Two and a Half Men 2x22

That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother

& Berta: Good night, my pets.

& Alan: It is not a chick car. The salesman showed me brochures with pictures of guys driving it.
    Charlie: Alan, if a monkey walked into the dealership... he’d have been shown pictures of monkeys driving it.
    Alan: Monkeys can’t drive a stick.

& Judith: Jake, your dad’s here! Where’s your car?
    Alan: Oh, my car? My car is... right there.
    Judith: You got a Porsche?!
    Alan: “Porsche.”
    Judith: I have to struggle to make ends meet, and you can buy a Porsche?
    Alan: What are you talking about? Your ends have not only met... they’ve been to Hawaii and remodeled the kitchen.
    Judith: Don’t change the subject!

& Evelyn: Oh, Alan, before I forget, I need to ask you for a little favor...
    Charlie: Your soul, please.
    Evelyn: Charlie, for God’s sake...
    Charlie: Careful. I don’t think you’re allowed to say “God”... without bursting into flames or something.
    Evelyn: Shush with your antichrist humor. It’s getting old.

---

& Alan: I’m sorry, Mom. But I’d rather not.
    Evelyn: Alan, I bought you a car!
    Charlie: I love the smell of brimstone* in the morning...
    Evelyn: Tomorrow night, 8:00, Le Pissoir. I really appreciate this, darling.
    Alan: Sure.

& Charlie: What are you doing?
    Jake: Picking off the pepperonis.
    Charlie: Then why’d you order it with pepperonis?
    Jake: I like to stack them up and eat them in bed.

& Jake: How come it’s a secret Dad’s on a date?
    Charlie: It’s not. It’s just... never a good idea to tell women more than they need to know.
    Jake: How come?
    Charlie: Because we love them and want to protect them. A clueless woman is a happy woman.
    Jake: Can I have your pepperonis?
    Charlie: No!

& Jake: So why is Dad’s car a chick car?
    Charlie: It’s not really. I was just saying that to bust his chops.
    Jake: Chops are your nuts, right?
    Charlie: Right.

& Jake: How come you don’t have a date tonight?
    Charlie: I decided I’d rather hang out with you.
    Jake: Really?
    Charlie: No.
    Jake: ... You’re saying that to bust my chops.
    Charlie: No.

--
brimstone — сера

+ quotes on the Imdb.

__ 'It's not a chick car!'