The Ersatz Elevator: Part One

A Series of Unfortunate Events 2×3

Lemony Snicket: The episode you are about to watch, assuming your eyes are open and tilted towards me, is a story which can teach you the difference between the word "nervous" and the word "anxious." The word "nervous" simply means "worried about something." The way you might feel if you were served prune ice cream, because you'd be worried it would taste awful... The word "anxious," on the other hand, means "troubled by disturbing suspense." The way you might feel if you were served a live alligator, because you'd be troubled by the disturbing suspense of whether you would eat your dessert or it would eat you...

Mr. Poe: It's a good likeness of a very bad person.

Doorperson: Sorry about the lighting. Dark is in.
Violet: In what?
Doorperson: Just in.

Doorperson: The elevator is not out of order. It's just out. I'll phone the penthouse and tell them to expect you within the hour...

Klaus: ...We're in the dark.
Lemony Snicket: The phrase "in the dark," which I'm sure you know, can refer to not only one's shadowy surroundings, but also to the secrets which might be surrounding you too.

Lemony Snicket: Every day, the sun goes down over all of these secrets, so everyone is in the dark in one way or another. If you are sunbathing in the park, for instance, but you do not know about the deep and dangerous pit nearby, then you are in the dark even though you are not actually in the dark. If you are on a midnight hike knowing full well that several ballerinas are following you, then you are not in the dark even though you are in the dark. Of course, it is quite possible to be in the dark in the dark, as well as to be not in the dark not in the dark. But there are so many secrets in this world that it is likely that you are always in the dark about something, whether you're in the dark in the dark or in the dark not in the dark. So you'll eventually fall into the deep and dangerous pit dug by several ballerinas, which is dark in the dark in the park.

Jerome Squalor: Alcoholic martinis are out and aqueous martinis are in.
Violet: Aqueous martinis?
Jerome Squalor: It's just cold water in a fancy glass with an olive in it.

Jerome Squalor: You know how it is... You get older. You find different interests. You marry a woman who despises all of your old friends... But there's no need to discuss such unpleasantness.

Esmé Squalor: Children, here are things you should know... Dark is in, light is out. Stairs are in, elevators are out. Pinstripe suits are...
Klaus: In.
Esmé Squalor: In. Yes. Those horrible clothes you're wearing are out.

---

Count Olaf: ...they will starve to death like castaways on desert island or vegetarian restaurant, please.

Esmé Squalor: Oh! Let's not talk about depressing things like others being kidnapped. Let's talk about exciting things happening to me, like the In Auction we're planning...

Esmé Squalor: Of course, all the money goes to a good cause.
Jerome Squalor: Aw! Which good cause?
Count Olaf: Me.
Esmé Squalor: Me. Every last penny goes to me.

Jerome Squalor: Shouldn't we give the proceeds to those who need it? Perhaps those starving people we were reading about?
Esmé Squalor: Starving people can't eat money. Plus, if we give money to poor people, they won't be poor, and we won't have anyone to feel sorry for.

Count Olaf: In my country, children do not interrupt married couple and foreign man turning tricks!

Jerome Squalor: Say cheese!
— Gorgonzola!

Olivia: I am talking about the parade of tsuris that has plagued the Baudelaires, the Quagmires, and who knows what other orphans, whose affairs you are supposed to be vice president of. "Tsuris" means "trouble" in Yiddish.
Mr. Poe: I know what "tsuris" means.

Olivia: I have taken an unpaid sabbatical from my job as a school librarian to come to the city and investigate. Frankly, the more I read, the more confused and upset I become.
Mr. Poe: The same thing happens when I read. It's why my wife and I prefer to curl up on the sofa and watch a few episodes of streaming television.

Esmé Squalor: Vodka martini? Are we living in garbage?

Esmé Squalor: Look at this place. Daily Punctilio says it's the innest thing since that bakery on 9th Street.
Violet: Café Salmonella?
Esmé Squalor: You're going to love the theme...

Jacques Snicket: My brother once said suspicious activity is like good jazz. We'll know it when we hear it.

Larry Youe-Waiter: Salmon bread served with salmon butter distilled from the head of a freshly caught salmon.

Lemony Snicket: The life cycle of the salmon is not unlike the life cycle of human beings, in that it begins in cozy circumstances, gets progressively colder, and often ends in suffering and tragedy.
Larry Youe-Waiter: Now this salmon here was burned alive.

Lemony Snicket: One of the most difficult aspects of a salmon's life cycle is when they swim upstream to spawn, a word which here means "spend quality time with the salmon they love most." Swimming upstream is a very difficult thing to do, because you are swimming against the current.

Esmé Squalor: Eating too much food for too much money is the essence of civilization.

Eleanora Poe: Every journalist knows when a foreign man gives you a tip, you should believe him without question.

Violet: You nervous?
Klaus: I'm anxious. I'm not sure if I'm ready to do this.
Violet: Me neither. If we wait until we're ready, we'll be waiting the rest of our lives.

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