House M.D. 8x14

Love is Blind

& House: You lying sack of crap!
    Taub: I have them right in front of me.
    House: Not you. This time. My former BFF. He’s S-M-I-T-B-A-W-S. Stabbing me in the back as we speak.

& House: If anyone should happen to ask, I’m in an out-of-state medical conference until further notice. {...} Also, if anyone should further happen to ask, I spent the whole last year in Africa with Doctors Without Boundaries.
    Adams: Who are you hiding from?
    House: Evil.

& Blythe: Nice to meet you. I’m Blythe, his mother.

& Park: I’m Doctor Park, by the way. I’m 5’2″, Asian, and I’m totally cool with it if you wanna feel my face.
    Melissa: Blind people only do that in movies. But you sound nice, so if you want me to...

& Melissa: I haven’t seen him for the last five months.
    Will: We were on a break. Like Rachel and Ross on Friends. Never seen the show myself, but I hear it’s good. ... That joke usually kills my blind friends.

& Blythe: Is he happy?
    Wilson: Uh...
    Blythe: It’s okay. He’s always been a complicated child.

& Park: Maybe his girlfriend poisoned him. ....... House usually thinks that’s a good guess. And she’s gotta be pissed off and have low self-esteem.

& Park: He has fake children now, too?

& Wilson: She’s sick, House.
    House: Did she say that?
    Wilson: She was wearing a hospital admission bracelet and carrying around a book on dealing with terminal cancer.

& Park: It’s beautiful!
    Will: People always say diamonds are beautiful. But to me they just feel cold. They have really sharp edges.

& Park: Oh! Sugar free! Ugh. Disgusting.
    Taub: I’ll check the bathroom. You keep checking the snacks.

& Chase: Coincidence. Buying that, House?
    House: Until I hear something that takes my mind off the Jurassic schlong that I was traumatized by this afternoon.

& Park: I know what’s wrong with the patient. Illegal drugs. Some kind of acid. {...}
    Taub: We didn’t find any drugs.
    Park: Then why am I completely tripping balls right now?
    House: Can’t you tell? You pretty much look the same as you always do. Take your glasses off. {...} Hallucinating?
    Park: I think so, because... He’s a rabbit... Oh, I get it! Because she’s his wife. They flirt a lot. I’ve seen things. Mm, Taub... Taub is either... A tooth fairy or... Rainbow Brite. And you... You’re just House! {...} Am I gonna die?
    House: We’ll get back to you on that.

---

& Wilson: Have you seen your mother yet?
    House: She’s not dying. She was having sex with my father. ... Ignore her. She’s on acid.

& Thomas: Good lord, man, that’s no way to treat a bad trip. Put the chair down. You’ll end up hurting the poor wee thing. Hello, darlin’. I’m Thomas, and this beautiful creature here is Blythe. Is there anything we can do to help you?
    Park: That rabbit stole my teeth!
    Thomas: Of course he did, but I’ll tell you what he’s done. He’s put them back again, and they’re twice as nice as they used to be. You can feel them if you like... See?

& Chase: I’ll leave you in Dr. Adams’ capable hands...
    Will: You think I’m an ass, don’t you? I can tell by your breathing. Either you’re angry or fat.

& Thomas: He was a marine. It was the ultimate betrayal.
    House: Penultimate*.

& Thomas: You’re right. Much too formal. Come here, lad... We’re practically family now.

& Adams: How are you feeling?
    Park: Embarrassed. I’m still not sure what was real or what I hallucinated. Did you try to kiss me?.. What about you?..

& Taub: She’s young and hot. She’ll bounce back.
    Park: 82 pounds. ... How much weight I put on when my break ended the same way. People were calling me Park-ing-lot.

& House: Mother... Guy sleeping with my mother... this is Dominika, my wife.

& Adams: We see people with disabilities all the time, but... Seeing and understanding aren’t always the same thing.
    Chase: ... Are you talking to me or writing a Facebook post?

& House: I DNA-tested my dad and found that he was not my biological father... you are.
    Thomas: That’s impossible.
    House: People lie. Birthmarks don’t. ......
    Thomas: Oh, my God! You told me he was a premie! This bloody lunatic is my son!

& Thomas: Look at him sitting there... a pill-popping sociopath! If you wanted to screw up his life, you couldn’t have done it better.
    House: He’s got you there, mom.
    Blythe: He’s one of the most well-respected doctors in the world! He’s saved more lives than you can count. Now, you apologize to him, or I swear, you will never see me again, Thomas.
    House: ... So, who’s for dessert?

& Will: Blind and deaf? I’d rather be dead.
    Adams: You will be.
    Will: I can live with that.

& House: I never liked your friend... My father.
    Thomas: Well, he could be a bit intense at times.
    House: But unlike you, I did respect him.

& Thomas: Son, see you at dinner.

& House: How long are you gonna wait until you tell me?
    Wilson: I thought we already had the Santa Claus talk.
    House: You don’t think I saw you steal Thomas’ fork from the restaurant?
    Wilson: Why would I do that?
    House: For his DNA.
    Wilson: That’s... That’s... Very observant of you.

& House: The fact that you haven’t told me can only mean...
    Wilson: He isn’t your father either. I’m sorry.
    House: You know what that means.
    Wilson: Your mom’s a slut.
    House: That... And... she’s not as boring as I thought she was.

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