The Book

Good Omens 1×2

Gabriel: Let us discuss my purchase in a private place, because I am buying, uh...
Sandalphon: Pornography?
Gabriel: Pornography. We humans are extremely easily embarrassed. We must buy our pornography secretively.

Gabriel: Human beings are so simple... and so easily fooled.

Gabriel: There's a lot happening. All good.
Aziraphale: All good?
Gabriel: Well, all going according to the Divine Plan. The Hell Hound has been set loose, and now the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are being summoned. Death, Pollution, Famine, War...

Crowley: I didn't mean to fall. I just hung out with the wrong people.

Witchfinder Major Pulsifer: Of what else is she accused?
Maggs: Predicting the future, mostly. She told Mistress Bulcock that Adultery would be coming to town.
Witchfinder Major Pulsifer: Such nonsense.

Witchfinder Major Pulsifer: She runs, I have heard tell, with no one pursuing her.
Maggs: Aye. She says running each morning in an unladylike manner around the village doth improve her health.
Witchfinder Major Pulsifer: Monstrous. Perhaps invisible demons pursue the witch as she runs.
Maggs: No, she says it's good for you. She said we should get more fibre in our diet. I told her, I said, it's hard enough picking out the gravel.
Witchfinder Major Pulsifer: Aye, she is obviously mad.

Witchfinder Major Pulsifer: But how can we be certain she is a witch?
Maggs: She cured me of the howling pox. And cured my son of the bloody flux.
Witchfinder Major Pulsifer: Obviously, a witch.

John Device: "Dear Mistress Nutter, we take great pleasure in enclosing your author's copy of your book. We trust it will sell in huge numbers, yea, and be reprinted even unto a second printing. Yours, Bilton and Scaggs, publishers." The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter.
Virtue Device: "Reminiscent of Nostradamus at his best." Ursula Shipton... What does this mean, John?
John Device: It means, Virtue, that even though Agnes is dead, we must study her book. For your mother knew the future.

Virtue Device: "Prophecy 2,214. In December 1980, an Apple will arise no man can eat. Invest thy money in Master Jobbes's machine, and good fortune will tend thy days." Oh, I mean, this is balderdash.

---

Anathema's Mother: Okay, 2,213.
Anathema Device: "Four shall ride, and three shall ride the sky as two, and one shall ride in flames, and there shall be no stopping them. Not fish, nor rain, neither devil or angel. And ye shall be there also, Anathema."
Anathema's Mother: You see? She's got special plans for you, mi amor. Agnes gave us the easy job. We just had to make sure everything was good for the family. You're the one that's going to have to save the world.

Madame Tracy: Come in, dear. You're lucky. One of my regulars had to cancel. Now, I don't do anything kinky except by prior arrangement. And my knees aren't what they were. Also, if it's strict discipline you'll be wanting, you'd better tell me now because it can take me half an hour to squeeze into the leather pinny.
Newton Pulsifer: I'm sorry?
Madame Tracy: Are you not here for intimate personal relaxation and stress relief for the discerning gentleman?
Newton Pulsifer: No. I'm here to join the Witchfinder Army.

Wensleydale: Did you know that my cousin Charlotte says that in America, they have shops that sell 39 different flavours of ice cream.
Pepper: There aren't 39 different flavours of ice cream! There aren't 39 flavours of ice cream in the whole world.
Brian: There could be, if you mixed them up. You know, strawberry and chocolate... Vanilla and chocolate. Chocolate and vanilla... Strawberry and vanilla and chocolate.

Wensleydale: Actually, there are no more witches, because we invented science and all the vicars set fire to the witches for their own good. It was called the Spanish Inquisition.
Adam Young: I don't reckon it's allowed, going round setting fire to people. Otherwise people'd be doing it all the time.
Brian: It's alright if you're a vicar and it stops the witches from going to hell.

Crowley: It should have worked.
Aziraphale: Ah, but evil always contains the seeds of its own destruction. No matter how well-planned, how foolproof an evil plan, no matter how apparently successful it may seem upon the way, in the end it will founder on the rocks of iniquity and vanish.
Crowley: For my money it was just an ordinary cock-up.

God: Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft are written by men.

Aziraphale: You know, we might get another human to find him.
Crowley: What?
Aziraphale: Humans are good at finding other humans. They've been doing it for thousands of years. And the child is partly human. Other humans might be able to sense him.
Crowley: He's the Antichrist. He's got an automatic defence thingy. Suspicion slides off him like... whatever it is water slides off.

Crowley: So we tell our respective operatives to look for the boy?
Aziraphale: Unless you have a better idea?
Crowley: Ducks!
Aziraphale: What about ducks?
Crowley: They're what water slides off.

Aziraphale: Sorry, right number!

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