The Shiny Trinket Maneuver
Sheldon: If we poison the critical thinking faculties of children by telling them that rabbits come out of hats, then we create adults who believe in astrology and homeopathy and that Ryan Reynolds was a better choice for Green Lantern than lovable rogue Nathan Fillion.
& Penny: So, are we celebrating anything special tonight?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. Our relationship agreement specifies that the second Thursday of every month, or the third Thursday in a month with five Thursdays, is date night.
Penny: ... That is so hot.
& Sheldon: All right, without objection, the minutes* of the previous date are considered read and agreed to. Any new business?
Amy: How was your day?
Sheldon: Superb. This morning I made a palindrome with my Alpha-Bits. “Nice hat, Bob Tahecin.”
& Penny: So, are we ready to order?
Amy: Give me a minute. I’m gonna go wash up.
Sheldon: Well, that’s odd. We both washed up when we came in. It’s probably a euphemism for urination.
& Howard: Oh, look what my mom made us for the act.
Bernadette: Ooh... I like the fabric. Where’d she get it?
Howard: Well, she cut up one of her old bathing suits. She made these two vests and half a dozen napkins.
& Howard: Oh-ho-ho! I haven’t seen this trick in years. It’s called the dove pan. You let everyone see the pan is empty, but there’s a secret compartment in the lid... And then you open it and produce a live... Don’t look in there!
& Sheldon: I think I’ll just go in this saloon and drink my troubles away.
Leonard: You know digital alcohol is never a solution. What’s going on?
Sheldon: Hard as this may be to believe... it’s possible that I’m not boyfriend material.
Leonard: Glad I was sitting down for that.
& Leonard: Did you and Amy get in a fight?
Sheldon: Amy had a fight; I was being perfectly reasonable.
& Sheldon: I’m gonna have a whiskey. Do you want anything?
Leonard: No, I can’t. I’m playing Grand Theft Auto later.
& Leonard: Look, I’m no expert in women...
Sheldon: I’ll say!
Leonard: That’s not necessary when someone’s trying to help you.
Sheldon: I’m sorry. It’s the alcohol talking. Go on.
& Sheldon: What else you got?
Leonard: Buy her something.
Sheldon: How does that work?
Leonard: Well, you skip over any attempt to repair your emotional connection and you win back her affection with an empty financial gesture.
Sheldon: Well, that approach has Sheldon Cooper written all over it.
& Bernadette: And now, the great Howdini’s next miraculous illusion.
Jeremy: When are we gonna have cake?
Bernadette: After you’ve been thoroughly amazed!
Aaron: But we want cake now.
& Jeremy: Look, I Googled it. It’s a fake pitcher.
Bernadette: That’s it. No cake for you! Anyone else want to join the No Cake Club?
& Bernadette: I’m sorry. I know it makes me sound like a bad person, but I just don’t like children.
Howard: Yeah, no, we all got that. But don’t you think it’ll be different when the child is ours?
Bernadette: Right, when it’s our kid that’s ruined my body and kept me up all night and I’ve got no career and no future and nothing to be happy about for the next 20 years, sure, that’ll be completely different!
& Sheldon: I don’t think there’s anything in this jewelry store that Amy would appreciate more than the humidifier we were just looking at at Sears.
Penny: Oh, my God, now I know what I sound like to you when I say stupid stuff.
& Sheldon: Ooh, a pocket watch!
Penny: Okay, I don’t think Amy wants a pocket watch.
Sheldon: No, but maybe she wants a man with a pocket watch.
& Jonathan: How can I help you today?
Penny: He’s in trouble with his girlfriend and needs to buy her a present.
Jonathan: Great, trouble with girlfriends is what’s putting my daughter through USC.
& Penny: Ooh, are these real diamonds?
Jonathan: Yes. Channel set baguettes, 20 points total weight.
Sheldon: Remarkable. Diamonds, crystallized carbon. Every day, people go to the grocery store and come home with sacks full of carbon in the form of charcoal briquettes that they toss in their barbeques and set on fire. But just because you’ve got some carbon with the atoms stacked neatly, you expect me to plunk down thousands of dollars.
& Howard: I’m still trying to wrap my mind around it. I always thought I’d be a dad someday.
Raj: Oh, me, too. You’re so caring. I’ve often pictured you guiding a young boy into manhood.
& Howard: Maybe me and Bernadette aren’t right for each other...
Leonard: Look, Howard, I’d say there’s a lot of fish in the sea, but I watched you dangle your hook in the water for years. Do not throw her back.
& Sheldon: Under what pretext did you lure her here?
Penny: I said, “Hey, want to come over and hang out?”
Sheldon: Good, good, if you had said something clever, she might’ve gotten suspicious.
& Mrs. Wolowitz: Don’t forget to talk to her about this mishegas where I don’t get grandkids!
Howard: Don’t worry, Ma. I will, as soon as I can figure out a way to bring up such a sensitive issue!
& Bernadette: Look, it’s obvious having kids is really important to you, and I think I came up with a solution.
Howard: Really?! That’s great. What?
Bernadette: Well, seeing as how I make way more money than you anyway, what if I work and you stay home with the kids?
Howard: Me?!
Bernadette: Yeah. You know, you’ll watch Barney and pull Cheerios out of their noses and go on play dates, and I’ll work and have conversations with people my own age and enjoy my life...
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minutes — протокол
On the Imdb.
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