The Grim Grotto: Part One

A Series of Unfortunate Events 3×3

Lemony Snicket: After a great deal of time examining oceans, investigating rainstorms, and staring very hard at several drinking fountains, the scientists of the world developed a theory called "the water cycle." The water cycle consists of three key phenomena... evaporation, precipitation, and collection. All of them are equally dry, a word which here means "boring."

Lemony Snicket: Sometimes it is a relief to be bored because when one is bored... one is also safe.

Lemony Snicket: I advise you to find some safe, dry piece of entertainment, rather than watching another second of this danger-filled, extremely damp tale.

Lemony Snicket: The expression "shiver me timbers" comes from the society of pirates who enjoy using interesting expressions almost as much as jumping aboard other people's ships and stealing their valuables. It is an expression of extreme amazement they used in circumstances when one feels as if one's very bones, or timbers, are shivering.

Carmelita Spats: I'm not handsome! I'm adorable.

Hook-Handed Man: I'll make it up to you, boss. Who do you want me to kill?

Phil: I was sure I could find a better job than "unpaid mill worker." And look at me now. I am a cook on an understaffed submarine! Life keeps getting better and better!

Fiona Widdershins: What's for dinner, Cookie?
Phil: I don't like to say anything bad about anyone's cooking, even mine, so I won't.

Violet Baudelaire: "He who hesitates is lost" isn't a very useful philosophy. There are plenty of times where it's better to stop and think. Besides, it should be "he or she who hesitates."

Count Olaf: What is this?
Hook-Handed Man: What? Oh, it's a chef's salad. It's full of different things that are just chopped up and...
Count Olaf: Is there any beef in it?
Hook-Handed Man: It's vegetarian.
Count Olaf: Vege-what-who?
Hook-Handed Man: "Vegetarian" means there's no meat in it whatsoever—

Count Olaf: You are my henchperson, a word which here means you work for me. So the next time I ask you to toss a baby off a cliff, I expect to hear one thing... "Splat!"

Klaus Baudelaire: Well, our parents kept secrets from us too. I think they were trying to keep us safe.
Fiona Widdershins: Instead, we're facing dangers they never prepared us for.

Phil: You see? There is no problem that a family dinner can't solve.
Klaus Baudelaire: Political injustice.
Fiona Widdershins: Stomachache.
Violet Baudelaire: Complex math.
Phil: I'm talking about real problems, guys!

Lemony Snicket: The way sadness works is one of the strange riddles of the world. If you have been stricken with a great sadness, you may feel as if you have been set aflame as the sadness spreads over your life, like smoke from an enormous fire.

---

Count Olaf: I'll never laugh again. See? My lips can't even form the sound. All joy and mirth has been sucked from my life like those... What are those parasitic things that cling to you and suck your blood?
Hook-Handed Man: Lachrymose leeches?
Count Olaf: Families!

Carmelita Spats: Stop being depressing. It's depressing me.

Count Olaf: It's the Great Unknown.
Esmé Squalor: I thought that was a myth, like gravity or inner beauty.

Count Olaf: Consider this a mutiny. Full steam ahead!

Count Olaf: I'm splitting my sides! I'm nauseous with mirth! I'm seriously considering compiling a joke book from all the hilarious things bouncing around in my brain!

Count Olaf: Let's have one more round of villainous laughter, on the house. Ha-ha hostages!
Esmé Squalor: Hee-hee-hee antagonism!
Carmelita Spats: Cackle, cackle, cakesniffer!

Lemony Snicket: The phrase "uncharted waters" refers to locations that do not appear on a map, but it can also describe any place that is unknown. From the darkest depths of the sea... to one's own future, which cannot be known until it arrives.

Mr. Poe: S.O.S. That's what I ought to send! I'm literally drowning in paperwork.
Kit Snicket: Figuratively. You're figuratively drowning in paperwork.
Mr. Poe: Yes, I meant to say literally.

Mr. Poe: Is that my boss? Is it my wife? Is it the taxman? I meant to pay him, but I got so busy making money!

Lemony Snicket: One of the most powerful elements not found on standard periodic tables is the element of surprise... The element of surprise is found where you least expect it. But it is a dangerous element, which is why I recommend limiting one's scientific studies to the water cycle... The water cycle consists of three key phenomena: Evaporation, precipitation, and collection. All of them are equally boring... But so much less upsetting...

Count Olaf: Hee-hee-ho-ho.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb