Hard Times

Good Omens 1×3

Crowley: What's all this about? Build a big boat and fill it with a travelling zoo?
Aziraphale: From what I hear, God's a bit tetchy. Wiping out the human race. Big storm.
Crowley: All of them?
Aziraphale: Just the locals. I don't believe the Almighty's upset with the Chinese. Or the Native Americans. Or the Australians. Yet. And God's not actually going to wipe out all the locals. I mean, Noah, up there, his family, and his sons, their wives, they're all going to be fine.
Crowley: But they're drowning everybody else? Not the kids? You can't kill kids... Well, that's more the kind of thing you'd expect my lot to do.
Aziraphale: Yes, but when it's done, the Almighty's going to put up a new thing, called a "rain bow", as a promise not to drown everyone again.
Crowley: How kind.
Aziraphale: You can't judge the Almighty, Crawley. God's plans are--
Crowley: Are you going to say "ineffable"?

Crowley: Oy! Shem! That unicorn's going to make a run for it... Oh, it's too late. It's too late! Well, you've still got one of them.

Aziraphale: I'm not consulted on policy decisions, Crawley.
Crowley: Oh, I've changed it.
Aziraphale: Changed what?
Crowley: My name. "Crawl-y" just wasn't really doing it for me. It's a bit too... squirming-at-your-feet-ish.
Aziraphale: Well, you were a snake...

Aziraphale: So, what is it now? Mephistopheles? Asmodeus?
Crowley: Crowley.

Aziraphale: Did you, uh... ever meet him?
Crowley: Yes. Seemed a very bright young man. I showed him all the kingdoms of the world.
Aziraphale: Why?
Crowley: He's a carpenter from Galilee. His travel opportunities are limited... Urgh! That has got to hurt... What was it he said that got everyone so upset?
Aziraphale: "Be kind to each other."
Crowley: Oh, yeah. That'll do it.

Aziraphale: Crawley-- Crowley? Well... Fancy running into you here. Still a demon, then?
Crowley: What kind of stupid question is that, "Still a demon"? What else am I going to be, an aardvark? Salutaria.

Aziraphale: But, my dear fellow... well, they'd check. Michael's a... bit of a stickler. You don't want to get Gabriel upset with you.
Crowley: Oh, our lot have better things to do than verifying compliance reports from Earth. As long as they get the paperwork, they seem happy enough. As long as you're being seen to be doing something every now and again.

Crowley: Apparently, I have to ride a horse. Hard on the buttocks, horses. Major design flaw, if you ask me.

Crowley: We've done it before. Dozens of times now. The arrangement—
Aziraphale: Don't say that!
Crowley: Our respective head offices don't actually care how things get done. They just want to know they can cross it off the list.

Aziraphale: Please. No. Dreadful mistake, discorporating me. Oh, it'll be a complete nightmare... Animals!
Crowley: Animals don't kill each other with clever machines, angel. Only humans do that.

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Aziraphale: I got peckish.
Crowley: "Peckish"?
Aziraphale: Well, if you must know, it was the crepes. You can't get decent ones anywhere but Paris. And the brioche.
Crowley: So you just popped across the Channel during a revolution, because you wanted something to nibble? Dressed like that?
Aziraphale: I have standards... I'd heard they were getting a bit carried away over here but—
Crowley: Yeah, this is not getting carried away. This is cutting off lots of people's heads very efficiently with a big head-cutting machine.

Aziraphale: Why are you here?
Crowley: My lot sent me a commendation for outstanding job performance.
Aziraphale: So all this is your demonic work?
Crowley: No. The humans thought it up themselves. Nothing to do with me.

Aziraphale: Well, I suppose I should say thank you for the, uh, rescue.
Crowley: Don't say that. If my people hear I rescued an angel, I'll be the one in trouble. And my lot do not send rude notes...

Aziraphale: The unsold copies of The Nice and Accurate Prophecies were destroyed by the publisher, which is, well, all of them. It never sold a single copy. But... I found the publisher's catalogue for 1655, and it does list one of Agnes Nutter's prophecies.
Mr. Harmony: What was it?
Aziraphale: Her prophecy for 1972. "Do not buy Betamax."
Mr. Glozier: Who is Peter Max?

Anathema Device: We can see auras.
Adam Young: And they are?
Anathema Device: This coloured forcefield surrounding someone. Everyone's got one. And I can look at its strengths and colour and tell you how you're feeling.
Adam Young: That's brilliant. Why don't they teach us about them at school?
Anathema Device: Because school is a repressive tool of the state.

Adam Young: So, what else don't they teach us at school?
Anathema Device: They're clubbing baby seals... They're cutting down the rain forest so you can get a cheap hamburger... Watch out for genetically modified food... Don't get me started on global warming... And that's because whales have huge brains, and they're hunting them for no reason... Nuclear power stations...

God: It might have helped Anathema to understand what was going on, if she understood the very simple reason why she couldn't see Adam's aura. It's for the same reason that people in Times Square can't see America.

Aziraphale: But there doesn't have to be another war, does there?
Gabriel: As much as we appreciate your hypotheticals, Aziraphale, I'm afraid we have other things to do. The Earth isn't going to just end itself, you know.

Waiter: Your main course, madam. Chicken froth on a reduction of broccoli gel with a mushroom foam. And the chef recommends that you have this first. A balloon filled with lavender-scented air. It is the first course.
Famine: It just occurred to me. I've never seen a room full of rich people so hungry before.

God: He's a businessman with a chain of restaurants. And he's about to launch something new. Food-free food.
Famine: Artificial bun. Artificial burger. Fries that have never seen a potato. Foodless sauces. And... we're rather proud of this: a completely artificial dill pickle.
Frannie: The shake doesn't contain any actual food content either.
Famine: Well, nobody's shakes contain any actual food content.

Frannie: Press this button when you hand over the Chow. And don't call it "food". It's Chow.
— Chow-brand unfood contains spun, plaited and woven protein molecules designed to be ignored by your digestive enzymes, no-cal sweeteners, oil replacements, fibrous materials, colourings and flavourings. Chow is an edible substance and must not be confused with food. Eating Chow can help you to lose weight, hair and kidney functions. May cause anal leakage. Enjoy your meal.

Crowley: Have a nice doomsday.

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