The ABC's of Beth

Rick and Morty 3x9

Rick: Come on, I-I-I put real elbow grease into this place.
Beth: Well, you're supposed to put elbow grease into your daughter!
Rick: Gross.

Rick: A dad makes a toilet look like R2-D2, and it breaks the front page of Reddit, but I'm Charles Manson because I gave you your own world instead of an iPad!

Summer: Wow, Dad. Your place looks way less like a crackhouse.
Morty: It's actually clean, like a cocaine house.

Rick: Huh. Well, here's the problem right here. We've got a bunch of Froopyland procedural carbons all gummed up and mixed in with real human DNA.
Beth: Are you saying Tommy survived here by having sex with Froopy creatures, creating Froopy-human hybrid offspring, and then consuming their proteins, sustaining himself with an endless cycle of cannibalistic incest?
Rick: It's just a working theory.

Jerry: I hate to see her leave, but I love to watch her phase shift away. I'm sure you noticed what she has three of, but guess what she has two of?

Summer: Are you rushing into a new thing to get back at Mom?
Jerry: Every weekend, you two have told me to move on!
Summer: Move on, like, out of bed. Like, stop using paper towels for toilet paper, not move on into a sloppy rebound.

Jerry: After all the time and energy I spent teaching you two about race... you ended up racist.

Beth: What are you doing?! We're in the middle of an adventure.
Rick: Here's some things an adventure needs, Beth. Conflict, stakes, a way for me to benefit, and, clearly, Morty.

Beth: You're gonna believe a play over your own daughter?
Rick: Yes, I am, Beth, because you're not my own daughter.
Beth: Oh, God, yes. I'm one of infinite Beths with infinite fathers in infinite universes. It's called a hug, Dad. It won't kill you.

Summer: You think or you know? I thought you were the alien expert, Isaac Asi-hole.

---

Summer: That's you, Dad! That's you! You're a baby and an idiot!
Jerry: I think that's been established, Summer. Now help me!
Summer: First, I want you to admit that you're a closet racist, a beta-male sexist, and you dragged everyone into a horrible situation by only thinking of yourself.
Jerry: Okay...
Summer: I want to hear you say it.
Jerry: Look... I'm a closeted racist, and I'm sexist and selfish, and I dragged us all into my sexist, racist bad things because I'm stupid.
Summer: Thank you.
Jerry: Now you're gonna help me, right?
Morty: She just did.
Summer: Yeah, clean up your own mess.
Jerry: Wait, wait, what?

Beth: Tommy, I'm sorry you think you deserve an apology— Oh, my God. I'm my father.

Jerry: I told her it was your fault.
Summer: What?!
Morty: What?!
Jerry: Look, I'm not an evil person. I'm just not very imaginative!

Beth: Dad? I feel like I've spent my life pretending you're a great guy and trying to be like you. And the ugly truth has always been...
Rick: That I'm not that great a guy and you're exactly like me.
Beth: Am I evil?
Rick: Worse. You're smart.

Rick: When you know nothing matters, the universe is yours. And I've never met a universe that was into it. The universe is basically an animal. It grazes on the ordinary. It creates infinite idiots just to eat them... Smart people get a chance to climb on top, take reality for a ride, but it'll never stop trying to throw you. And, eventually, it will. There's no other way off.

Beth: Dad, I'm out of excuses to not be who I am. So who am I? What do I do?
Rick: My advice... Take off. Put a saddle on your universe. Let it kick itself out.

Beth: I can't do that. The kids, Jerry, my job, and, as much as I hate to admit it, ABC's "The Bachelor."...
Rick: I can make a clone of you, a perfect instance of you, with all your memories. An exact copy in every way. It'll love and provide for the kids, do your job, and consume broadcast-network reality TV on the same allegedly ironic level as you. You could be gone a day, a week, or the rest of your life with zero consequences. The moment you decide to come back, I flip a switch, and the clone's job is done. It feels no pain, it regrets nothing, and has zero chance of going "Blade Runner."
Beth: I don't know if I can do it.
Rick: Then stay, and luxuriate in a life you can finally know you've chosen. My secret bonus is that no matter what you choose, you're finally gonna chill the [bleep] out.

Jerry: I... I'm not an evil person. I'm lazy, I'm cowardly, and... and I do not know what I'm doing. Look, I got someone pregnant at 17. We're getting a divorce. None of this is on purpose...

Kiara: I would expect nothing less from humanity... a selfish, manipulative, dishonest species that...

Morty: Dad, you just got handed an Ex Machina. You're taking it.

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