Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab
Charlie: Bad idea!
Alan: What?
Charlie: Nothing. I just saw that they’re moving the L.A. Gardening Exposition... to the Convention Center, which I think is a very bad idea.
Alan: Thanks for the update. Go ahead, Jake, tell Grandma.
Jake: It was really cool, I...
Charlie: Hang on a second, Jake. I’m not sure you understand how serious this gardening thing is. It’s a really bad idea.
Alan: I get it. Bad idea. Go ahead, Jake.
Jake: I went camping with Grandma and Grandpa. We slept in a tent, we cooked on an open fire... {...}
& Evelyn: You let him spend an entire vacation with his other grandparents... and I haven’t had him for a night?!
Alan: Oh. Bad idea...
& Evelyn: He goes to visit his other grandparents. He should come to visit me.
Alan: So you wanna spend a week with him?
Evelyn: A week?! Alan, I do have a life.
Alan: I’m confused. What exactly do you want?
Evelyn: The same quality time Jake spends with his other grandparents. But, you know... less.
& Evelyn: Are you telling me you need to get your ex-wife’s approval to let your own son spend time with your own mother?
Charlie: He had a really bad lawyer.
& Alan: I played that wrong, didn’t I?
Charlie: No, no. You called mom’s bluff and you stood up to your ex-wife. You maintained your self-respect, I’m proud of you.
Alan: Yeah, but what about Jake?
Charlie: Oh, Jake... Jake’s screwed.
& Jake: This has been the greatest day of my life! Movies, laser tag, video arcade... Well, that’s good.
Alan: I wanted today to be special.
Jake: How come?
Alan: Just because I love you.
Jake: I love you too, Dad. You know how people say you can’t buy love? I think they’re wrong.
Charlie: You hold on to that sentiment.
& Alan: Come on, buddy. She loves you very much. And it’s just for one night.
Jake: But we were having so much fun...
Alan: Think it through, Jake. Why were you having so much fun?
Jake: You tricked me.
Charlie: Attaboy!
& Jake: What did I ever do to you?
Alan: It’s not a punishment.
Jake: It’s not a prize! I’m calling Mom.
Alan: No. No, no calling Mom.
Jake: I know my rights. I get one phone call.
& Jake: What do I get?
Alan: What do you mean? I spent a fortune on you today.
Jake: That was because you love me. Now you need me.
Charlie: Oh, God, this is a great kid.
& Charlie: Alan, don’t beat yourself up. You’re a good dad who, in a moment of weakness, betrayed his only son.
Alan: Come on, he’s not in any real danger.
Charlie: Not physically, but you know as well I do... that Mom has the ability to say things that stick with you.
Alan: Yeah, forever and ever.
Charlie: My favorite was, “They must have mixed you up with another baby... because I could never have given birth to such a hateful child.” Who writes that on a fifth-grader’s birthday card?..
& Alan: How about, “It’s no wonder your father stays at work. If I could get out of here, I would too.”?
& Charlie: Did I ever tell you about the time I wrote my first jingle?.. Pepsi. I invited Mom over to watch the prime-time network debut. For 30 seconds, 20 million people were listening to my music. And at the end, Mom turned to me and said: “You couldn’t get Coke to hire you?”
& Alan: Nice. But I can top it.
Charlie: Go.
Alan: It’s the day of my wedding. She’s sitting there crying. And I think it’s because she’s happy. Turns out it was because she was, and I quote: “So relieved you finally found someone who could love you.”
& Evelyn: Good Lord, are you picking your nose?
Jake: I had to. There was stuff in it.
Evelyn: And where were you planning to put it?
Jake: I really didn’t have a plan.
Evelyn: Don’t you dare wipe that on my furniture! And not on your clothes either! What are you doing now?
Jake: Putting it back.
Evelyn: Here, just wipe your hands.
Jake: Why?
Evelyn: Because we’re going to eat dinner. And you’ve been rooting around in your nostril.
Jake: It’s okay. I don’t eat with my hands. I use a fork.
& Evelyn: Has your mother or father ever taken you out for sushi?
Jake: No. I don’t like raw fish.
Evelyn: Well, have you ever had it?
Jake: No.
Evelyn: How do you know you don’t like it?
Jake: It’s an educated guess.
& Evelyn: Let’s start with the tuna, shall we? There you go.
Jake: That’s not tuna.
Evelyn: Oh, yes, it is.
Jake: I’ve had tuna.
Evelyn: Jake, it’s tuna.
& Alan: So which one do you like?
Charlie: One?! God, in his infinite wisdom, has given us a big box of assorted chocolates... and you’re just gonna try one?
Alan: So... are you thinking, like... two?
Charlie: I was thinking, like, nine. But we’ll see what happens.
Alan: You’re not serious!
Charlie: His will be done.
& Charlie: Alan! Alan, I’m worried about the kid.
Alan: What kid?
Charlie: Your kid. Our kid. I think we should go to Mom’s and get him.
Alan: Oh, come on, he’s fine. And it’s just for one night. Which, by the way, is rapidly becoming one of the best nights of my life. And grind, and grind. And step and step and turn.
& Charlie: You realize that in one night, he did what we couldn’t do in a lifetime.
Alan: He broke her.
Charlie: He chewed her up and spit her out.
Alan: It was a beautiful thing.
Charlie: I’m gonna be truthful here, Alan. I always thought your kid was a little bit of a simpleton.
Alan: Me too.
Charlie: But clearly, he is the chosen one.
Jake: Hey, guys, check it out. ’Pull my finger.’ - ’Okay.’ - ...
Alan: And they shall call him Jake.
--
+ quotes on the Imdb.
__ Such a saturated episode. One of the bests. Thanx 2 mothers & grandmothers 2 whom we can pass responsibility 4 our 'achievements.'
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