Preacher 1×1

Pilot

& African Preacher: BE... QUIET!!!

& African Preacher: I... am the prophet. I am the chosen one.

& Donnie: I just Abe Lincoln-ed that squirrel! Pop to the back of the head!

& Jesse: So, bring me a beer and maybe I’ll do some of those things to your daddy. How hurt you want him?.. How far do I go? One punch? Two?..
    Problem is, your daddy’s a big fella. Imagine a couple punches just gonna make him mad. He’s gonna fight back. Then his buddies are gonna want to help out. I’ll need to defend myself. Things will escalate. That’s what these things do. They escalate. And violence... makes violence. It makes nothing much at all. Is that what you want, kid?...

& Chris: Help how?
    Jesse: I don’t know. We’ll figure somethin’ out... «A man’s heart plans his way... but the Lord directs his steps.»
    Chris: Right. Pray for me, Preacher.
    Jesse: .... Anyone were listenin’, I would.

& Cassidy: Look, Dave. Listen to me now. To know what I’m talkin’ about, you’ve had to have the kind of night that lands you in the hospital tryin’ to figure out what the Spanish word is for «ass hamster,» for goodness’ sake. I’m serious.

& Cassidy: Isn’t that funny there? I really thought that T.J. was south of Vegas. So, I might be wonderin’ why we’re headin’ toward the sun there, boy..... Yeah, but what do I know? I’m just another shit-faced Irishman, am I not? Am I not just that?

& Cassidy: How did you wankers find me, then?

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& — Go to hell, abomination!
    Cassidy: When will you idiots learn, huh?

& Tulip: A woman needs to know how to be strong and stand on her own... Of course, boy or girl, if you’re lucky enough to fall in love, you have to be even stronger. Fight like a lion to keep it alive. So that... So that on the day your love is... weak enough or... selfish enough or frickin’ stupid enough to run away, you have the strength to track him down... and eat him alive.

& Tulip: ... Anyway... this is how you make a bazooka.

& Girl: What’s your name?
    Tulip: Priscilla-Jean Henrietta O’Hare. But my friends all call me Tulip.

& Jesse: Wait. Is this an ear?
    Tulip: No... It’s my lunch. Little piece of shawarma I had earlier.

& Tulip: Why would you ever come back here?
    Jesse: You know, culture and cuisine.

& Tulip: We did what we did. We are who we are, and that’s it, you know? Why waste another minute wishin’ we were different?

& Jesse: No. No matter what you’ve done... if you need Him, He has to be there for you. That’s the whole point. God doesn’t hold grudges.
    If you get down on your knees... and you listen... and I mean really listen... He’ll say somethin’.

& Donnie: Let’s just say, for the sake of argument, that, uh, that I don’t listen. What then, huh?
    Jesse: ... You’d hear a noise.
    Donnie: Ooh, golly gee. Oh, a noise?
    Jesse: A high-pitched, kind of... bunny-in-a-bear-trap sound. You’ll know it when it comes... ’Cause you’re the one who will be making it.

& Jesse: You ready for that noise now?

& Jesse: Drinkin’... fightin’, swearin’. I can’t even afford to fix the damn air-conditionin’.
    Cassidy: Sounds like the first verse of the worst country song ever written, man.

& Cassidy: Misery loves company, does it not? It’s the hope that sets men at one another’s throats here. Take me for example, right? I have zero hope in this world, mate. And I’m bloody fantastic. Really, I am.

& Jesse: You deserve a good preacher, and... and that’s what you’re gonna get.

& Jesse: ...This is my answer. This is why I’ve come home. To save you.

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