Saturday Morning Funtime

Good Omens 1×4

Captain Vincent: That's impossible! It appears a vast expanse of seabed has risen beneath us in the night. Strange people in long robes and diving helmets have come aboard the ship and are mingling happily with the passengers, who think that we have organised this for their amusement.

— Make it happen. Make it real. Make it happen. Make it real.

Pepper: Adam, I still don't understand the thing you were telling us about alien spaceships. If I was an alien, I wouldn't be going around giving messages of universal peace and goodwill. I'd say, "This is a laser blaster. Prepare to die, rebel swine."
Wensleydale: I'd say that too, if I was an alien in a flying saucer. Or, "Exterminate." Obviously, the aliens used to do that.

Pepper: Adam, I don't think this stuff is, you know... real.
Adam Young: Things on the Internet can be made up. This is magazines. Of course it's real!

Aziraphale: There-- there's been prophecies.
Crowley: What's in human prophecies that matters to us?
Aziraphale: Well, er, the Kraken wakes and rises from the sea floor. So does Atlantis. And the rain forests return. And that's just for starters. Armageddon is coming, and I'm fairly certain it starts today. Just after teatime.
Crowley: Exactly. Right on schedule. What's your point?

Aziraphale: I just thought there was something we could do.
Crowley: There is. We can fight. And we can win.
Aziraphale: But there doesn't have to be a war.
Crowley: Of course there does. Otherwise, how would we win it?

Maud: Lesley. Come back to bed.
Lesley: I can't, love. I got deliveries to make.
Maud: On a Saturday morning?
Lesley: Well, at least it's local. Two jobs and I'm done.
Maud: Lesley. Who are these deliveries for?
Lesley: I don't know, love. Someone important. Head office said the job was booked about 6,000 years ago.
Maud: They were joking.
Lesley: Well, the company's only 80 years old. But I saw the paperwork.

Lesley: Anyway... ours is not to reason why. Ours... is to deliver packages.

Crowley: Where should I go?.. England's out. America's out. Atlantis? Didn't exist yesterday. It exists today. Still out... The moon. No atmosphere. No nightlife... Alpha Centauri. That's always nice this time of year. Beautiful nebula. Look at that.

Lesley: I've got a message for you, sir. It's not a package. It's a message.
Death: Deliver it, then.
Lesley: It's just this. "Come and see."
Death: Finally!
Lesley: What does it mean, sir?
Death: It's a call to action. War and Famine. Pollution and Death. Today, we ride.

Death: Now, don't think of it as dying. Think of it as leaving early to avoid the rush.

Shadwell: It's all up to you now, Witchfinder Private Pulsifer. Find this Adam Young and keep an eye on him.
Newton Pulsifer: Shouldn't there be a few more of us if we're protecting the entire country from witches?
Shadwell: Nobody said it would be easy, Private Pulsifer.

Newton Pulsifer: Bell. Book. Candle. What are they for?
Shadwell: You might have to exorcise a demon.
Newton Pulsifer: How do I do that?
Shadwell: Ring the bell. Light the candle.
Newton Pulsifer: Read the book?
Shadwell: There'll be no time for light reading when you're under demonic attack, laddie. And finally... pin.
Newton Pulsifer: Pin?
Shadwell: Aye. It's the bayonet in your army of light.
Newton Pulsifer: Right.

Alien Leader: Morning, sir, madam or neuter. This your planet, is it?

Shadwell: You what?
Newton Pulsifer: I just got pulled over by aliens.
Shadwell: Did you count their nipples?

Wensleydale: I don't know if this is in your New Aquarian magazines, but I was thinking we ought to save the whales. Whales can sing, actually. And they have very big brains. And there's hardly any of them left.
Pepper: If they're so clever, what are they doing in the sea all day? Just swimming and eating things and singing and— Oh, my God, I want to be a whale.
Adam Young: Right. We'll save the whales, then. All of them.

