Two and a Half Men 2x20

I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey

& Alan: If we can’t lie to each other, who can we lie to?
    Charlie: To family.

& Alan: Who is it?
    Charlie: It’s Mom.
    Alan: Oh, odds.
    Charlie: Once, twice, three, shoot.
    Alan: Once, twice, three, shoot.
    Charlie: Hey, Mom... No, I don’t have a date tonight. Don’t you wanna know about Alan?.. So, what’s up?

& Charlie: Schmuck!
    Alan: For 30 years, every time I call odds, he throws a two, and I’m the schmuck.

& Judith: Here’s the bill for Jake’s class trip.
    Alan: Why give it to me?
    Judith: So you can pay it.
    Alan: Me?! What’s the point of giving child support... if you don’t support the child?
    Judith: Child support doesn’t cover class trips.
    Alan: Says who?
    Judith: You wanna make an issue of this? Have your lawyer call mine. They can decide who pays for class trips.
    Alan: Oh, I’m sorry. Class trips? I’m happy to pay for class trips. I thought you said “ass clips.”
    Judith: What are ass clips?
    Alan: I don’t know, but I don’t intend to pay for them.

& Alan: I feel bad about last night.
    Charlie: That’s okay. I forgive you.
    Alan: I didn’t apologize!
    Charlie: Well, then I guess I’m just a bigger man than you are.

& Jake: Dad, check it out. Mom bought me new shoes.
    Alan: Very cool.
    Jake: Yeah, they were really expensive.
    Alan: I’ll bet.
    Jake: She said to give you the bill.
    Alan: What?! Why do I get the bill?
    Jake: So you can give me a check to pay her back.
    Alan: Why?
    Jake: She doesn’t trust me with cash.
    Alan: No. Why should I be buying your shoes?
    Jake: You didn’t. Mom did.

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& Alan: This is so wrong. I send her a child support check every month... which is supposed to include things like clothing, food, shoes...
    Charlie: Alan, you’re like an Alzheimer’s victim in a whorehouse.
    Alan: Excuse me?
    Charlie: You’re constantly surprised that you’ve been screwed... and you don’t wanna pay for it.

& Jake: Hey, Uncle Charlie?
    Charlie: What?
    Jake: I love you.
    Alan: What did you do, Jake?
    Jake: I love you too, Dad.

& Rose: I think it might be therapeutic for you two... to sit down with someone and explore those conflicts.
    Charlie: You mean you?
    Rose: Well, I could refer you... to the woman I talk to, but she doesn’t exist. So, yeah. Me.

& Charlie: Let’s see. Couples counseling for me and Alan with you as the therapist. Why don’t we just drop acid, run out into the ocean... and pretend we’re dolphins?

& Charlie: The only reason I let him live here is because of Jake.
    Rose: Go on...
    Charlie: He was a pain in the ass when we were kids... and now he’s blossomed into a three-fingered prostate exam.

& Alan: He put dog poop in my Mork and Mindy lunchbox!
    Rose: Oh, will you please let that go?
    Charlie: And by the way, if you think it through... we didn’t have a dog.
    Alan: What?!
    Charlie: Mom told me to make you lunch, I made you lunch.
    Alan: Oh, my God! Do you see... what I have been dealing with my entire life?
    Charlie: The real genius was putting it in a hot-dog bun.

& Alan: Come on. Give me a hug.
    Charlie: No, forget it.
    Rose: Would you rather hug me?
    Charlie: What would be the point of that?
    Rose: It gets me hot.

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+ quotes on the Imdb.