How Do You Get to Carnegie Hall?

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel 4×8

Joel: I killed him. I killed my father.
Midge: Joel, no.
Joel: Yes. Yes, I'm like that guy, uh... Who was it?
Midge: Who was who?
Joel: The guy in the Bible that killed his father.
Midge: I don't know. Uh, Abraham?
Joel: No. He was the one who almost killed his son.
Midge: Absalom?
Joel: No. It didn't start with an "A." Uh, Oedipus?
Midge: That's not the Bible.
Joel: But he killed his father.
Midge: And married his mother.
Joel: Well, other than that, I'm that guy.

Midge: What did you say?
Joel: I was nervous, so I-I just blurted shit out, and I think I kind of mushed "Chinese" and "pregnant" together. I should've let one sink in, then hit him with the other.

Imogene: I had nothing to do with this, so I'll just be the person who pats people's arms.

Shirley: What are you gonna do if Rose goes first?
Abe: What? Oh, no. I-I'm definitely going first.
Shirley: I think God is a cruel god. Don't you?
Abe: Well, I actually think God is more of a brilliant marketing ploy.
Shirley: It's cruel that people know they're going to die. It's like someone telling you the end of a movie before you've seen it. I mean, how much fun is it sitting through Casablanca if you already know Ingrid Bergman isn't ending up with Humphrey Bogart? No tap dancing, no dwarves. One song, and Bogart walks off with the guy who hangs out with Nazis.
Abe: It is a very overrated movie.

Shirley: Anyhow, before we got him back, when my grandmother thought he was gone for good, she said, "He's lucky. He died with all his teeth." That's the best you can hope for in life, that you die with all your teeth.

Abe: "What's he known for?" he kept saying. "What's he known for?" As if a-a man's life is measured by how many people have heard of him? Mickey Mouse, a known anti-Semite, can get an obituary in The New York Times, but Moishe Maisel cannot?!

Midge: It's hard seeing the men in your life scared. And with the men out of commission, the women are left to keep things going. Now, this is not totally unusual, right? I mean, women could be bleeding from the head, and they'd host a dinner party if the invitations were already sent out. But we never think about it like that. We just assume we're supporting the real leaders.

Midge: Are women more important than God?... Hmm. What if we discover one day that we were always the ones in charge? Just, no one told us.

Lenny Bruce: It's always the pretty ones who try to kill you.

Abe: ..... Uh, well, after the 13 Jews, I-I do a long run about whether or not God exists.

Moishe: He does.
Abe: Well, that's been the debate.
Moishe: There's no debate. He does.
Abe: Okay, I know you feel like that, but...
Moishe: Abe, I'm lying in a hospital bed. Give me this.
Abe: God exists. For now. .....

Abe: You... were a very good man. And I... I miss you very much. But you're not dead, so...

Moishe: You love her. You're going to marry her, have a family, another grandchild. That's a mitzvah. That, we celebrate.
Joel: Thank you, Pop.
Moishe: However, she has to be Jewish by the time you tell your mother.
Joel: What?!
Moishe: It's easy. She meets a rabbi, reads a book, takes a bath.
Joel: Pop.
Moishe: I'm getting very weak, Joel. Try not to upset me.

Midge: Lenny. Little tip: the nicer the lady looks, the worse her shoes are.

Lenny Bruce: I'm not the stand-up messiah. This is what I want. This is what I have worked for. Don't you want this? Don't you want to be here? Don't you want to know a thousand mental patients braved a fucking snowstorm to see you? That should be the goal.
Midge: How do you know it's not?
Lenny Bruce: Because you're not gonna get here hiding yourself away in a club that technically doesn't exist.
Midge: I'm not hiding.
Lenny Bruce: You sure as fuck are hiding. So what you got dumped by Baldwin? Who gives a shit? Go get another gig. And another and another.
Midge: So I'm just supposed to get fired from one job after another?
Lenny Bruce: Yes! If that's what it takes.

Lenny Bruce: Listen to me. I have made a lot of mistakes and I am gonna keep making a lot of mistakes, but one thing is crystal clear in my mind and it's what the endgame is.

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