The Reptile Room: Part One

A Series of Unfortunate Events 1×3

Lemony Snicket: My name is Lemony Snicket, and it is my sworn duty to carefully research the dire plight of the Baudelaire orphans. But there is no reason for you to make yourself as miserable and melancholy as I am. If I were you, I would look away before viewing any of the horrible and horrifying events that comprise this ghastly new episode... in the Baudelaires' unfortunate lives.

Lemony Snicket: ...It had been a disaster. It had been a catastrophe. And the worst of it was that the villainous Count Olaf was still at large, a phrase which here means that the authorities had not caught him and would not catch him for a very long time.

Klaus: How exactly is Dr. Montgomery related to us?
Mr. Poe: Dr. Montgomery is, let me see, your late father's cousin's wife's brother.

Klaus: His name is Montgomery Montgomery?
Mr. Poe: Yes, yes. And I'm sure he's very sensitive about that, so please don't ridicule him. "Ridicule" means "tease."

Violet: Nice to meet you, Dr. Montgomery.
Dr. Montgomery: Please, call me Monty. I don't like fancy titles unless they get me a discount at the movies.

Lemony Snicket: ...when the story of the Baudelaires becomes too upsetting for me, when it becomes absolutely overwhelming, it is useful to stop for a moment of contemplation, uh, with a cup of tea or some other powerful beverage.

Klaus: But it's called the incredibly deadly viper!
Dr. Montgomery: Yes. It's a misnomer. Do you know what that means?
Klaus: "A very wrong name"?
Dr. Montgomery: Well, a very fitting definition.

Lemony Snicket: There is a type of situation which occurs all too often in the story of the Baudelaire orphans, called dramatic irony. Simply put, dramatic irony is when a person makes a remark, and someone who hears it knows something, which makes the remark have a different, usually unpleasant, meaning. Uh, for example, if I were to say, "I can't wait to eat this almond cookie," but there were people around that knew the almond cookie was poisoned, that would be dramatic irony. For that reason, when we hear Uncle Monty tell the children...
Dr. Montgomery: I promise you, no harm will come to you in the Reptile Room.
Lemony Snicket: ...we should be on guard for the unpleasant arrival of dramatic irony.

Broken-hearted crocodile: Woe is me.

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Dr. Montgomery: Klaus Baudelaire, I have a feeling there are many things that you're going to see that you've never heard of before. Life is a conundrum of esoterica.

Klaus: Well, a conundrum is a mystery. And esoterica are obscure objects or documents.

Count Olaf: Never is a very long time.

Count Olaf: Baudelaires! I've brought you a present. It's very sharp.

Dr. Montgomery: Uh... so let me understand this. You are my new assistant, sent to me even though I didn't ask for one, by the Scientific Society Seeking to Soothe Stress and Suffering.
Count Olaf: Yes. "SSSSSS" for short.

Klaus: So what are we gonna do? Call the authorities?
Dr. Montgomery: What does H-A spell?
Sonny: "Ha!"

Dr. Montgomery: For now, Baudelaires, we'll be watchful and wary, which is a word that around here means "very careful."

Count Olaf: In all honesty, I prefer long-form television to the movies. It's so much more convenient to consume entertainment from the comfort of your own home.

Count Olaf: If I wanted to harm you, orphan, your blood would be streaming out of this car like a waterfall...

Count Olaf: No, I am not going to harm a hair on any Baudelaire head. At least, not on purpose. But accidents happen all the time, don't they?

Dr. Montgomery: Seventh row, right of center, that is the best place.

Dr. Montgomery: There's more to a movie than just a movie. Just like a book can contain crucial secrets about the world of snakes, or it can be used to prop open a refrigerator door when you're airing it out.

Count Olaf: Subtitles? This movie is boring already.

Klaus: If the movie's in English, why are there English subtitles?
Dr. Montgomery: All the best movies have subtitles.
Klaus: But that still doesn't explain...

Count Olaf: I think you-know-who is trying to send a you-know-what... Hello? Am I... A message.

Mother: Any idea where this tunnel lets out?
Father: I'd say judging by the barometric pressure and watery winds... somewhere south of Winnipeg.
Mother: ..... Peru.
Father: Like I said. South of Winnipeg.

Count Olaf: Terrible ending. The villagers should have been eaten, like in Citizen Kane.

Uncle Monty: Sweet dreams. And tomorrow... Peru.

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