The Austere Academy: Part Two

A Series of Unfortunate Events 2×2

Carmelita Spats: Who can't be beat?
— A dead horse!

Lemony Snicket: "School spirit" is a curious term. The phrase might sound as if it refers to a ghost or other undead phantasm haunting an educational establishment like very old gum clinging to a trophy case... What "school spirit" actually refers to is the belief one particular school is better than another.

Count Olaf: "Settle down." How often I hear those words come out of people's ears and into my mouth... "Settle," a word which here means "settling for less," and "down," my personal least favorite direction. Let me tell you a story...

Count Olaf: Settling down is what losers do. Settling down started World War I. Settling down is what happens when you bite your lip, and your lip gets swollen, so you bite your lip again, and then you keep biting your lip over and over. I don't want that!

Count Olaf: I think this calls for a little democracy, my second favorite style of government.

Count Olaf: Students! Faculty! Don't worry if every exercise program you have tried has failed you, because I am here to fail you more by putting the "whip" back into "whip you into shape."

Count Olaf: You are a genius.
Vice Principal Nero: You're a genius for noticing.
Count Olaf: You're the genius for saying so.
Vice Principal Nero: You're a genius for agreeing.
Count Olaf: All right, I'm the genius.

Count Olaf: Genius ideas are simple, like the wheel or neurosurgery.

Jacques Snicket: Oh, and by the way, I believe it takes one to know one. Cake-sniffer.

Lemony Snicket: That night was indeed a dark day. All nights are dark days, because night is simply a badly-lit version of day. But a dark day also refers to a time when something terrible is going on.

Count Olaf: My whole life is going around and around in circles. Like those things a hamster plays on before you put it in the oven.

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Count Olaf: Good morning! Today is the first day of the life of your rest... First life of the rest of your day... Today... Today is the first day of the life of your rest. That's what I said. I said it the right way the first time.

Mr. Poe: Klaus, you can't argue with technology.
Count Olaf: Well said, Hat Stevens! You must be a very self-actualized person.
Mr. Poe: Well, I do eat a lot of yogurt.
Count Olaf: De-licious!

Count Olaf: Yes! Yes, let's hear it. I want your energy dumped on my head so it can run down my face like lotion.

Count Olaf: I feel it. Can you feel it, Caligula?
Vice Principal Nero: Nero.

Count Olaf: This school has a new kind of spirit energy. A sense of unity and joy which you usually cannot find unless you are at a birthday party or a public hanging.

Count Olaf: Hey, Gomorrah! Sass!
Mr. Remora: It's Mrs. Bass, and my name is Remora.
Count Olaf: We'll find out who's full of remora soon enough.

Lemony Snicket: Look away from this austere academy before it is too late. This episode in the lives of the Baudelaires is nearly over, but there is still time for it to get much worse.

Count Olaf: This reminds me of a story. Some time ago...

Lemony Snicket: ...This story ends the way all stories end. With the motto of Prufrock Preparatory School. That motto is "memento mori," and it means...
Count Olaf: Remember, you will die!...

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+ Origins (Изуверский интернат)