Two and a Half Men 2x19

A Low, Guttural* Tongue-Flapping Noise

& Alan: I must look like an idiot.
    Charlie: Wish I could tell you different...
    Alan: You’re the reason we went to the eye doctor in the first place.
    Charlie: You said, “Throw me a piece of toast.” I threw you a piece of toast.

& Alan: If I ever had a woman like that, I would cherish her... I would worship her. I would... start a small country and put her face on a stamp so I could lick her head.

& Charlie: I am happy for you. You had the courage to walk over... with your pus-filled eye and fall on your ass... and still got a date with one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever met. I’m not only happy for you, I’m proud.
    Alan: Thank you.
    Charlie: Now, I have to re-evaluate everything I thought I knew... about men, women, relationships, God and the universe.

---

& Jake: You think you could kill a guy with a piece of toast?
    Charlie: No.
    Jake: Because if you did, you could eat the toast. The police would never find the weapon. It’s the perfect crime.
    Charlie: ...And part of a nutritious breakfast.

& Charlie: Alan, let me give you some advice. Alcohol impairs your ability to make good decisions. We don’t want you to lose that ability. We want her to.

& Alan: What am I gonna do?!
    Charlie: You don’t know? Come on, Alan, you were married for 12 years.
    Alan: What does marriage have to do with sex?
    Charlie: Point taken.

& Charlie: You want some tips?
    Alan: No, no, nothing like that... I need step-by-step instructions.

& Charlie: Since this is your first bout in this weight class... I’d say stick with the basics. Better to do the simple stuff well than the fancy stuff badly.
    Alan: Got it. And the simple stuff would be...
    Charlie: Well, you know how women like you to go slow?
    Alan: Really? My ex-wife put a premium on brevity*. Her motto was, “Less is more, and none is perfect.”

& Alan: When you’re with a woman like Sherri, who’s so gosh-darn beautiful... that you get excited just thinking about her... how do you keep the sprinklers from going off while you’re still mowing*?
    Charlie: Let me make sure I understand. You wanna keep your toothpaste in the tube until you’re done brushing?
    Alan: What are you talking about?
    Charlie: What are you talking about?
    Alan: Okay, okay. Let me try again. I don’t wanna frost the cake while I’m still mixing the batter.
    Charlie: I don’t get it. She must have lost a bet.
    Alan: Excuse me?
    Charlie: Nothing. All right. Here’s what you do. When you feel like the train is leaving the station...
    Alan: You mean, going in the tunnel?
    Charlie: No, no, I mean leaving the station.
    Alan: But you have to leave the station to get to the tunnel.
    Charlie: Okay, okay. Let’s start from the top.
    Alan: And work our way down, right?
    Charlie: You know what? Just shut up and listen.

& Charlie: Man, I love sunsets. The way the sky is streaked with color... It’s amazing.
    Alan: It’s the pollution that makes those pretty colors, you know. What you’re enjoying is the effect of light passing through airborne poison.

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Guttural — гортанный; горловой; гортанный звук
brevity — краткость
mowing — покос

+ quotes on the Imdb.