A Series of Unfortunate Events 3×6
Esmé Squalor: Sugar?
Kit Snicket: No, thank you. I always thought tea should be bitter as wormwood and sharp as a double-edged sword.
Olaf: Critic? Bah! We theatrical types should be complimented, not criticized.
Lemony: You'll find this interesting, Olaf. "Theatrical" is a word which here means "related to the theater," but it can also mean a person who is prone to fits of melodrama.
Lemony Snicket: The past haunts the present the way a ghost might haunt an opera house.
Lemony Snicket: You can get in my taxi. Sometimes when I'm in a dangerous situation, such as a public place where I'm being accused of a murder that I did not commit, I find it useful to get away quickly in a taxi.
Violet Baudelaire: We can't live on the run forever.
Lemony Snicket: It's not hard. You just have to evade the authorities, fake your death in an unreliable newspaper, and spend the rest of your days hiding out in a series of anonymous, interchangeable motels.
Klaus Baudelaire: Mother said laws are like sausages. If you learn how they're made, it can ruin your breakfast.
Esmé Squalor: Patience, darling. Mother used to say revenge is like making sausages. If you do it right, you can ruin someone's breakfast.
Mr. Poe: Everyone wears blindfolds to enter a High Court trial. Haven't you heard the expression, "justice is blind?"
Violet Baudelaire: Yes, but that just means that justice should be fair and unprejudiced.
Mr. Poe: Well, the High Court ruled that we should interpret that expression literally, so everyone must cover their eyes before the trial starts.
Esmé Squalor: Darling, justice is out. Injustice is in. That's why it's called injustice.
Mr. Poe: This is like the blind leading the blind, an expression that I just made up myself.
Klaus Baudelaire: It's already an expression. It means the people in charge don't know any more than the people following.
Mr. Poe: That hardly seems relevant.
Violet Baudelaire: It's hard to see anything with these blindfolds on.
Mr. Poe: Oh, what a lovely sculpture of a snake!
Mr. Poe: Don't be silly, Klaus. Justice may be blind, but the High Court ruled the evidence must be seen to be believed.
Justice Strauss: Go on, Baudelaires. Tell us your story....
Justice Strauss: I'm going to consult with my fellow judges, and if they agree, we can declare these unfortunate events over at last.
Violet Baudelaire: We call Count Olaf to the stand!
Count Olaf: You're not the innocent orphans you've let these people think you are. You've lied. You've stolen. You've abandoned people. You've set fires. Time after time, you have relied on treachery for survival, just like everybody else. Because here is the real truth that no one is willing tell you... There are no noble people in the world.
Violet Baudelaire: Our parents!
Count Olaf: Ha...
Count Olaf: Occupation?
Esmé Squalor: Single.
Jerome Squalor: Legally, we're still married!
Esmé Squalor: Single and loving it... Fabulously rich. Insanely attractive. The city's fourth most important financial adviser, or something.
Esmé Squalor: Please, darling, you can trust me to keep it safe. I'm rich and beautiful.
Lemony Snicket: Here, Esmé. You don't want to miss the penultimate scene. "Penultimate" is a word meaning "next to last."
Count Olaf: Who sings in the middle of a duel?
Count Olaf: Don't you want to know what happened next?
Klaus Baudelaire: What happened next?
Count Olaf: It was a slippery slope.
Esmé Squalor: Gasp for air and wail with anguish! A tingly sensation in your throats? That's the taste of my tingly, sensational revenge which, like justice and sausages, has been served cold!
Count Olaf: I'm innocent. I'm so incredibly innocent that the word "innocent" should be written on my face. The "I" would stand for "I'm innocent." The "n" would stand for "nothing wrong," which is what I've done. The "a" would stand for...
Klaus Baudelaire: That's not how you spell innocent.
Count Olaf: I'm sure spelling doesn't count.
Justice Strauss: Spelling counts.
Count Olaf: Well, then innocent should be spelled O-L-A-F, because that is how I plead.
Violet Baudelaire: This court is worthless and dishonorable! Two of those judges are working with Count Olaf!
Woman With the Hair But No Beard: That's absurd. Justice Strauss can tell you we've served on the High Court for many years.
Man With the Beard But No Hair: Although she can't tell you that now because she's just taken a vow of silence.
Man With the Beard But No Hair: Anyone taking off their blindfold will be arrested by the authorities.
Klaus Baudelaire: You can't trust the authorities.
Count Olaf: I will get my revenge on everyone, and volunteers and villains alike will perish in anguish!
Klaus Baudelaire: You'll die with them.
Count Olaf: Oh, no. I'll just push the Carmelita II off the roof and sail away.
Violet Baudelaire: You can't sail a boat off a tenstory building. The force of gravity would smash it to pieces!
Count Olaf: Well, then, I suppose I'll add gravity to my list of enemies.
Klaus Baudelaire: Sunny's right. If we warn people about the fungus, they might not listen.
Violet Baudelaire: They never listen, but if there's a fire...
Klaus Baudelaire: They might evacuate the building.
Violet Baudelaire: Justice Strauss, the law isn't always just. It isn't always good.
Lemony Snicket: However, I have learned the answer to the famous unfathomable question in the best-known novel by Richard Wright which asks, "Who knows when some slight shock, disturbing the delicate balance between social order and thirsty aspiration, shall send the skyscrapers in our cities toppling?" What this means is that a small event, like a man failing to give three children a ride in his taxi, could ripple and tremble, and bring down a building.
Lemony Snicket: Beatrice... I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you every Tuesday. I will love you as the iceberg loves the ship, and as the passengers love the lifeboat, and as the battlefield loves young men, and as peppermints love your allergies. I will love you as we grow older, which just happened and happened again, and will continue to happen. I will love you until every fire has been extinguished and every home rebuilt, and every code and heart has been broken. I will love you if you marry someone else, and I will love you if have a child, or two children, or three. Seems like a good number... I love you, Beatrice. I always will.
Beatrice: You've always had a way with words.
Beatrice: Please stay.
Lemony Snicket: That's not how this story goes...
Lemony Snicket: The story of Lemony Snicket would be long and lonely and incomplete. But this is not that story. This is the story of the Baudelaire orphans... and I am merely the person telling it. My name is Lemony Snicket, and it is my solemn duty to investigate the lives of the Baudelaire orphans... because if I do... I may be able to find them again.....
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+ Quotes on the IMDb
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