Two and a Half Men 2x21

A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On

& Charlie: So, Mom, to what do we owe this unexpected...
    Evelyn: Pleasure?
    Charlie: No, that’s not it.

& Alan: Okay, Jake. I’m going to pick up your grandmother.
    Jake: Okay.
    Alan: You think maybe you’ve played that enough?
    Jake: Okay.
    Alan: I might as well just buy him a crack pipe.

& Jake: So where’s the dead guy?
    Alan: Jake, show a little respect.
    Jake: Where’s the dead guy, sir?

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& Jake: How did he die?
    Alan: He just got old. His heart stopped.
    Jake: His watch is still going.
    Alan: Yep.
    Jake: Why would he need a watch, anyway? It’s not like he’s gonna be late for anything.

& Evelyn: As always, I’ll do him first.
    Alan: Mom, bad idea.
    Evelyn: Hey... if I didn’t give in to bad ideas, you wouldn’t be here. Hold this.

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+ quotes on the Imdb.