Midnight at the Concord

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel 2×5

Moishe: Now, give these free clothes to all the workers... Maisel and Roth gave them all those brand-new, slightly damaged but perfectly good free clothes.
Shirley: Yes, that's why we don't tip.
Moishe: You don't tell people that, Shirley.
Shirley: Well, people wonder. An explanation never hurts.

Buzz: Simon says spin like a dreidel.

Susie: It's been a real suck my donkey dick kind of day, boy.

Midge: Oh, my day's been crazy. This morning was waffle breakfast day, which is very popular, and people get nuts. You have to rush the condiment table really quick if you want to get your topping before your waffle gets cold. After waffles, I lost $2.00 to Dorothy Kulgberg at ping-pong. Took a class on how to do a Cleopatra eye, which I soon discovered is one look I cannot pull off. Then, right before I fucked up Simon Says, I had to rush back to the cottage to get my brother and sister-in-law's room ready for their arrival, and I completely lost track of time and missed my pastels class.

Rose: Have you ever taken a bus?
Midge: No, but how hard can it be? Get on and sit. I can get on and sit.

Abe: I play to win. And to win, I need information. I need to determine my best angles, velocity, wind resistance...

Moishe: Listen to me, you mashugana alta kaka. You do not tell me what I should know! I know! I want what I paid for. You hear me, you goddamn schvantz? Hold on. Hello, putz. You cheating, lying... No, no, no, don't even try to... Abi gezunt dos leben ken zikh ale mol nemen. I will not retract that!

Benjamin: I have tickets to a Broadway show... Tomorrow night. New play, a patient gave them to me.
Midge: So you work on the barter system?
Benjamin: People think if they buy me things, I'll work harder to keep them alive.
Midge: Are they right?
Benjamin: Yes.

Benjamin: Your shoes match your purse. How does that happen?
Midge: Witchcraft.

Midge: I've never walked out halfway through a play before. I feel a little dirty, like... like, we could go back in and we're not. I feel so grown up, so alive.
Benjamin: Wait till you throw your program in the trash.

Midge: He's brilliant. He gets arrested for the things he says. Can you imagine? Arresting a comedian.
Benjamin: Anyone who makes people think for themselves is very dangerous.
Midge: Deep.
Benjamin: I am very deep.

Midge: Right now I'm up in the Catskills.
Lenny Bruce: Borscht Belt, huh? You know, what, uh, resorts are you playing?

Lenny Bruce: Does he know?
Midge: Know what?
Lenny Bruce: That you've been corrupted. Lured to the dark side of the microphone.

---

Midge: Uh, some quick menu tips: great sandwiches, good soups, stay away from the Italian specialties, unless you like mediocre Greek food.

Midge: I'm a comedian. I'm a standup. I do comedy. I go to clubs at night and tell jokes. Like Lenny Bruce.

Susie: I looked all over this nightmare place trying to find you. I went to bingo and bunny hop and color your face. Nowhere. I went to the beauty parlor, and the indoor skating rink... a skating rink, in the middle of summer! What group of total and complete assholes needs a skating rink in the middle of summer?! How the fuck did these people make it out of the desert to begin with?!

Midge: Okay. I'll be there.
Susie: Be there.
Midge: I just said I'll be there.
Susie: Because if you're not there, in my travels today, I found a lot of places I could hide your body with minimal digging. Understand?

Astrid: So I went to Chinatown and I bought this herbal paste that you're supposed to put on during certain times when certain things are happening or supposed to be happening or are probably happening to most people anyway, but theoretically, when things could be happening, just to someone else but never to me, you put it on.
Midge: Ugh, it's so strong. It's like a mixture of ammonia and Esther's diaper.
Astrid: So you put the paste on, which I did, and then a month later, you're supposed to get pregnant. They didn't tell me about the smell. I don't think... they might have. They're Chinese.

Susie: What are you doing? Are you counting?
Midge: I just want to know how much bigger this room is than any other room I've ever played in my entire life.
Susie: Who gives a shit if it's a bigger room? It's still just a room. It's the same audience. There will be dumb people and drunk people and loud people and people throwing up in the corner. Just... more than you're used to.

Melvin: Dressing room's in the back. Get your makeup on. She better look funny!

Susie: Now, let's go find you a drink.
Midge: I don't need a drink.
Susie: Eh, place this big, you're gonna need a drink.

Susie: Big room is just more people to fall in love with you.

Midge: Here we are in the Catskills, and I'm starving. Where can you get a decent meal around here?.....

Midge: What kind of sadists feed you ten meals a day, then tell you to put on a fucking bikini and go find a husband?

Midge: My first everything happened in the Catskills. Everything...

Midge: ...my father looks like what you'd think a Columbia professor would look like. Lots of brown and tweed and plaid and a scowl of intellectual superiority because he is intellectually superior. He is very smart. My mother once told me that she pictured having sex with his mind on their wedding night so she didn't have to think about his penis. She did not say that!

Susie: Ha! That's the way to do it. You had them. You own them. No one in that audience is ever gonna be the same.

Susie: Are we in trouble?

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On the IMDb
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+ Guide to Mrs. Maisel’s Best Catskills References