Two and a Half Men 1x3

Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell

& Charlie: You’re bringing vermin into my house?!
    Jake: Uncle Charlie, check him out! Isn’t he awesome?
    Charlie: Yeah.
    Jake: See those little black things?.. That’s his poop.
    Charlie: Awesome.

& Charlie: I thought we’d go out and have a drink.
    Alan: You want me to leave my son with the whack job who’s been stalking you since your one night stand?
    Charlie: You try and find a baby-sitter on a Friday night.

& Rose: It’s okay, Alan. Charlie and I talked and I understand that we’re just friends, and that it is not okay for me to sneak into his house and lick all his silverware.

& Alan: I had a good time.
    Charlie: Oh, really? Which part did you like best? The equatorial heat, the endless lines, or the large German woman that threw up on me in the Teacup?

& Charlie: It’s okay. We can get Jake another guinea pig.
    Alan: Jake will be fine. This is his fourth Porky in three years. He goes through them faster than shoes. No, this is about my life. Everything is going to hell.
    Charlie: Okay, well, don’t cry. We can still be friends.
    Alan: What?!
    Charlie: I’m sorry. It’s the only thing I know to say when someone cries around here.

& Charlie: Toss him in the ocean... Very clever... Who knew pelicans eat guinea pigs?

---

& Alan: You’re right. This is Judith’s fault. She’s the one who breached our marriage contract asunder*. And I let her make decisions that should have been in my dominion.
    Charlie: Alan, people are gonna do whatever they’re gonna do in this world. The only thing a man can control is his own actions. ... I don’t remember where we left our car.

& Alan: I am going home to my wife to impose my dominion over her.
    Charlie: Yeah. The lesbians love that.

& Alan: I wish I could ask Dad for advice....
    Charlie: You’d go to Dad for marriage counseling?! Alan, our father committed suicide to get away from our mother.
    Alan: What’re you talking about? Dad didn’t commit suicide. He died of food poisoning.
    Charlie: I maintain that he knew the fish was bad, but he kept eating it anyway.

& Charlie: Okay, that’s it. We have a new destination. Beverly Hills.
    Cab driver: You got an address?
    Charlie: Just go east on Sunset until you reach the Gates of Hell.

--- Dict:
asunder — пополам; на части; порознь

+on Imdb.