The Clue

Good Omens 2. Chapter 2

Crowley: See, I have a permit.
Aziraphale: A permit? From whom?
Crowley: From God.
Aziraphale: Oh... You see, it's not that I mind jokes.
Crowley: Oh no, no, no, no, no. No, no jokes. These goats belong to Job, right?
Aziraphale: Yes, Job. Who is, I might add, a particular favorite of God, so...
Crowley: Shall I summarize? Satan and his diabolical ministers... may destroy everything Job owns, no questions asked. Hugs and kisses, God.

Muriel: Yep, that's all fine!
Aziraphale: Good heavens. What did he do?
Muriel: Job? Nothing. Job's the nicest man in the world. That's why he's so perfect for the bet.
Aziraphale: The bet?
Muriel: Yep. You see, God was saying how righteous Job was and how much Job loved God. - And Satan pointed out... that maybe that was just 'cause God's been so nice to him. Anyway, long story short, God's letting Satan destroy everything Job has. And then we'll see.

Muriel: Oh, nothing important, no. Just his farm, his camels, his goat, his oxen, his children, his geese...
Aziraphale: His what?
Muriel: His geese. You know, big cross ducks.
Aziraphale: His children?!

Aziraphale: ... Oh! Oh, I see. Well, oh well, that's alright then.
Gabriel: Of course it is. Trust in God's plan, Aziraphale. Always.
Aziraphale: Of course, of course. So, once Job's trials are over, um, everything is restored to him?
Michael: Even better than that. God will reward him with twice as much as he had before.
Aziraphale: Oh, praise be.

Michael: Twice the oxen, twice the goats, twice the children.
Aziraphale: Twice the... twice the children?
Gabriel: Yes, of course. How many does he have now, three? So, he'll get six!
Michael: Uh, probably... seven. You know how God likes sevens.

Aziraphale: Um, I only meant, are we sure that Sitis [who is 58] wants to give birth four more times?
Michael: Seven more times.
Aziraphale: But, well, she's already got three children, so...
Michael: Yeah, but those ones will be dead.

Aziraphale: I think they quite like the old ones. And, and if... if we kill them.
Gabriel: Aziraphale... we are the good guys. Okay? We're not killing anyone. What we are doing is simply not stopping hell. What they do is up to them.

Gabriel: "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." That goes under I.

Shax: You're in trouble.
Crowley: Obviously. Former Demon, hated by Heaven, loathed by Hell. How will our hero cope?
Shax: Are you making fun of me?
Crowley: Would you know if I was?

Shax: Help us, and we will be grateful. And otherwise... you'll be disliked by Heaven, hunted and eliminated by Hell... So you do understand I'm threatening you?

Crowley: You mean like a sudden rainstorm forces them together beneath a canopy? They look into each other's eyes... And realize they were made for each other?
Aziraphale: Sounds a bit unlikely.
Crowley: No, no, no. No. No. Get humans wet and staring into each other's eyes, vavoom, sorted. I saw it in a Richard Curtis film.

Aziraphale: You remember Jane Austen?
Crowley: Yeah. I'm not gonna forget her in a hurry, am I? The brains behind the 1810 Clerkenwell Diamond Robbery. Brandy smuggler. Master spy. What a piece of work.
Aziraphale: She wrote books. Novels.
Crowley: Jane? Austen?
Aziraphale: Yes!
Crowley: Whoa, bit of a dark horse. Novels, eh?
Aziraphale: Yes. They were very good.
Crowley: Well. No, I'm just surprised, that's all. You think you know someone...

Aziraphale: Come on! I want to show you the Clue!
Crowley: Whatever you've found out, don't call it a "Clue".
Aziraphale: But it is a Clue.
Crowley: Well, at least don't pronounce the capital letter.

Crowley: Jane Austen. Wrote books too... You people, I will never get the hang of you lot.

Aziraphale: I'm sorry Jim. But you've done awfully well. Have a rest now.
Crowley: Your boss said that to Job, do you remember?

Job: Sorry, you've... you've come at rather a bad time.
Crowley: Well, yeah, yeah, so I can see. What happened?
Job: God has forsaken me and delivered me to demons.
Crowley: Oh! You must be furious?
Job: I burn with fury!
Crowley: Course you do. After all your devotion to God...
Job: Not at God! Fury at myself.
Crowley: Yourself? Why, what have you done?
Job: I don't know. And how sunk in sin must I be not only to deserve all this, but not even to know why.

Crowley: So, the kids. Where are they?
Sitis: Oh. Not now Bildad the Shuhite. Good of you to look in, but we're a tiny bit busy weathering the wrath of God.

Aziraphale: Crowley! You don't have to destroy Job's children.
Crowley: Last time we met you seemed pretty confident I couldn't destroy Job's goats.
Aziraphale: Yes. I was wrong. Technically you can, but...
Crowley: Oh, then technically I will.
Aziraphale: But you don't have to! That's the point.
Crowley: Surely the great thing about being a demon is you can do whatever you want. Mm, you sound jealous, angel.
Aziraphale: Certainly not. I get to do what God wants.
Crowley: Like killing innocent children to win a bet with Satan?

Crowley: I want to. I long to destroy the blameless children of blameless Job, just as I destroyed his blameless goats.

Aziraphale: Are you... drinking human wine? It's the source of drunkenness.
Crowley: Isn't it just? Mmmm... Very promising little vineyard. Yeah alright, you don't drink. Try the food, though. You can't get drunk on food... Go on. Have an ox-rib.
Aziraphale: Are you trying to tempt me?
Crowley: Not at all. Angels can't be tempted, can you?
Aziraphale: Certainly not.
Crowley: Well, there you are then. You're free to try the food.
Aziraphale: ..... Oh, I say.
Crowley: Cheers.

Aziraphale: Come on! You're a little bit on our side.
Crowley: Not even the littlest.
Aziraphale: Well, you're not on Hell's side.
Crowley: I go along with Hell as far as I can.
Aziraphale: So whose side are you on?
Crowley: My side.
Aziraphale: Gosh. Well, that sounds...
Crowley: What?
Aziraphale: Lonely.

Crowley: Whose side are you on?
Aziraphale: God's, of course!
Crowley: Oh, really? The same God that wants me to whack the kids?
Aziraphale: Yes. But...
Crowley: Yeah... That's just how it started for me. See you in Hell.

Crowley: Is God actually...
Aziraphale: I think so.
Crowley: ...talking to him?
Aziraphale: I don't suppose he's getting any answers.
Crowley: No. But just to be able to ask the question...

Sitis: What did God say?
Job: Um... I'm not sure. I didn't understand much. Things too wonderful for me. Ostriches came into it.
Sitis: Ostriches?
Job: And whales. God's very proud of the whale. Went into some detail about... how great whales are.
Sitis: They explain?
Job: I think the point was, if you want answers, come back when you can make a whale.
Sitis: And the children? Did They mention the children?
Job: No.
Sitis: No...

Gabriel: "It was the day my grandmother exploded."

Gabriel: "It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife." Whatever that is.

Gabriel: "It was a nice day." That's more like it.

Aziraphale: I'm a fallen angel! I lied. To thwart the will of God.
Crowley: Well yeah, you did, but... I'm not gonna tell anybody. Are you? No. Then nothing has to change, does it?
Aziraphale: .... But what am I?
Crowley: You're just an angel who goes along with Heaven as far as he can.
Aziraphale: That sounds, um...
Crowley: Lonely? Yeah.
Aziraphale: But you said it wasn't.
Crowley: I'm a demon. I lied.

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