A Series of Unfortunate Events 1×5
Veronica: Good evening, and welcome to Lachrymose News, where things that are happening keep happening until they stop.
Lemony Snicket: If the story of the Baudelaire orphans were a weather report, there would be hardly any sunshine to be seen. Instead, there would be cloudbursts of unhappiness. Blizzards of despair. Misery in the form of sleet storms. Various cold fronts of terror. Horror. Attacks of allergies. Not to mention the threat of a devastating hurricane lurking just off the map.
Mr. Poe: Remember, you can always rely on us at Mulctuary Money Management.
Mr. Poe: Delicious peppermints! My second favorite candy when I was a boy. You can eat them in the taxi on the way to meet your dowager aunt.
Violet: What's that?
Mr. Poe: Oh, Violet, I'm surprised at you. A girl your age should know that a taxi is a car that takes you someplace for a reasonable fee.
Klaus: "Dowager" is a fancy word for widow.
Violet: Thank you.
Taxi driver: Does anyone need a ride somewhere for a reasonable fee?
Taxi driver: I hope your Aunt Josephine has enough food and supplies when Hurricane Herman arrives. It's supposed to be a doozy. I'm gonna sit it out in a cabin with the works of Herman Melville and a large pot of vegetarian chili.
Taxi driver: You know, what's interesting is the storms in Herman Melville's work are more metaphorical, or even allegorical, rather than the naturalistic style of someone like Thoreau, if you know what I mean. The shore represents our tenuous hold on the earthly nature of mortal existence, and the turbulent waters represent the villainy and troubles in our own lives.
Count Olaf: Solitude... Blissful contemplation of my inward eye.
Count Olaf: I am married to the sea, but my girlfriend is a large lake.
Violet: It's like we're standing on the edge of a precipice with no idea what lies below.
Lemony Snicket: Still, standing on a precipice is better than slipping on a precipice, or falling over a precipice. So, before things get worse, I would advise that you take note of the three words the Baudelaires were about to find on Aunt Josephine's front door...
Klaus: "Please go away."
Aunt Josephine: Of course I'm sure. Although, I prefer the word "certain."
Aunt Josephine: "Delmo"? What do you mean by "delmo"? I consider myself an expert on the English language, and I have no idea what the word "delmo" means.
Aunt Josephine: I apologize, children. It is grammatically incorrect to end a sentence with the word "and," but I get so upset when I think about Ike...
Aunt Josephine: Grammar! It's the greatest joy in life, don't you find?
Klaus: Aunt Josephine, what does grammar have to do with developing secret codes?
Aunt Josephine: Uh, you used the wrong tense, Klaus. It's a common grammatical error. You should have said, "What did grammar have to do with developing secret codes?"
Klaus: What did grammar have to do...
Aunt Josephine: Absolutely nothing.
Violet: You don't talk about that? Or you won't?
Aunt Josephine: This is one of those rare grammatical instances where "don't" and "won't" mean the same thing.
Aunt Josephine: Those were fierce and formidable days. But I don't talk about that, and you won't hear about that.
Aunt Josephine: There are many, many things to be afraid of in this world. The safest strategy is to be afraid of them all.
Lemony Snicket: I'm sure you know there are two kinds of fears: rational and irrational. Or, in simpler terms, fears that make sense and fears that don't.
Lemony Snicket: ... But a fear of real estate agents, a term which here means "people who assist in the buying and selling of houses," would be an irrational fear because nothing sinister has ever come from the real estate market...
Aunt Josephine: It's a curious thing, the death of a loved one. It's like climbing the stairs to your room in the dark, thinking that there's one more stair than there is. And your foot falls through the air, and there is a sickly feeling of dark surprise.
Klaus: Aunt Josephine, this is not a sea captain. This is Count Olaf.
Aunt Josephine: Klaus, I am shocked!
Violet: It's true!
Aunt Josephine: I am shocked at your grammar. You can't say, "This is Count Olaf." The proper sentence is, "He is Count Olaf."
Count Olaf: My name is Captain Sham, and my home is the sea.
Count Olaf: See? I have my own business card.
Aunt Josephine: "Captain Sham's Sailboats. Every boat has it's own sail." Oh, Captain, you have made a serious grammatical error here... This card says "it's," I-T-apostrophe-S. That always means "it is." You don't mean to say "Every boat has it is own sail." You mean simply I-T-S, as in "belonging to it." It's a common mistake, but a dreadful one.
Count Olaf: Well, you're just a heap of facts, aren't you, Klaus? Facts and facts and facts and facts! But none of them do you any good.
Aunt Josephine: Oh, thank you, Captain Sham!
Count Olaf: Please... call me... Julio.
Count Olaf: Now, let's get a fried egg in you, madam.
Count Olaf: Come now, Josephine. Our romantic ride in the back of a taxi awaits.
Violet: Remember what Mother said? "Do the scary thing first..."
Klaus: "And get scared afterwards."
Lemony Snicket: The expression "You can't lock up the barn after the horses are gone" was a favorite of a woman who meant a great deal to me, even after she was trampled. The expression simply means that sometimes even the best of plans will occur to you when it is too late, just as all of us are far, far too late to be of any help at all to the Baudelaires...
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