Two and a Half Men 3x4

Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs

& Jake: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...
    Alan: What are you doing?
    Jake: Masticating*.
    Alan: What?!
    Jake: Don’t worry, it doesn’t mean what you think.
    Alan: What do you think I think?
    Jake: You know...
    Alan: Okay, I know what I know. What do you know?
    Jake: I know that you’re supposed to masticate your food 20 times before you swallow.
    Alan: Yeah, but what about the other thing?
    Jake: What other thing?
    Alan: The thing you thought I was thinking.
    Jake: I’m sorry, Dad. You lost me.

& Alan: Morning.
    Berta: It is, but I need to talk to Charlie.

& Alan: He got home an hour ago, had a bowl of chili, threw up and went to bed.
    Jake: He probably threw up ’cause he didn’t masticate enough.
    Berta: Hey, pottymouth, there’s a lady present!

& Berta: Do you mind if I take your room?
    Alan: My room? Gee, I-I...
    Berta: Trust me. You want me to have a room with a private crapper.
    Alan: Okay. By all means. Take my room. I’ll bunk with Jake.
    Berta: Thanks.
    Jake: What do you mean, you’ll bunk with Jake?!
    Alan: Is that a problem?
    Jake: Yes. I need my privacy.
    Alan: For what?
    Jake: You know...

& Alan: Hey, hey, I live here, too!
    Charlie: So do termites! But they don’t have guest-inviting privileges either.
    Alan: You’re equating me with termites?!
    Charlie: Hell, no. You can get get rid of termites.

---

& Berta: You know, Charlie, you’ve really got a beautiful view here.
    Charlie: You’re just noticing that?
    Berta: Well, I spend most of my days looking dirty toilets and those Rorschach tests you call bedsheets...

& Charlie: But what can I do about it?
    Berta: Respect’s not freely given in this life, Charlie. You got to demand it.
    Charlie: You’re right. It’s time for me to stand up for myself.
    Berta: Good for you. And while you’re up... would you get me one of those little Japanese beers you keep in the refrigerator?
    Charlie: Oh, sure. Be right back.

& Jake: Did you know your body doesn’t digest corn? It goes out the same way it comes in. It’s like a little bookmark in your poop.
    Berta: Did they teach you that at school?
    Jake: Nope. It’s the powers of observation.

& Evelyn: Alan, I don’t mean to pry, but after alimony and child support, exactly how much can you afford to spend? ... Really?
    Alan: Yes, really.
    Evelyn: Sweetie, my shoes cost more than this!
    Alan: Well, Mom, you have a lot of shoes.
    Evelyn: The ones I’m wearing.

& Evelyn: Alan, based on this amount, you don’t need a Realtor. You need someone who sells camping equipment.

& Evelyn: May I propose a simple alternative?
    Alan: I’m not living with you, Mom!
    Evelyn: Okay. Well, then I have a final alternative.
    Alan: And what would that be?
    Evelyn: Run straight to your brother’s ass, and kiss it repeatedly.

& Jake: Why are you making us move?
    Charlie: You’re not moving.
    Jake: Well, then why is Dad looking for another place for us to live?
    Charlie: Because he’s trying to teach me a lesson.
    Jake: Why don’t you tell him to stop?
    Charlie: Because I’m trying to teach him a lesson.
    Jake: What’s your lesson?
    Charlie: That it’s my house.
    Jake: What’s his lesson?
    Charlie: That he lives here, too.
    Jake: Okay, I’m just a kid, but that sounds stupid even to me.

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Masticating — жующий

+ quotes on the Imdb.