The Funeral to End All Funerals

The Good Place 4×8

Chapter 47

Eleanor: Tell us what happened. Did we win, did we lose?
Tahani: Is humanity saved forever?
Jason: And did you find my Nintendo? I can't find it any... whoop. Never mind. I'm holding it.

Eleanor: Hang on. I worked my ash off running this neighborhood for a full year...

Tahani: Hang on. This is how we take our minds off the Judge's ruling. Let's throw ourselves the funeral to end all funerals.

Eleanor: We are here to celebrate the afterlife of Tahani Al-Jamil, in the place she felt most comfortable... the cabin of a Gulfstream G650 private jet.

Tahani: Jason, at the risk of getting an answer that might thoroughly depress me, what made you choose this setting?

Janet: I could see something special inside him that no one else could see. It was a multi-colored blob of positivity right behind his sternum. That's my Jason, a big, colorful, rainbow blob stuffed inside a hot, life-size action figure.

Eleanor: I gotta say it was nice to have a true dirtbag buddy so I could talk about what really mattered in life. Wrestling, semi-legal drugs, and Jason Statham.
Jason: Statham forever!

Shawn: If humans can't be good with their needs magically met, maybe they're just not that good.

Michael: ...so that's six people. That's the number of friends in "Friends." Are you gonna sit there and say that every single Friend belongs in hell? I mean, maybe Ross and Rachel, and Monica and Joey, and definitely Chandler... but Phoebe?...

Shawn: If he gets to bring in random good people into it, I should be able to bring in random bad people. Call up Elizabeth Holmes. No, Henry Kissinger. No... PewDiePie.

Michael: This is it, Your Honor. This is the whole story. No one is beyond rehabilitation.

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Eleanor: Chidi was a... rootin', tootin', rackin' frackin' varmint.

Eleanor: Canceling Earth... but doesn't seem a bit drastic?
The Judge: It's just too much of a mess down there, you know? I mean, the simplest solution is to erase everyone that ever lived and restart with a bunch of amoebas or whatever. Then human life will evolve again, or maybe even something better. Maybe this time they won't have baby teeth, you know? That whole thing is so weird, like they fall out and then the bigger teeth just grow out of that same hole. Gross.

The Judge: How are you guys surprised? I mean, what did you think was gonna happen if you won?
Michael: I don't know. I thought we could just give, like, give three points for eating an apple instead of two.

The Judge: Where did I put that human wiper outer thingy?...

Shawn: Wow, you won. And you still somehow failed. Classic.

The Judge: Michael, Shawn, Janet, see you in maybe a billion years. It has been one crazy ride, you guys.

Michael: Okay, so what's the plan? Plan, plan, plan. Step one, get a plan. Step two, do the plan. Yeah, yeah. This is working.

Eleanor: There is literally only one person here who is smart enough and thoughtful enough to save humanity. ... Designing a better afterlife is the ultimate ethical question.

Michael: You want to take the most indecisive man ever born, stuff him full of over 800 different versions of himself, and then tell him he has, like, 45 minutes to save humanity? You think that will go well?

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