Demon No.1: Well... The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will ride over the plain to us, and then our forces... I thought "the Forces of Darkness" was a bit long, so I'm calling us "Darkforce One." We rise up, pushing through the earth, while our opposition descend from above.
Duke of Hell Hastur: This is Armageddon. This is where the world will end.
Demon No.1: Well, that's the Greek name for it. Technically, the fields of Megiddo. Yeah. Archaeological excavations over there, avocado fields that way.
Duke of Hell Hastur: They grow avocados here?
Demon No.1: Yes. We have a joke. We say... "It's going to be one big avocado."
Duke of Hell Hastur: I, er... I don't like jokes. I don't do jokes. And when people do jokes in my presence, they rapidly find themselves swallowing their tongues... No, I tell a lie. It's mostly me that swallows their tongues.

---

Duke of Hell Hastur: A photo op? What's-- what's-- what's a photo op? Is it-- Is it another joke?
Demon No.2: No, Your Disgrace. It's... Well, you know what a selfie is?... I believe the demon Crowley invented them.

Crowley: The forces of Hell have figured out it was my fault. But we can run away together. Alpha Centauri. Lots of spare planets up there. Nobody would even notice us.
Aziraphale: Crowley, you're being ridiculous. Look, I-I-I'm quite sure if I can just-- just reach the right people, then I can get all this sorted out.
Crowley: There aren't any right people. There's just God, moving in mysterious ways and not talking to any of us!
Aziraphale: Well, yes, and that is why I'm going to have a word with the Almighty, and then the Almighty will fix it.
Crowley: That won't happen! You're so clever. How can somebody as clever as you be so stupid?!

God: You're probably wondering where Crowley has gone. Demons aren't bound by physics. Over the years, a huge number of theological man-hours have been spent debating the question: "How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?" To answer it, we need information. Firstly, angels don't dance. It's one of the distinguishing characteristics that marks an angel. So, none. At least, nearly none. Aziraphale had learned a dance called the "gavotte" in a discreet gentlemen's club in Portland Place in the late 1880s. After a while, he had become fairly good at it, and was quite put out when, some decades later, the gavotte went out of style for good. So providing the dance was a gavotte, the answer is a straightforward "one". Then again, you might just as well ask how many demons can dance on the head of a pin. They're of the same original stock, after all. And at least demons dance. Not what you'd call good dancing, though. For demons or for angels, size and shape are simply options. So, if you look from really close up, the only problem about dancing on the head of a pin is all those big gaps between electrons. That's where Crowley has gone...

Archangel Michael: Aziraphale, it's time to choose sides.
Aziraphale: I've-I've actually been giving that a lot of thought. The, erm, the whole choosing sides thing. Erm, what I think is that there obviously has to be two sides. That's the whole point. So people can make choices. That's-- that's what being human means. Choices. But-- but that's-- that's for them. Our job as-as angels should be to keep all this working so they can make choices.
Uriel: You think too much. You... you mustn't.

Newton Pulsifer: So we find this Adam, and then what do we do?
Anathema Device: Stop him. He's bringing Armageddon.
Newton Pulsifer: So, we ask him nicely to stop?

Newton Pulsifer: The world's about to end, and I've-- I've never-- never robbed a bank. I've never got a parking ticket. I've never eaten Thai food. I've never been abroad. I've never learned to play a musical instrument, and I've never...
Anathema Device: Kissed a girl?
Newton Pulsifer: No, not even once.

Madame Tracy: I made you a nice cup of tea. I made it just the way you like it. Nine sugars and condensed milk.
Shadwell: Awa' wi' ye, ye murrain plashed berrizene.
Madame Tracy: Oh, Mr Shadwell. You say the nicest things.

Aziraphale: The important thing is the Antichrist. I know who he is, I know where he is.
Metatron: Good work, well done.
Aziraphale: So there doesn't need to be any of that nonsense about, erm, a third of the seas turning to blood or anything. There needn't be a war. We can save everyone.
Metatron: The point is not to avoid the war. The point is to win it.

Aziraphale: What sort of, er, initiating event will precipitate the war?
Metatron: We thought a multi-nation nuclear exchange would be a nice start.
Aziraphale: Very imaginative.

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