Two and a Half Men 2x14

Those Big Pink Things with Coconut

& Judith: Alan, why are you avoiding me?
    Alan: I’m not avoiding you as much as...
    Charlie: Hiding.
    Alan: Thank you.
    Judith: Why were you hiding?
    Charlie: Why does the wounded gazelle hide from the stealthy jaguar?.. Why does the helpless piglet hide from ravenous wolverine?.. Animal Planet.

& Alan: Okay, Lewis and Clark explored what?
    Jake: I don’t remember.
    Alan: You just read that chapter!
    Jake: Yeah, but Lewis and Clark was a long time ago.

& Evelyn: You know what his ex-wife said to me?
    Charlie: Mom, please go away.
    Evelyn: She never calls me “Mom,” but that was the gist of it.

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& Alan: You will not do to him... what you did to me and Charlie!
    Evelyn: What did I do to you?
    Alan: What did you do? What did she...? Charlie, tell her.
    Charlie: Why tell her when we can show her?
    Evelyn: .......... I see.

& Alan: Who was that?
    Charlie: St. John’s Hospital. Our mother checked in this evening with chest pains and breathing difficulties.
    Alan: Oh, my God!
    Charlie: Ever wonder who was the first guy... to put pineapple on pizza?.. I bet he was gay.
    Alan: Charlie...
    Charlie: No straight guy is gonna say: “You know what this pizza could use? A pineapple ring...” God bless him. It’s good.

& Charlie: Of course she’s okay. She’s faking.
    Alan: How can you be so sure?
    Charlie: It really doesn’t make any difference. If she is faking and we rush to see her, she wins. If she’s not faking, and we ignore her... she complains about what horrible sons we are... and she still wins.
    Alan: What if she’s not faking and she dies?
    Charlie: Well, look at you, Mr. Glass Half-Full.

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+ quotes on the Imdb.