The Punishment Room

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel 2×3

Midge: There is no food and I'm literally starving.
Abe: You are not "literally starving."

Rose: Should we take a cab?
Abe: No, walking's faster.
Rose: When you're not in heels.
Abe: And you are not starving.
Midge: I am, too.
Abe: Then your muscle and tissue would be breaking down. Your abdomen would be distended. Your menstruation would cease—
Rose: Abe, stop!
Abe: She said she was literally starving!

Midge: Well, I've never been trained for coat check.
Mrs. O'Toole: Take coat, give ticket. Take ticket, give coat. Congratulations. You've been trained.

Vivian: Coat room?
Midge: Purgatory with a better view.

Midge: No one should have a less than perfect wedding.

Moishe: Look at this. The high ceilings, the tile floor, like the Vatican... Why would a fakakta bank in the tuchus of Brooklyn try to compete with the Pope?

Moishe: It's so open, so flaunting, so gentile.
Joel: Jews use the bank, too, Pop.
Moishe: Show me one. Hey! You a Jew?

Shirley: Mr. Curry, a question...
Joel: Cleary. Cleary.
Shirley: Is there gonna be another Great Depression soon? Is that something you can tell us?
Curren: If I could, I'd be the president of the bank or the United States.
Moishe: Step on enough Jews, you'll get there.

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Midge: Nuclear war. The nightmare, the horror... Oh, now, I'm not talking about dying in one. I'm talking about surviving and living in an underground bunker with your extended family until the radiation disperses... Mr. Khrushchev, have you met my family? If you're gonna hit us, comrade, fucking obliterate us.

Joel: He's denying us a line of credit. Told us there were too many "mitigating circumstances," which my father called the two most goyish words in the English language.

Midge: No. No. No. Mary, there's no light here. It's damp and lifeless. And there's a little girl crying in the corner. This is the Punishment Room. You can't have your reception in the Punishment Room... The walls are stained with tears.

Father O'Brien: Oh, I've known Mary all her life. I baptized her when she was just a week old.
Midge: Ah, well, I'm Jewish. When somebody dunks us in water, we call a lawyer.

Sister Saint Stephen: Father picked this color himself!
Midge: And it's a nice one. Yellow mustard... gas.

Midge: I'd suggest we say a prayer for him now, but your prayers and mine, they differ. Mine would be Mi Shebeirach. Mi Shebeirach avoteinu, Avraham, Yitzchak v'Yaakov... You'd like a lot of our stuff, Father. We've got some real barnburners.

Midge: ...And if a priest is gonna have sex, I think God would prefer it wasn't with a Jew. That's like putting mayonnaise on a bialy, you don't do it.

Abe: Simon, let me be clear. I would love her to quit. I don't like walking into a room, and my wife is there staring at some young guy's schlong... But you don't understand what we've been through. If she doesn't get to do this, she'll go back to Paris, and Paris is chock-full of schlongs. French schlongs. This would be very bad for me.

Abe: ....And I don't see a reason for her not to stay.
Rose: Oh, really? That's wonderful.
Abe: The only thing for me is I don't want her looking at a naked penis ever again.
Rose: Oh, I'd rather not look at that either. I think a fig leaf could be a very tasteful way to solve the problem. If you would pass that along, Simon...

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