The Miserable Mill: Part One

A Series of Unfortunate Events 1×7

Violet: We're almost out of the woods...
Lemony Snicket: "Out of the woods" is an expression referring to the fact that woods are dangerous places to be.
    In Hansel and Gretel... two siblings enter the woods and are menaced by an elderly cannibal.
    In Little Red Riding Hood, a wolf enters the woods and is menaced by a rude little girl.
    And in Walden, a poet enters the woods and is menaced by revelations that we should abandon civilization and live by a pond...
    It is for that reason that "out of the woods" has come to mean "a return to safety, away from menace and disturbing revelations." I am sorry to say while Violet was right in that the Baudelaires were almost out of the forest... they were far from out of the woods.

Klaus: What if we don't like what we find? Knowing can be a terrible thing.
Violet: But not knowing, isn't that worse?

Klaus: What exactly are we looking for?
Violet: It's like Father said about fine art. We'll know it when we see it.

Charles: Well, this lumbermill is hardly a safe place for children. And I should know, I run it. I'm Charles.

Charles: Uh, children, I'd like you to meet...
Sir: Call me Sir. Everybody does 'cause I tell 'em to. I'm the boss. They have to do what I say, even my partner here.
Klaus: Doesn't "partner" mean "equal"?

Lemony Snicket: Well, in fact, "partners" can mean several things. It could mean "two people who own a lumbermill together, or a cupcakery." Now, with the advent of more progressive cultural mores, not to mention certain High Court rulings, it could also mean...
Sir: I do all the work. He irons my clothes.
Charles: I also cook your omelets.
Lemony Snicket: The definitions are not mutually exclusive.

Sir: I'm an important man. Don't make me repeat myself.

Klaus: We're orphans.
Phil: Lucky you! The unsupervised life. No rules, no curfews.

Phil: I know things seem dark. But you have to look on the bright side... So your parents burned down towns. You don't have to be like your parents. My parents were Olympic athletes and look at me. I work in a lumbermill!

Lemony Snicket: ...the Baudelaires could tell that their new coworker was an optimist... a word meaning "person who thinks hopeful thoughts about even the bleakest situation." For example, if an optimist were to have his right arm bitten off by an alligator, he might say, "Oh, boy, half-price manicures for life." Whereas the rest of us would say, "Ah, my arm!" "Optimist" is not to be confused with "optometrist," a word meaning "healthcare professional who performs eye exams." Though both can be dangerous.

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Count Olaf: You've changed your hair.

Lemony Snicket: Morning is an important time of day, because how you begin your morning can often tell you what kind of day you're going to have. If you wake up in a mansion to a butler serving you blueberry pancakes and fresh-squeezed orange juice... your day will probably be wonderful. If you wake up in a lumbermill to the sound of metal pots banging together...

Flacutono: Hurry up. It's log day.

Count Olaf: Oh, Georgina, I missed this. You, me, an evil scheme, a little death...
Dr. Orwell: La petite mort.
Count Olaf: You know I love it when you speak Spanish.

Klaus: In the book The Great Gatsby, there's a famous sign shaped like a pair of eyeglasses.
Phil: Does it represent an optometrist?
Klaus: It represents the eyes of God staring down and judging society as a moral wasteland.
Phil: Oh, that sounds like a fun book.

Phil: See? Perfectly friendly.
Dr. Orwell: Well, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
Klaus: Actually, you catch the most flies with manure.
Dr. Orwell: Aren't you smart? It's just an expression. A fancy way of saying you're more likely to get what you want by acting in a sweet way, than in a distasteful way, like vinegar.

Phil: Inordinate? What... what the heck does that mean?
Klaus: It can mean many things. Immoderate, irregular. But in this case, I think it means you missed me a lot.

Flacutono: Baude-liars!

Lemony Snicket: I beg you, turn this program off now. Imagine this story has a happy ending. You can pretend the woman at the door is the Duchess of Winnipeg, and she's come to throw the Baudelaires a pony party at her chateau. Or you can pretend that she's a butler with a tray of blueberry pancakes, or a loving parent that you thought you'd never see again... But if you choose to watch on, let me warn you, the misery does not end here.

Lemony Snicket: ...if you choose to look this misery in the eye, you should be asking one question. It's the same question that the Baudelaires should've asked, my beloved Beatrice should've asked on the day that she died. And that question is... where is Count Olaf?

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