The Rickchurian Mortydate

Rick and Morty 3x10

Rick: So, you're mining stuff to craft with and crafting stuff to mine with?
Morty: Uh-huh.
Rick: Did your dad write this game?
Morty: Mean.

Morty: Kennedy Sex Tunnels?
U.S. President: Naturally, you'll forget you saw them, along with, in order of national embarrassment, the Truman Cocaine Lounge, the McKinley Hooker Dump, and the Lincoln Slave Coliseum. He didn't free them all.

U.S. President: Now tell me about this summit. Is it a peace one or a regular one?

Morty: It's lame.
Rick: You're into lame stuff, Morty. I thought young dumb people considered it an honor to work for presidents or whatever the shit.
Morty: Maybe the first few times, but this just sucks. He treats us like Ghostbusters.

Rick: Let's set some boundaries with a spoiled control freak that thinks he runs the world and orders drone strikes to cope with his insecurity.

U.S. President: "Treats us like Ghostbusters." So, Ghostbusters aren't cool now? I don't recall signing that bill.

Rick: Is this game popular with autistic people?
Morty: Why would you say something like that?
Rick: 'Cause I'm starting to love it.

U.S. President: I got you on satellite!... That's right. What do you have to say for yourselves?
Morty: Okay, obviously, this looks bad, Mr. President—
Rick: I mean, what doesn't look bad through an illegal spy satellite?

U.S. President: Wouldn't go well? Can you elaborate?
Rick: I think one of your 1,000 laws says, no, I can't elaborate. Just trust me. None of us want to go there.

Morty: By the way, we'll keep on saving the Earth. You know, we're... We're happy to do that.
Rick: Yeah, but not because it contains America... Because moving to a new version of Earth is a bitch and a half.

Rhonda: Sir, what is our new Rick and Morty policy?
U.S. President: Our policy is, we never needed them and never will again. Today, we celebrate our independence from Rick and Morty.

Morty: What about this?
Rick: South Park did it 4 years ago, Morty.
Morty: They're fast.
Rick: Or we're slow.

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U.S. President: Is this supposed to be painful?
Rick: Painful to watch.
Morty: Oh, such lame shrinking.
Rick: Oh, his clothes stay the same size?
Morty: '70s shrinking, party of one.
Rick: Eat my shrinking ass!

Rick: I made Sanchez-eum up, dumbasses. Don't believe everything you read on Wikipedia.

Beth: Am I the clone? Did the real me choose to leave, and I only think I chose to stay because that's what I need to think because I'm the replacement Beth?
Rick: ...No.
Beth: Okay... And one more thing. If I were a clone, would you tell me?
Rick: Beth, you know, when... When smart people get happy, they stop recognizing themselves. And you are very smart because you're very much my daughter.
Beth: Oh, God. You're right. I'm sorry. Thank you, Dad.
Rick: All good?
Beth: Totally. I'm fine now.
Rick: And just to be sure, you're not pretending to be convinced you're real because you're actually convinced you're a clone and you're now terrified that becoming self-aware would mean I'd have to terminate you?
Beth: ...No.
Rick: Okay. Glad I could help. See you soon.
Beth: .....Aaaaaah!

Rhonda: You need to call a press conference.
Hairy General: Israel and Palestine have announced a permanent ceasefire.
U.S. President: What?!
Hairy General: They signed something called. "The Pretty Obvious If You Think About It" accord. Apparently, an anonymous American diplomat took them to a "Star Wars" cantina, where they smoked perspective-enhancing alien pheromones through a laser hookah.
Bald General: I still say it has to be Putin.

U.S. President: Arrest them!
Rick: Son, you have a right to refuse his order, and I guarantee you're going to die if you touch me, and there's no afterlife. Everything just goes black. Don't do it—
U.S. President: Whoa, Rick! What was that?
Rick: Death.
U.S. President: What kind?
Rick: Instant.
U.S. President: There was no sound. He just died.
Rick: Yeah, terrifying. It's a terrifying thing to watch happen. It's called a deterrent.

Rhonda: You couldn't just knock him out?
Rick: How is knocking out a deterrent? Everyone wants to be knocked out. Nobody wants to be dead.

Rick: You don't know what I am! And you don't know what I can do! I'm Doctor Who in this [bleep]!! I could be a clone. I could be a hologram. We could be clones controlled by robots controlled with special headsets that the real Rick and Morty are wearing while they're [bleep] your mother!

Beth: ... But now, reliving it, all I can feel is how lucky I am to be loved by such a simple, honest, simple man.
Jerry: Simple twice.
Beth: This isn't the woman you married, Jerry, because this woman loves you.
Jerry: Uh... well, vive la différence. Okay. That was lame.

Rick: Submit! Submit for the selfie!

Morty: Rick, did you tell my mom she might be a clone?
Rick: No! I told her she wasn't!
Morty: Well, isn't that what you'd tell a clone?

U.S. President: The office of the President can't coexist with a living god that won't submit to it... I mean, besides Poseidon. But he's locked up in Area 51 already, so that doesn't really count.

Rick: Mr. President, I'll make you a deal. If you let me use your ghetto-ass off-brand deficit-tripling teleporter, I can go take care of something, and you'll never see me again.

Rick: You win, Jerry. You win! No amount of genius can stop your dumb mediocre vacuous roots from digging into everything and everyone around you and draining them of any ability to fend you off.
Jerry: Well, it couldn't have been easy for you to say that. I appreciate it.

Rick: Ugh! Nobody gets it. Nothing you think matters matters. This isn't special. This... This is happening infinite times across infinite realities.

Beth: Dad, you can't talk to Jerry that way anymore. We're a real family now. In many ways, things will be like season 1 but more streamlined. Now Jerry and I are happily married parents, and the idea that I was motivated by a fear of you leaving can be eschewed.
Summer: Eschewed? You've never used that word. Maybe you are a clone.
Beth: It's not like Rick would tell us. Hahaha!
Rick: ......

Noob Noob: Ooh-wee! See you for Season 4 in, like, a really long time! I might even have a big white Santa Claus beard and... and... and a... And a couple of grandkids and all that kind of stuff. See you... See you then!

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