Two and a Half Men 2x18

It Was Mame, Mom

& Jake: Dad?
    Alan: Yeah?
    Jake: Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction?
    Alan: ..........
    Charlie: Well, Alan? Do you?

& Alan: Jake, wh... What do you know about erectile dysfunction?
    Jake: It’s something to do with your penis, right?
    Alan: Right.
    Jake: And they say one out of three guys... gets it, and mine’s fine, so it’s gotta be one of you.
    Charlie: I’m fine.
    Alan: Not me, I...
    Jake: So, what are the pills for?

& Charlie: They’re boner pills, Jake.
    Jake: To get them, or to make them go away?

& Charlie: ... And second of all, you’re not just my lover... you’re my life partner. That makes you special.
    Alan: Forget it. It’s immoral and deceitful, and I don’t want any part of it.
    Charlie: What’s the big deal? Gay people pretend to be straight.
    Alan: They don’t wanna be discriminated.
    Charlie: And neither do I. The minute this guy finds out I’m a breeder, I’m history.

---

& Charlie: I set up a college fund for Jake?..
    Alan: You set up a college fund for Jake?
    Charlie: You bet I will. Unless, of course, my income were to suddenly decline.
    Alan: I can’t believe you would sink so low. To actually use emotional and financial blackmail...
    Charlie: You’re both in my will...
    Alan: Really?!
    Charlie: First thing Monday.
    Alan: All right. But I want it on the record... I’m doing this under protest.
    Charlie: Noted.
    Alan: If we’re gonna be a couple, I’m the husband!
    Charlie: Well, who’s gonna believe you’re the husband?
    Alan: Of the two of us, I’m the only one who’s been a husband.
    Charlie: You really thought you were the husband in your marriage?
    Alan: Nevertheless, I’m going to be the husband in this one.

& Rose: What is that about?
    Jake: I don’t know, but one of them suffers from erectile dysfunction.

& Charlie: Okay, here’s what I can do. She and I are going shopping tomorrow. I’ll tell her I’m bisexual, and then make my move.
    Alan: So you’re gonna cheat on me?
    Charlie: No, that’s not cheating.
    Alan: How do you figure?
    Charlie: Because we’re not really gay.
    Alan: Then how can you be bi?

& Alan: We have to talk.
    Charlie: Not now. I need to drink beer, scratch my ass... and watch a whole bunch of girl-on-girl porn.

& Charlie: He gave you a sweater?
    Alan: Cashmere. Very stylish. And thank you.
    Charlie: For what? I didn’t get you anything.
    Alan: You stood up for our relationship.
    Charlie: What relationship?! Alan, we’re not gay!
    Alan: No, but if we were, you wouldn’t let anybody steal me away. And I think that’s sweet.
    Charlie: You need to stop this. I was just trying to get more money out of him, and that’s all.
    Alan: Whatever you say. Pookie.

& Charlie: Gimme a break.
    Evelyn: Well, perhaps it’s time for you to reexamine your club-hopping... popper-sniffing, disco lifestyle.
    Charlie: I explained about that!
    Evelyn: It doesn’t matter, darling. You’re here, you’re queer. I’m used to it.

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+ quotes on the Imdb.