The Big Bang Theory 5x17

The Rothman Disintegration

& Raj: What choice did the university have? He snapped*.
    Leonard: It happens to theoretical physicists all the time.
    Howard: I wonder how long Sheldon’s got...
    Sheldon: These shrimp are all the same size! There’s no the logical order to eat them in!
    Leonard: Can’t be very long.

& Amy: I wanted to get you something you didn’t have.
    Penny: Wow! I... I don’t know what to... Wow.
    Amy: Do you like it?
    Penny: Do I like it? Wow.

& Sheldon: President Siebert?
    President Siebert: Can’t this wait?
    Sheldon: I’m sorry. We just need a word.
    President Siebert: Now? You realize I’m your boss, and I am holding my penis?

& President Siebert: Gentlemen, there’s a task I’m trying to accomplish here, and I’m having trouble doing it.
    Sheldon: Oh, my. President Siebert, I don’t mean to be an alarmist, but difficulty initiating a urine stream could be a symptom of benign prostatic hyperplasia. If you’re interested, I can send you a link to a YouTube video that’ll show you how to perform your own rectal exam. Uh, helpful hint... trim your nails first.

& Sheldon: He’s just trying to butter you up! And for the record, butter is an excellent lubricant for your rectal exam.

& Bernadette: That is big.
    Penny: So big.
    Bernadette: And ugly.
    Penny: So ugly.

& Bernadette: You can’t take it down. You’ll break her heart. Look at that face... That enormous, unsettling, crazy face.

& Raj: Would you look at this?! I paid $25 to some kid on eBay for a handcrafted Harry Potter wand. He sent me a stick. He went into his backyard, he picked up a stick.
    Howard: It’s numbered.
    Raj: Ooh, limited edition. Nice.

& Kripke: Let’s get down to brass tacks.
    Sheldon: Fine. In the interest of preserving our friendship...
    Kripke: We’re not friends.
    Sheldon: Well, that’s a little hard to hear, but all right. As you know, the essence of diplomacy is compromise. With that in mind, I propose the following... I will take Rothman’s office, and you will find a way to be okay with that.
    Kripke: How about I take Rothman’s office, and you go suck a lemon?

---

& Kripke: What the frig* is that?
    Sheldon: Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock was created by Internet pioneer Sam Kass as an improvement on the classic game Rock-Paper-Scissors. All hail Sam Kass.
    — Hail!
    Kripke: How does it work?
    Sheldon: Oh, it’s very simple. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.
    Kripke: ........... I’m sorry. Can you repeat that?
    Sheldon: Well, of course. Scissors cuts paper, paper...........

& Amy: Oh, what a great movie.
    Penny: I cannot believe you’ve never seen Grease.
    Amy: My mother didn’t allow me to watch it. She was afraid it might encourage me to join a gang.

& Bernadette: I’ve got to go. I’ve got to get up early. My company’s testing a new steroid that supposedly doesn’t shrink testicles, and the last one there has to do a measuring.

& Amy: Our friendship is fundamentally asymmetrical. I clearly like you more than you like me.
    Penny: I don’t think you can put a number on how much one person likes another.
    Amy: I bought you a painting that’s 12 square feet in area. There’s a number.
    Penny: Amy, come on...
    Amy: If you don’t like feet, you can try dollars. The painting set me back three grand.

& Leonard: What are you doing?
    Sheldon: I’m trying to raise the temperature in here before my nipples tear through my shirt.

& Leonard: Why is there a hole here?
    Sheldon: Why is there a hole in my new office? I’ve narrowed it down to two possibilities: “There was something in the wall that someone outside the wall wanted,” or the more disturbing, “there was something in the wall that wanted out.”

& Amy: Originally we were painted nude... But I had him add clothes, ’cause I thought it was an unnecessary challenge to our heterosexuality.
    Penny: Yeah, good call.
    Amy: But if you ever change your mind, all it would take is... some warm, soapy water and a couple of sponges.
    Penny: You’re talking... about the... painting, right?
    Amy: Sure.

& Leonard: Why would you do that?
    Sheldon: It’s called scientific curiosity! Now go get butter.

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snapped — щелкнул; ломаться; внезапно; с треском
frig — онанировать; совокупляться

On the Imdb.