The Vile Village: Part One

A Series of Unfortunate Events 2×5

Lemony Snicket: If the story of the Baudelaire orphans was a car trip, it would be unpleasant, uncomfortable, and interminably long.

Lemony Snicket: It is the Baudelaires' destiny to arrive here. But you could be someplace else. And within moments, you'll most certainly wish you were...

Mr. Poe: "It takes a village to raise a child." What a lovely, lovely aphorism. An aphorism is a phrase that can sound mysterious, but, in fact, is very wise.

Mr. Poe: Instead of having one guardian, who could be murdered or end up in cahoots scheme with a villain, you'll have hundreds of people caring for you all at once. What could go wrong?

Mr. Poe: I'm delighted to tell you the Baudelaires are now yours—
Count Olaf: That was easy.
Mr. Poe: Yours and everyone else's. I've delivered them to this town's aphorism-based guardianship program, It Takes a Village. Mazel tov!
Count Olaf: L'Heimlich!

Count Olaf: Okay. Last call. Anything else I can get you aside from the check?

Mr. Poe: Enjoy the communal raising of children. My wife and I decided to raise Edgar and Albert on our own. It took one trip to a kibbutz to realize that... Gesundheit.

Count Olaf: I do not want one more speck of dust invading the nostrils of the nose of the woman I love.
Esmé Squalor: I love when you talk about my mucus membranes.
Count Olaf: Oh, I'm not sure which I love more, your membranes or your mucus.

Count Olaf: This is a small town filled with regular folk. We need to blend in with plain, normal, upstanding, heartfelt, decent, simple, dependable, respectable people... The bonnet might be a bit much.

Esmé Squalor: Ciao. Hello. Greetings, VFD. My name is Officer Sabrina Pepper Anastasia Marigold. But you may call me Officer Luciana, your new chief of police.

Hook-Handed Man: What do we supposed to do now?
White Faced Woman #1: That's the trouble with small towns.
White Faced Woman #2: Once you infiltrate the police force, there's nothing much to do.
Bald Man: Vandalism?

Count Olaf: Welcome to the Firehouse Saloon. I have extremely pricey beverages which you have to pay cash for.
Jacques Snicket: I'll take a tall glass of Justice on the rocks... with a garnish of Your Wicked Schemes Stop Here.
Count Olaf: We're all out. But I can pour you a double shot of You'll Never Take Me Alive.

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Hector: It's a mile away as the crows fly.
Klaus: You mean "as the crow flies," the shortest distance between two points.
Hector: No, literally, I mean as the crows fly.
Klaus: .... Awesome! That's a word that means inspiring awe.

Count Olaf: Trapped... Caught like a trap in a rat.

Lemony Snicket: There are many expressions to describe someone who is going about something in the wrong way. "Making a mistake" is one way. "Screwing up" is another, although it is a bit rude. "Attempting to rescue Lemony Snicket by writing letters to a congressperson instead of digging an escape tunnel" is a third way, although it is a bit too specific. But there is one expression that describes the Baudelaires' situation perfectly, and as soon as the murder of crows embarked on their morning migration... the Baudelaires saw that they were barking up the wrong tree.

Lemony Snicket: All over the world, people tell themselves doing chores is useful, just as they tell themselves that an apple is as delicious as a cookie or that television is an important cultural art form...

Jacques Snicket: It's not an eye. Look closer. It's three letters...
Violet: "VFD."

Jacques Snicket: Listen, I may need some help after all. Ever break a man out of prison?
Klaus: How hard can it be?
Jacques Snicket: That's the spirit.

Count Olaf: I'm tired of books, Snicket. The world is dark and horrible. You know what makes it brighter?.. Sapphires.

Jacques Snicket: If you reinvestigate your ethical priorities, you could help repair the world instead of filling it with smoke.

Count Olaf: I thought having prisoners would be fun. But it's like having a pet or an in-law. You can lock them up, then you have to feed them.

Lemony Snicket: There is a word to describe a large number of crows. It is not a pleasant word. It is full of sorrow and sadness... A large number of crows is called a murder.

Count Olaf: They said... "Count Olaf has been murdered."

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