The Big Bang Theory 5x13

The Recombination Hypothesis

& Sheldon: You ever wonder how humans would be different if they evolved from lizards instead of mammals?..
    Leonard: Okay, let’s talk about that.
    Sheldon: {...} So, lizard weathermen would say things like, “Bring a sweater, it’s slow outside.” I love my mind.
    Leonard: We all do.

& Amy: ...which is why the more intelligent the monkey, the more feces they fling.

& Sheldon: They sent the wrong Spock! Live long and suck it, Zachary Quinto!

& Amy: If he were dying, would you sleep with him?
    Penny: What?!
    Amy: Assuming he were dying of something that couldn’t be sexually transmitted... You know, like a spear wound to the head.

& Penny: He is not dying!
    Amy: How do you know? Are you a doctor?
    Bernadette: You can make-believe, though. Sometimes Howard and I pretend that his arrhythmia is acting up and I’m a sexy cardiologist... And the naughty part is I’m not in his HMO network.

& Sheldon: I want to build a road, but I need wood... Do either of you fellows have wood? ... I don’t understand the laughter. The object of Settlers of Catan is to build roads and settlements. To do so requires wood. Now, I have sheep; I need wood. Who has wood for my sheep?

& Leonard: Okay, how do I look?
    Howard: More to the point, why are you doing this?
    Leonard: What are you talking about?
    Raj: Did you forget what Penny did to you? It took you two years and defiling my sister to turn that frown upside down.

& Sheldon: You want to know my opinion?
    Leonard: Oh, boy, do I!
    Sheldon: Sarcasm?
    Howard: No!

& Sheldon: Now, where were we?.. Oh, yes. Does anyone have any wood? Oh, come on! I just want wood... Why are you making it so hard?

& Penny: I’m from Nebraska, and ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed of moving to L.A. and becoming a movie star. Anyway, after four years of acting lessons and waiting tables, I’ve done a hemorrhoid commercial and a production of Anne Frank above a bowling alley. So, you know, dreams do come true.

---

& Leonard: ... And I used the equipment to make my own Bat-signal.
    Penny: Bat-signal? What are you, some kind of nerd?
    Leonard: Not some kind of nerd, I’m the king of the nerds.
    Penny: What does that mean?
    Leonard: Uh, it means if anyone displeases me, I don’t help them set up their printer anymore.
    Penny: You are so funny.
    Leonard: Good. Remember that when I take my shirt off.

& Penny: See, this is where everything goes wrong: when we talk.
    Leonard: Well, I don’t know how you have a relationship without talking.
    Penny: Hey, I went out with this guy TJ for eight months, we never talked. To this day, I don’t even know what TJ stands for.
    Leonard: Wait, if you guys didn’t talk, what... Never mind, stupid question.

& Sheldon: And now that I have some wood... I’m going to begin the erection of my settlement.
    Raj: He’s got to be doing this on purpose.

& Sheldon: Now, back to our game...
    Raj: You were in the middle of an erection.
    Sheldon: Oh, of course. It’s right here in my hand.

& Leonard: What does she want from me now?! What’s up?
    Penny: Do not overthink this. .........
    Leonard: I don’t understand...
    Penny: Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.

& Penny: So what do you want to do now?
    Leonard: Well, I want to go get my asthma inhaler, but it might ruin the moment.

& Leonard: Just, just help me out here. How does a miserable date end in sex?
    Penny: I don’t know, it’s complicated.
    Leonard: Well, I’m a pretty smart guy, and right now my brain has dibs on the blood supply, so give it a go.

& Leonard: Why? What are you afraid of?
    Penny: Well, what if we do go out and I do something stupid and dump you again?
    Leonard: What if I dump you?
    Penny: ...... Come on, be serious.

& Leonard: Well, how about if we don’t think about this as a relationship? It could be more like a new version of software. Penny and Leonard 2.0. We can test it internally, shake out the bugs, and if we both feel it’s solid, then we’ll roll it out to the public.

& Penny: I still got one of your inhalers.
    Leonard: I can’t believe you kept this.
    Penny: Yeah, I was gonna throw it away, but I just couldn’t.
    Leonard: That is so sweet. In 25 to 30 minutes I’m gonna show you how much this means to me.

& Sheldon: Leonard?
    Leonard: Yeah, hi, hi. How’s it going?
    Sheldon: Uh, can’t complain. Thanks for asking. Well, what were you doing out at 3:00 in the morning?

& Bernadette: Boy, I don’t know if I could be friends with Howie if we broke up...
    Howard: Why not?
    Bernadette: I’m a very vengeful person.
    Howard: Really?
    Bernadette: With access to weaponized smallpox.

& Penny: You know why we can’t be together? Because you always have to be right!
    Leonard: Oh, that is not true.
    Sheldon: I got to go with Leonard on this. He is wrong more than anyone I know.

& Penny: The hell do you think you’re going?
    Leonard: Isn’t sex after fighting kind of what we do now?!
    Penny: Yeah, kind of, yeah.

& Sheldon: This is a disaster! I distinctly ordered the Leonard Nimoy Mr. Spock cardboard standee. Why would I feel safer with Zachary Quinto at the foot of my bed?
    Leonard: I don’t know, he was pretty badass on Heroes.
    Sheldon: You’re right, I’ll give him a shot.

& Leonard: Penny, do you have plans for dinner?
    Penny: Why, you guys going somewhere?
    Leonard: No, I mean just you and me.
    Penny: Uh, have you thought this through?
    Leonard: Yes, and I think we should go anyway.

& Priest: Do you, Penny, take Leonard to be your lawful wedded husband?
    Penny: Well...... it’s a little late for me to start saying no, isn’t it?
    Amy: Penny!
    Penny: Sorry, just remembered I’ve got to stop at the drugstore.

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On the Imdb.

__ They're big, they're big, they're big. One of the best episodes.