Janet(s)

The Good Place 3×9

Chapter 36

Michael: Oh, Janet, you did it! You brought us into your void. If I had a heart, it would be pounding.

Chidi-Janet: Cool, cool. And when you say "void"...
Janet: Oh, I mean a sub-dimension outside of space and time at the nexus of consciousness and matter tethered to my essence. Does that help?

Chidi-Janet: I just want to lie down. Where is down?!?!

Michael: We're almost at the end, guys. Just stay here, keep Janet's heads on straight.

Chidi-Janet: This is nuts! We're in a void in the body of a white lady.
Eleanor-Janet: Not a lady!
Tahani-Janet: Not a lady, darling.
Jason-Janet: Well, we are white. Let's all say white people things! Billy Joel. I found it on Etsy. There was nowhere to park! Did you refill the Brita?

Neil: Can I just say, I really depreciate you coming. Huh?... A little bit of accounting humor.

Neil: Janet, can you remind me to laugh at that later?
Neutral Janet: Your amusement has been scheduled. End of conversation.

Chidi-Janet: The things you saw weren't part of my life, so they didn't happen to me.
Eleanor-Janet: What the hell are you talking about, man? Of course it was you. I saw it.
Chidi-Janet: Well, it was a Chidi, sure, but it wasn't me Chidi. This is a classic philosophical question. The concept of the self, or who we are. Philosophically speaking, there's the Chidi I am, who lived a certain life, and there's the Chidi you saw... your soul mate or whatever, who had some entirely different life. They're not the same Chidis.

Neil: So this is the main feed. Every action by every human on Earth is recorded and then sent here to be assigned a point value based on the absolute moral worth of that action. For example, a couple in Osaka, Japan, just decided to have a destination wedding. Negative 1,200 points. Oh, and it's a destination theme wedding. Negative 4,300. The theme's "Lord of the Rings..." They're basically doomed.

---

Neil: Ah, here's one. This means that someone has just done something which has never been done before.
Michael: "Richard Moore of Sugarland, Texas, hollowed out an eggplant and filled it with hot sauce and nickels."
Neil: And amazingly, it's not a weird sex thing. 99% of all new human behaviors are weird sex things. But not in this... oh, no, it is a weird sex thing, yeah.

Michael: Could we look at one specific file, though, just to make sure?
Neil: Oh, who do you want to see... Genghis Khan, Marie Antoinette? Walt Disney's got some freaky stuff in his file...

Chidi-Janet: I don't want to see those memories because, philosophically speaking, they're none of my business. They happened to someone else. Let me explain...

Chidi-Janet: Conceptions of the self. Let's start with John Locke, who believed that personal identity was based on having a continued consciousness... essentially, memory. Memories are links in a chain that together form a single self. If I can't remember what happened because it happened to a Chidi from another timeline, it's not a unified me.

Chidi-Janet: .... That leads us to Derek Parfit. Parfit said even if I have memories from an earlier time, that doesn't necessarily mean it was me. After all, if my brain was split in two and each half was put in a different person, which one is me? All I know is that other Chidi doesn't exist anymore, and this one does. So this must be the real Chidi.
Eleanor-Janet: And all I know is that you're just barfing Wikipedia all over everyone to avoid talking about your feelings.
Chidi-Janet: Let's talk about David Hume...

Neil: Look, mate, the points are indisputable. They have been since the beginning. "Og Gives His Rock to Grog." First ever act of human altruism. Og earned 10,000 points that day. Of course, then Grog used that rock to beat Og's brains in and lost a million points. The point is, the math is cold, objective, and airtight, and unless you can prove otherwise, I don't know how I can help you.

Matty: I just got 700 new Weird Sex Thing files in the last one second.
Neil: Oh, yeah, Burning Man just started. Buckle up, Matty. It's going to be a long week...

Chidi-Janet: So, in essence, Hume thought that we don't truly have a self. We're just a bundle of our ever-changing impressions—

Neil: No one. No one got in.
Michael: No one's gotten in for a year?!
Neil: Correct.

Michael: When was the last time someone got in?
Neil: The last time someone got enough points to get into the Good Place was... 521 years ago.

Jason-Janet: Hey, if we hear with our ears, why is it called "butt overhearing"?

Chidi-Janet: I got into philosophy to try to make sense of a world that almost never makes sense. And that was before I learned that I died and then un-died and then re-died. I just can't take one more thing.

Chidi-Janet: You're not Jason-Janet! You're Eleanor-Janet pretending to be Jason-Janet. That is so wrong and so confusing!

Michael: Neil, be logical. Not one Good Place resident in over 500 years? Not Jonas Salk? Not Harriet Tubman? Not one single Golden Girl? The Bad Place has hacked your system!

Michael: If he's not going to fix this, who is?
Janet: You, Michael. It has to be you. We keep wandering around these different realms expecting someone else to have the answer, but no one ever does. You're the guy, Michael. You're the only one who can fix whatever's wrong with the afterlife.

Eleanor: Nice work, bud. Did you mean everything you said, or did you just say it because the world was ending?

Eleanor: Where are we?
Michael: We're in the Good Place.
Eleanor: No offense, dude, but you have told us a lot of lies in the last 300 years. So, seriously, where the fork are we?... Fork. Shirt! Ash hole!.. Holy forking shirtballs. We're in the Good Place!

--
On the IMDb
+ Soundtracks