Better Half
Adams: ... “Wednesday, 2:43 p.m., a black Pawn will believe he’s the black King and attempt to capture the... white head of diagnostics.”
Park: It’s 10:15 on Friday.
& House: With great power comes great micromanaging... And great vests.
& Kayla: We’ve never had sex. Oh, we kiss and cuddle, but neither one of us is interested in sex.
Wilson: You’re... both celibate.
Kayla: No, neither of us. ... Celibacy is a choice. This is our orientation. We’re asexual.
Wilson: Not quite sure... what box to check here.
& Foreman: I’m just saying what he’s doing doesn’t seem rational, which makes me think it’s rational in a way I’m not privy* to. He always has a plan.
Chase: And he’s always self-destructive. He may just be shooting himself in the ankle.
& Chase: Surprised you didn’t go into the diplomatic corps.
Park: Oh, you think they’re...
Chase: No, if they’re having sex, it’s probably with their genitals.
& Wilson: You know that close to 1% of the population identifies as asexual?
House: We really gotta get you laid. {...}
& Wilson: It’s a valid sexual orientation. According to this article, at least.
House: Yeah, I think I read that too. Is that fugliness* weekly? (psychologies)
& Wilson: She’s perfectly fine-looking. Happily married for ten years...
House: To a guy who loves penis enough for the both of them.
Wilson: He’s asexual too. {...}
House: 100 bucks says I can find a medical reason why she doesn’t want to have sex.
& Foreman: “Cuddy dark will waste his afternoon chasing conspiracy theories.”
Chase: You’re letting him get inside your head. He could do a lot of damage in there.
& House: If you’re speaking as a team member, then I’d say you’re a moron. Because taking him off the antiemetics gave us crucial diagnostic information. If you’re speaking as Dean of Medicine... then I’d say you’re a moron. ’Cause your micromanaging kept us from doing a biopsy.
& Foreman: Unless one of your index cards actually predicted the guy was gonna punch his wife, everything you’re saying is post hoc rationalization.
House: Dr. Park, would you please reach under that chair?
Park: “The patient will punch his wife.”
Foreman: You clearly wrote that after the fact.
House: Dr. Adams, would you please reach into my pants? ... “Dr. Blackenshmurtz will accuse me of writing about the punch after the fact.” Now, look. Here’s a photograph of me holding a newspaper. Dated last Tuesday.
& House: Start him on plasmapheresis. Unless... “mother, may I?” And ’mother’ is an abbreviation.
& Chase: People who are sick are not the only ones who need to be taken care of.
& Park: Why doesn’t Chase have to be here?
House: You think he knows anything about women who don’t want to have sex?
& House: It’s the fundamental drive of our species. Sex is healthy. Orgasms oxygenate the brain, lighting up over 30 different areas and making us forget how boring Susie Cooper is... That last one may not be universal.
& Adams: Sex releases oxytocin. It’s the neurochemical basis for bonding.
House: And that’s why men always marry their right hands.
Adams: It’s different for girls.
Park: No it’s not. I’ve tapped over 30 guys and never wanted to see most of them again. ..... I live next to a Jewish frat.
House: We are veering* wildly off track. Please continue.
& Adams: This woman’s life is probably better off without sex. Eliminates most of her insecurity, she’s immune to most advertising and can have honest relationships with men.
& House: Lots of people don’t have sex. The only people who don’t want it are either sick, dead, or lying.
& Adams: 30?!
Park: Everybody lies.
Adams: ... Higher or lower?
& Chase: On three. One, two, three.
Adams: Nothing.
Chase: Not dead until he’s warm and dead.
& Natalie Tavares (by Melanie Lynskey aka Rose): He has no heartbeat, and he’s not breathing. How can he not be dead?
& Adams: You think you should kill yourself if you become a burden to the people who love you?
Chase: If you really love them back, then... Yes.
Adams: That’s really dark.
Chase: It’s not naive.
& House: I’d prefer to be paid in a single $100 bill. Always wanted to use one to light a cigar.
& Wilson: You always do this! You... you meddle and force me into impossible situations.
House: You knew the second you told me about this case that I’d get involved. You wanted me to meddle.
& Foreman: You played me. This whole thing was about your ankle monitor. You weren’t trying to undermine my confidence, you were trying to inflate it. You manufactured conflict with me so eventually you could let me win. You knew it was encephalitis, but you waited for me to say it because then with my ego boosted, you thought I’d be in the mood to take off your monitor because I’d think I could control you.
House: You’re right. Take off my monitor. See, the beauty of the plan is that if it works, you think you can control me. If it fails, then you will actually have proven that you can control me. It’s pretty genius. These are your training wheels. If you think you’re up to this job, it’s time to lose them.
Foreman: ........
House: Second half of my plan might need work.
& Natalie: He’s still in there. ... What did he say?
House: He asked who you were.
& Wilson: I think they were happy. Even if it was based on lies.
House: Most happiness is. Better to have schtupped and lost then never to have schtupped at all.
& Wilson: We can’t smoke in here.
House: We also can’t summon people into the clinic based on a lie motivated by a petty bet. And yet it happens. It’s an imperfect world.
& House: Well?
Wilson: Disgustingly satisfying.
& Foreman: Bikes go faster without training wheels. Now get out. I have work to do.
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privy — посвященный
veer — менять курс; направление
meddle — вмешиваться; соваться не в свое дело
On the Imdb.
__ And here, they're back. It was so long.
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