective. I know when she sucks. I know when she's an asshole, or dressed like a mental patient. She's incredibly high maintenance. ... She's always late. You got to feed her every two hours like a fucking parking meter.

---

Reggie: It's a strange job, managing another person's career... You think you're so important, and then suddenly, you're running around Utah looking for the kind of toothpaste Shy likes.

Reggie: It's nice when they shine. You get to share in that, shine a little yourself. But then when they do bad things, and then you do bad things...
Susie: What bad things?
Reggie: Things you don't want to do. But you have to... You hate it. You do it. And then you get paid.

Reggie: Nothing beats fear when it comes to gambling.

Rose: Miriam doesn't have to be the last girl for you. I was right once. I can be right again.

Rose: Don't wait too long to be happy.

Rose: What on earth?.. What happened to you?!
Abe: The most wonderful thing.
Rose: Wonderful? Your nose is bleeding!
Abe: A man threw a tomato at me.

Abe: Moishe was wrong. His father should have opened that goat farm. And the written word... it's going to change the world!

Abe: Here we go, Rosie... Moishe! Buy a goat! The world is changing!

Susie: I'm only gonna say this once, so pay attention... thank you!

Susie: You're gonna be great.
Midge: There is no other option.
Susie: You bet your ass. Tits up?
Midge: Tits up.

Marcus: It's not right. Who the hell is this little white girl anyhow?
Moms Mabley: Oh, Marcus, you back off now. That audience out there is gonna give her a tough enough time without you in her face... It was nice meeting you, Mrs. Maisel. Welcome to the Apollo.

Midge: Mmm. Unbelievable. Fried in oil? Ah.
— Lard!
Midge: You ever use schmaltz? Same heart attack, different afterlife. Mmm.

Susie: It's okay. We're gonna be okay.

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