Two and a Half Men 2x17

Woo-Hoo, a Hernia-Exam!

& Alan: Oh, come on, Berta. He’s 11.
    Berta: He’s a pig!
    Alan: I’ll talk to him.
    Berta: While you’re at it, you may wanna mention... the half-eaten egg salad sandwiches in his toy chest... the dead marine life at the back of the closet... and the booger collection under the bed.
    Alan: I’ll do my best to address your concerns.
    Berta: Don’t condescend* to me, Zippy! I’ll snap you like a butter bean.
    Debbie: Excuse me. Is one of you Alan?
    Alan: .............. I’m Alan.

& Alan: Now, stop moving.
    Charlie: Really, I’m fine. Just don’t... Ten! Ten! That’s a ten!!
    Alan: Are you happy?
    Charlie: Do I look happy?

& Berta: You want your toilet seat back?
    Jake: Yes.
    Berta: Then keep scrubbing.
    Jake: You know, taking it wasn’t funny. I could have broke my butt.
    Berta: Oh, come on. How could that not be funny?

& Berta: Don’t forget to clean on the outside. That’s all you. And the floor, and the wall.
    Jake: Okay, okay.
    Berta: How in the hell did you hit the wall anyway?
    Jake: I don’t know, it just gets away from me sometimes.
    Berta: After a day scrubbing toilets... I’m betting you’ll be able to pee through a Cheerio at 10 paces.

& Alan: You’re unbelievable. Does your penis have an off switch?
    Charlie: A pause button?

---

& Jake: Okay, I finished the toilet, the shower... and the sink.
    Berta: What took you so long?
    Jake: I went to the bathroom, and I had to start over.
    Berta: Take these, and get started on the kitchen floor.
    Jake: Why? I didn’t pee in here. ... Okay, once, but it was in the sink.
    Berta: The sink?! How’d you manage that?
    Jake: It’s not that hard. You just gotta drink a lot of root beer, lean back... and figure the angle.

& Jake: Berta...
    Berta: What?
    Jake: I’m tired, and my hands are all red and pruney.
    Berta: I’ve seen your grades. Get used to it.

& Jake: How do I know when I’m done?
    Berta: Don’t worry about that, honey, I’ll tell you.

& Charlie: You know the difference between you and me?
    Alan: I have a functioning liver... and somehow, you’re gonna get laid tonight. {...}
    Charlie: The difference between you and me... is that when life gives me lemons, I make lemonade. When you get lemons, you just bite into them... and suck them inside out.

& Dr. Michelle Talmadge: You’re amazing.
    Charlie: Well, statistically... I’m only slightly above average. But I make up for it with enthusiasm and perseverance.
    Dr. Michelle: No, what’s amazing is that you don’t remember me.
    Charlie: Well, sure I remember you. You’re the pretty woman cupping my testicles from earlier.
    Dr. Michelle: Back when I was in medical school, you and I went out for a couple months...
    Charlie: You wanna loosen your grip there?
    Dr. Michelle: Then for reasons I never understood... you stopped calling me, and started seeing my roommate.
    Charlie: The grip!
    Dr. Michelle: I always hoped I’d run into you again.
    Charlie: Please. Just leave me one. Oh, dear God!
    Alan: My brother’s making lemonade.

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