All Alone

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel 2×10

Madame Cosma: I don't know why you'd wear a black cocktail dress to a wedding, but... whatever.

Abe: Humor is very important in our house, Benjamin. If you are going to marry Miriam, you will have to learn that... Because to Miriam, almost everything in the world is a joke. I had to stop watching the news with her. Guggenheim, the name of the museum, caused 20 minutes of uncontrolled giggling. Why? Who knows. That's just Miriam.
Benjamin: I will learn to laugh, sir.
Abe: You're going to need a lot of closet space.
Benjamin: I have seen the hats.
Abe: There will be a lot of activity. Things will shift quickly. Your reality, your vacation plans. And God knows what those children will be like when they grow up. I cannot vouch for them.
I will not hold you responsible.

Abe: It's awfully quick, your courtship. Anything I should know that will certainly kill her mother?

Moishe: What is your life, anyhow?

Joel: Remember, pal, you have to look where you're aiming when you use the urinal.
Ethan: Why?
Joel: Because if you keep hitting the floor and the counter and the ceiling, no girl's ever gonna marry you, and Mrs. Moskowitz is gonna leave your daddy, so we'll both be alone. .... I thought you had to go to the bathroom.
Ethan: Not fun now!

Rose: Miriam, please. You can't wear white. It's a second wedding. You can wear champagne.
Midge: I don't want to wear champagne. It's not a color. It's what happens when white gets sad.

Rose: I'm sorry. Second weddings are subtle, dignified. No big halls or lavish dinners. Second weddings mean 40 guests and a luncheon at home with scrambled eggs.
Midge: Wow. What's the third wedding mean?
Rose: Third wedding means I'm dead.

Abe: And what was the punch line?
Midge: Now I'm wondering, does my father not know how to go to the bathroom?
Abe: Okay.
Midge: And if that's true, who taught me?
Abe: I get it.
Midge: Because my mother never goes to the bathroom.
Abe: That's enough.
Rose: I heard my name!
Abe: No, you didn't.

Jackie: You fucked up. You went off, you made things worse. Now you got to go eat some shit to make things right for Midge.
Susie: Midge wouldn't want me to eat shit.
Jackie: Doesn't matter what she wants. You're the manager. You go to do what's best for your client.
Susie: I don't like this side of you, Jackie.
Jackie: What side?
Susie: Rational. It's freaking me out.

---

Jackie: Look, one thing I know about, even more than carpentry, and this is from personal experience... in life, sometimes you got to eat a whole lot of shit. Piles of it. More shit than you can imagine. If you took a pack of wolves with stomach issues, and locked them in your apartment for a month, and then came home with a spoon, that's the amount of shit I'm talking about.
Susie: Thank you for the vivid imagery.
Jackie: Life is basically an all-you-can-eat shit show.
Susie: You're disgusting.
Jackie: Yup, but I'm right.

Joel: My mother of all people... she told me to stop waiting around. Well, here you go, Ma. You win!
Archie: Mothers always win. Three kids!

Joel: Probably should have thought about that before we started.
Archie: So many things we should have thought about before we started...

Abe: She made a joke about the record I was playing at home, and that is all. She's a comedian. They humiliate their families onstage. That's their job.

Abe: She's a comedian! And a girl. What kind of risk could she possibly be?
Charles: If I told you that, then I would be a security risk.
Martin: And if I listen to that, then I would be a security risk.

Abe: And if you ever threaten my daughter again, I will punch you right in the nose! It won't hurt. I'm not strong. But, at the very least, you will be embarrassed that you got punched in the nose by a not-strong mathematician. You really want to mess with me? Go ahead. Take your best shot. And then you will find out what Abe Weissman is truly made of...

Bobby: Are you crazy? You can't say that onstage.
Midge: Say what, "change purse"?
Bobby: "Pregnant."
Midge: I can't say "pregnant"? Are you kidding?
Bobby: Nobody wants to hear that word.
Midge: Well, I know they don't want to hear it in the context of "Guess what, I'm pregnant. Who gets to tell your wife?"
Bobby: Any context. It's foul.
Susie: It's foul? The guy before her talked about getting dick fungus.
Bobby: That was funny. This is female stuff. It's private.
Midge: It's real! It's life. Literally.
Susie: She can talk about whatever she wants to. It's her act.
Bobby: Nope. Here she tells jokes. You want to talk about your female parts, you go see the obstrenician... ob... whatever the fuck. Not on my stage!

Midge: What's the matter?
Lenny Bruce: We can now add Chicago to the list of places that have a warrant out for my arrest.
Midge: What did you say?
Lenny Bruce: I talked about your friend having a baby... And the Pope fucking a three-legged duck. And interracial dating. And what does Marilyn Maxwell possibly see in Bob Hope.
Midge: That's what they got you for. The man is a national treasure.
Lenny Bruce: At this rate, the only place I'm gonna be able to work is Wyoming, and who knows what the people of Wyoming will do at the sight of their first Jew.

Lenny: Sometimes, I think, "Is it worth it?"
Midge: And, sometimes, I think, "No."
Lenny: I'm Sisyphus, without the fabulous hair and the loincloth, pushing that boulder up that hill over and over and over.
Midge: Try it in heels.

Susie: Okay, look, I came here to eat shit so just let me eat it.
Sophie Lennon: I thought my secretary told you to eat before you came...

Susie: What the fuck?!

Shy Baldwin: I saw you on that telethon and I thought you were sensational. ... I said to myself, "Why isn't that girl a star?" .... How would you like to open for me on tour?... It'll be six months. Three in the States, three in Europe. You'll do 30 minutes and a couple of bits with me. We leave in two weeks and you'll need a lot of new fancy clothes, which I will pay for.

Midge: I want a pink dressing room. Can you put that in my contract?

Abe: ....However, after much deliberation, Miriam, I have decided... to give Benjamin permission to ask for your hand. You may get married. Again.

Rose: So, what do we do? Move in with Miriam and Benjamin?
Abe: You'd really better sit down...

Midge: Tits up.
Lenny: Thanks... You'll explain that when I get back?
Midge: Yes, I will.

Midge: I just made a choice... I am gonna be all alone for the rest of my life. That's what I just decided in a five-minute phone call. Amazing, isn't it?

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