Two and a Half Men 1x2

Big Flappy Bastards

& Alan: I need you to be my eyes and ears.
    Charlie: Okay, but you have to be my liver and prostate.

& Jake: Whoa, whose is this?
    Alan: Charlie, you want to field that one?
    Charlie: No problem. Jake, sometimes when you have a casual sexual relationship...

& Alan: Charlie, she kissed me. This wasn’t the kiss of a woman who just wanted her garbage disposal unclogged.
    Charlie: Well, you know her plumbing better than I do.
    Alan: You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna let her come to me. You know, be detached, play it cool. You know?
    Charlie: Yeah. That’s your home-run swing.

& Charlie: What am I supposed to do when he ignores me?
    Alan: You punish him. You take away his computer, his TV, his toys.
    Charlie: You already took away all the good stuff. What am I supposed to take away? His bronchial inhaler?

---

& Jake: So, you’re not still mad about the seagulls?
    Charlie: I’m still mad. I just figured out a better way to deal with it.
    Jake: Well, I think this is a very good way.
    Charlie: Me, too. I’m buying you all this stuff, but as punishment for letting seagulls in my house, you can’t play with it for a month.
    Jake: A month?!
    Charlie: Pretty smart, huh?
    Jake: It’s not fair!
    Charlie: You know what this is?.. The world’s smallest violin.

+on Imdb.