Two and a Half Men 3x5

We Called It Mr. Pinky

& Colleen: I think I love you, Charlie Harper.
    Charlie: Thank you. I’ll see you later.
    Colleen: ... Wait a minute. Did you just say “thank you”?
    Charlie: Did I?

& Jake: Hey, guess what happened at school today.
    Charlie: You made the honor roll.
    Jake: What’s that?
    Charlie: Forget it. What happened at school?
    Jake: Well, there’s this girl...
    Charlie: Okay, now I’m listening.

& Charlie: Let’s focus on today’s lesson. Never ever confuse cupcakes with love.
    Jake: But I love cupcakes!
    Charlie: We all love cupcakes. That doesn’t mean you have to love the baker.
    Jake: Her mom baked it.
    Charlie: You’re missing the point.
    Jake: Robin just helped with the icing.
    Charlie: Okay, okay.
    Jake: She made a smiley face with Red Hots.
    Charlie: I get it. I’m just saying that when someone freely gives you her cupcake, your only obligation is to enjoy it. There’s no reason to get emotionally involved.
    Jake: Why not?
    Charlie: Because, if you do, the next thing you know, you’ll be stuck eating the same damn cupcake for the rest of your life.
    Jake: But it was a really good cupcake... I can’t stop thinking about it.
    Charlie: Yeah. I’ve had cupcakes like that. But the thing you’ve got to remember is, there’ll always be other cupcakes.

---

& Charlie: We need to talk.
    Evelyn: About what?
    Charlie: About how I’ll never be able to have a meaningful relationship with a woman because of the way you screwed me up!
    Evelyn: Oh. Well... sorry about that.
    Charlie: Let me in!
    Evelyn: There’s more?
    Charlie: Yes!
    Evelyn: Will this having children thing never end?

& Evelyn: Look, I’m sorry this is such a major inconvenience for you but...
    Charlie: Oh, God! What are you doing?!
    Evelyn: Downward Facing Dog.
    Charlie: What?
    Evelyn: It’s yoga, Charlie.
    Charlie: Oh. Well, could your dog possibly face upward while we talk?
    Evelyn: Fine.
    Charlie: Aw, geez! What the hell is the mutt doing now?

& Evelyn: What did we call your penis?..
    Charlie: It doesn’t matter! The point is, it isn’t working anymore. And somehow it’s all tied up in some sick twisted knot with you.
    Evelyn: Mr. Peepee! That’s it. Well, you can see why I confused that with Mr. Pinky.

& Alan: His, uh, his little girlfriend dumped him.
    Charlie: Really?
    Jake: She said she needed her space.
    Charlie: I’m sorry, buddy.
    Alan: Want some advice?
    Jake: Yeah. What do I do, Uncle Charlie?
    Alan: I meant from me.
    Jake: Oh. No, thank you. Well?
    Charlie: ... Might as well listen to your dad, ’cause... I got nothing.
    Jake: Less than him?

& Rose: Well, traditional therapy can help, but you’ll have to commit to a long, arduous* process of self-exploration over a period of years.
    Charlie: Years?! I can’t go years without... Mr. Peepee.
    Rose: Charlie, isn’t your long-term mental and emotional health more important than a few fleeting* orgasms?
    Charlie: It’s not even more important than one!

& Rose: I suppose we could try a shortcut like hypnotherapy.
    Charlie: You know how to do that?
    Rose: I studied it. But for it to work, you’d have to trust me completely.
    Charlie: You know, Rose, as strange as it may seem, of all the women I know, you’re the only one I trust at all.
    Rose: Wow. Personally I find that very flattering, while professionally, it’s deeply disturbing.

& Jake: Hey, dad, want a cupcake?
    Alan: Um, sure.
    Uncle Charlie?
    Charlie: Thank you.
    Jake: Have as many as you want. I got another batch in the oven.
    Alan: It’s, uh, it’s very tasty. What, uh, what prompted this?
    Jake: I figured out I don’t need a girlfriend. If I want a cupcake, I just make it myself.
    Charlie: Taking matters into his own hands. The metaphore is now complete.
    Jake: Anybody want to lick the beater?

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arduous — трудный
fleeting — мимолетный; скоротечный

+ quotes on the Imdb.