The Big Bang Theory 5x15

The Friendship Contraction

& Leonard: What the hell?!!
    Sheldon: Emergency preparedness drill.

& Raj: Why do you put six sugars in your coffee?
    Leonard: Because the cafeteria doesn’t offer little packets of methamphetamine.
    Howard: Emergency drill night last night, huh?
    Leonard: Uh-huh.
    Raj: How’d you do?
    Sheldon: I’ll tell you exactly how he did. “Readiness: unsatisfactory. Follows direction: barely. Attitude: a little too much. Overall: not only will he probably die in a fiery inferno, his incessant whining would most certainly spoil everyone else’s day.”

& Leonard: I don’t care. I’m done.
    Sheldon: Hold on. Are you saying that you want to invoke Clause 209?
    Leonard: I don’t know what that is, but if it means I can go home and sleep, then yes.
    Sheldon: Think carefully here. Clause 209 suspends our friendship, and strips down the Roommate Agreement to its bare essentials. Our responsibilities toward each other would only be rent, utilities and a perfunctory chin jut of recognition as we pass in the hall. ’Sup?
    Leonard: Where do I sign?

---

& Sheldon: All right. That’s it. We are now no longer companions, boon or otherwise. We are not merely acquaintances. To amend the words of Toy Story... “You have not got a friend in me.”
    Leonard: I’m gonna go home and take a nap.
    Sheldon: Yeah, well, tell it to someone who cares.

& Sheldon: Hello, dear friends... And Dr. Hofstadter.
    Leonard: ’Sup?

& Sheldon: My apologies. I would’ve been here sooner, but the bus kept stopping for other people to get on it.

& Sheldon: Hello, Stuart.
    Stuart: Oh, hey, Sheldon. Can I help you find something today?
    Sheldon: No, no. I was just sitting at home thinking about how it might be nice to catch up with my ninth favorite person.
    Stuart: Ninth?
    Sheldon: You moved up one. My pen pal in Somalia was kidnapped by pirates.

& Sheldon: Before you go, consider this. Not only do I have a deep-cycle marine battery power source which is more than capable of running our entertainment system, I also have all 61 episodes of the BBC series Red Dwarf... and Fiddle-Faddle. All yours if you’re willing to reinstate the Roommate Agreement.
    Penny: I’ve got wine at my place and some bubble wrap we could pop.
    Sheldon: ... Oh, he’ll be back. Wine and a girl in the dark... he’s gonna be bored out of his mind.

& Penny: Anyway, you want to make out?
    Leonard: I thought because our relationship’s in a beta test, you wanted to take things slow.
    Penny: Okay. Do you want to make out slow?

& Sheldon: Excuse me, Leonard.
    Leonard: Since when don’t you knock? It’s like the only good thing about you.

& Penny: Aw...
    Leonard: No, don’t “aw” him. He brought this all on himself.
    Penny: But he’s sad.
    Leonard: No, he’s crazy. Sometimes crazy looks like sad so it’ll suck you back in.

& Sheldon: What are you proposing?
    Leonard: That we go back to the way things were. But when I do something for you, you show a little appreciation.
    Sheldon: And how would I do that?
    Leonard: ... You say “thank you.”
    Sheldon: Every time?!

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On the Imdb.