Two and a Half Men 2x16

Can You Eat Human Flesh with Wooden Teeth?

& Alan: Come on, Jake. It’s time to get up for school.
    Jake: I can’t go to school. I’m sick.
    Alan: What’s wrong?
    Jake: I think I have acid reflex disease.
    Alan: Really? Acid reflex disease? Where does it hurt?
    Jake: ... My head?
    Alan: Nice try.
    Jake: ... My throat?
    Alan: Get up!
    Jake: All right, all right. I just want you to know, I’m starting my day really stressed out.

& Alan: Okay, let’s go.
    Jake: Got my lunch?
    Alan: Lunch?
    Jake: You’re supposed to make me lunch.
    Alan: Oh, crap!
    Jake: This isn’t helping my stress level.
    Charlie: I forget. Why are you here in the middle of the week?
    Jake: Because my mom’s on vacation.
    Charlie: From what?
    Jake: Me.

& Charlie: A word of advice: Don’t date women who live near the airport. It’s impossible to sleep in.
    Alan: ... I’ll try to remember that.

& Jake: I forgot. I have to write five insightful questions I’d ask George Washington.
    Alan: What?! Last night you said you had no homework.
    Jake: Dad, I just said I forgot.
    Alan: Okay, fine. You’ll do it in the car.
    Jake: I was planning on doing math in the car.

---

& Jake: President Washington. Question number one: “Have you ever thought of coming back from the dead as a zombie?”
    Alan: Jake, I don’t think that’s what your teacher had in mind.
    Jake: Do you wanna do it?
    Alan: No, no. You’re doing fine.
    Jake: Question two: “Can you eat human flesh with wooden teeth?” ...

& Alan: God, what a horrible day...
    Charlie: Tell me about it.
    Berta: Show of hands: who spent their day pre-soaking the shorts of a kid... who leaves more skid* marks than a getaway car?.. That’s what I thought. Now, if you ladies will excuse me... I have three buses to catch.

& Jake: I look stupid.
    Charlie: Yeah, well, you’re close to puberty.
    Jake: Oh, I forgot to comb my hair.
    Charlie: No, no, no. I’ll do it.
    Jake: That’s spit!
    Charlie: Hey, one man’s saliva is another man’s mousse. Now shut up.

& Jake: What about lunch?
    Charlie: Sorry, I have plans.
    Jake: No, you’re supposed to make me lunch.
    Charlie: Oh, all right, come on. ... You like cold pizza, right?
    Jake: Sure. ... This is frozen!
    Charlie: Yeah. If you sit on it... it’ll thaw* by lunch.

& Charlie: What do you mean he needs to have sex?
    Jake: Well, he’s been really grumpy lately. You’re usually in a good mood. I figure it’s because you have sex.
    Charlie: Jake, it takes more than sex to make a man happy... You also need money.

--
skid — буксовать; тормозить
thaw — оттаивать; согреваться

+ quotes on the Imdb.

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