The Trolley Problem

The Good Place 2×5

Chidi: This is an exciting day! We are going to tackle The Trolley Problem.

Chidi: What do you think about writing a rap musical about Kierkegaard?

Eleanor: Michael's not going to learn how to be a good person overnight. He's not even a person. He's just a bunch of evil shoved up the butt of an evil mannequin, you know. Teaching him to be good... it's like... teaching me how to be not hot. How would you even do it?

Chidi: But definitely a no on the rap musical? I mean, if we really...
    ♪ My name is Kierkegaard, ♪
    ♪ and my writing is impeccable. ♪
    ♪ Check out my teleological ♪
    ♪ suspension of the ethical— ♪

Chidi: In the last homework assignment, I asked you to examine the ethics of "Les Misérables," in which a man steals a loaf of bread to feed his starving family. Would you please read your first paragraph here?
Michael: "Everyone in this story sucks and belongs in the Bad Place. The thief is bad. The officer chasing him is bad. All the whiny prostitutes are bad. Plus, they're all French, so they're going to the Bad Place automatically."

Michael: Chidi, I've been around a long time... like, all of it. But I know for a fact that if you steal a loaf of bread, it's a negative 17 points... 20 if it's a baguette because that makes you more French.

Eleanor: I once had a brief fling with a non-famous Hemsworth brother, but even Larry Hemsworth had more status than Jason. Jason didn't even have a job... in a sad way, not in the good, rich way.

Michael: Again, just a simulation... an almost impossibly lifelike simulation.
Eleanor: Would someone's foot really fly off their body like that? That was kind of cool. Ethically speaking.

Michael: Trolley Problem version number seven. Chidi opted to run over five William Shakespeares instead of one Santa Claus...

Eleanor: You've been staring at the second page of this book for an hour.
Chidi: When I'm really upset, concentrating on a table of contents helps me calm down. It's like a menu, but the food is words.

Michael: Honestly, I don't get the appeal. Diamonds are literally carbon molecules lined up in the most boring way. They're worthless space garbage. What you're holding right now... that's basically meteorite poop.

Michael: ...And finally, Chidi. You were a tough nut to crack, but I think I figured it out. This is a replica of a lost notebook from the desk of Immanuel Kant. It contains never-before-seen thoughts and musings and several, uh... crude erotic doodles. Interesting guy, actually.

--
+ Quotes on the IMDb