The Arrival

Good Omens 2. Chapter 1

Crowley: Okay, here goes. Let there be matter, let there be gravity, let there be everything from pages... 11 to 3,000,602 inclusive.....
Aziraphale: Is something meant to happen?
Crowley: Oh, right, sorry, yes, yes. I knew I'd missed one. Let there be light!

Aziraphale: Oh. You made it all yourself?
Crowley: Ah, well, I mean, more or less. I wasn't... I wasn't, um... I wasn't the original concept designer, but I worked very closely with upstairs on it.

Aziraphale: So, what's it for?
Crowley: How do you mean?
Aziraphale: Well, what exactly does it all do?
Crowley: Oh, right. Well, what doesn't this beauty do? Basically, it's a star factory. All the dust and gas you can see, it's actually building about 5,000 young stars and protoplanets. Most of the universe of stars will come pre-aged, but these ones are only starting out. A few million years to bake... and then boom, stars everywhere!
Aziraphale: Oh, that's nice.

Aziraphale: You know, the current word from upstairs is that we'll be shutting this all down again in about 6,000 years.
Crowley: But that's nothing! Oh. What's the point in creating an infinite universe with trillions of star systems if you're only gonna let it run for a few thousand years? The engine won't have properly warmed up by then.

Aziraphale: The impression I get is that the stars and your um...
Crowley: Err, call it a nebula.
Aziraphale: Right. Well, they exist just so that the people can look up into the night sky and marvel at the illimitable vastness of The Almighty's creation.
Crowley: But that's idiocy! It's the universe, it's not just some fancy wallpaper! Millions of galaxies, trillions of stars, oodles of... everything! It's not just put here to twinkle! Most of it won't even be visible from Earth. Why don't you put Earth in the middle of the universe so the view's better?

Crowley: Someone has to say, "Look, boss, this is a really, really terrible idea."
Aziraphale: Well, I suspect that would be considered... inappropriate.
Crowley: Well, I don't suppose anyone could object to me putting a note into the suggestion box...
Aziraphale: I don't believe The Almighty has actually created a suggestion box. And furthermore, I don't think it's our place to start suggesting that there should be a suggestion box.
Crowley: Well, if I was the one running it all, I'd like it if someone asked questions. Fresh point of view. You can't just create a universe, run it for a few thousand years, and then stop!

Aziraphale: ...look, word to the wise, I'd hate to see you getting into any trouble.
Crowley: Mm, thanks for your help. And thanks for your advice. I wouldn't worry though. How much trouble can I get into just for asking a few questions?

Maggie: You can't just forgive me eight months' rent!
Aziraphale: Oh, I can. I'm very good at forgiveness. It's one of my favorite things.

Shax: Was it always this easy?
Crowley: Easy?
Shax: I keep planning complicated strategic strikes to spread misery and panic among the humans, and just as I'm about to put one into motion, they come up with something themselves which is so much worse than anything I could have thought of.
Crowley: Yeah. Always this easy.

Shax: If I learn anything that you might find useful, I'll tell you, and in return, you'll tell me what I need. Got anything for me?
Crowley: Frozen peas.
Shax: What?
Crowley: That's what you feed ducks. Frozen peas. They love them, and it's good for them too.

Gabriel: What...
Aziraphale: What am I doing here?
Gabriel: Yes.
Aziraphale: Well? What are you doing here?
Gabriel: I don't know. That's why I asked.
Aziraphale: You don't know?
Gabriel: No, but I would love to find out. Oh, it would also be great to know where here is, and also who you are, and also who I am.
Aziraphale: And also, why you're naked.
Gabriel: Who told you I was naked?

Aziraphale: Why did you come to my shop?
Gabriel: I don't know. I just thought I should. You know what it's like when you don't know anything at all, and yet you're totally certain that everything would be better if you were just near one particular person?
Aziraphale: No. Certainly not. I have no idea what that feels like.

Gabriel: James. Long for Jim, short for Gabriel.

Crowley: Basic demon on Earth stuff. Either call on the phone and talk, or appear mysteriously. Don't do both.
Shax: Why not?
Crowley: Trust me.
Shax: Righto.

Crowley: Right, what's the problem?
Aziraphale: Problem? Who said there was a problem?
Crowley: Tone of voice. You have three reasons for calling me: you're bored, you need to tell someone about something clever you did before you pop, or something's wrong. This was your "something's wrong" voice.

Nina: Hello. Can I get you anything?
Crowley: Take a big cup, put six shots of espresso into it, nothing else.
Aziraphale: That sounds fun. Does it calm you down?
Crowley: Not really.
Aziraphale: Nina, what do you sell that calms people down?
Nina: Eccles cakes?

Crowley: He is not our friend.
Aziraphale: I don't think he really has any friends.
Crowley: Exactly.
Aziraphale: Yes, exactly.
Crowley: What does your exactly mean exactly? I feel like your exactly and my exactly are different exactlys.

Crowley: Just breathe, that's what humans do... then they count to ten before they do anything stupid!

Beelzebub: Well, wherever he is, you find Gabriel for me and you can have whatever your nasty little heart desires. You could be a Duke of Hell.

Beelzebub: I'm hearing that anybody they find involved in this affair will be dealt with.
Crowley: How?
Beelzebub: Extreme... sanctions.
Crowley: That isn't actually a thing. That's just something we used to joke about to frighten the cherubs.

Crowley: I'm back.

Crowley: You want a big, "I think I said the wrong thing," sort of apology, or can we take that as said?
Aziraphale: I'd like the apology, actually.

Aziraphale: I want a proper apology.
Crowley: No.
Aziraphale: With the little dance.
Crowley: I don't do the dance.
Aziraphale: I did the "I was wrong" dance in 1650, in 1793, 1941...
Crowley: Fine! You were right, you were right, I was wrong, you were right. Okay?

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